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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my husband shouldn't go out tonight?

23 replies

Kitsandkids · 01/04/2015 14:42

My husband goes out every Friday night to do his hobby. Gets home between 10 and 11. Saturday just gone he also went out at about 5pm and got in about 3am. Then on Sunday he went away for the night to watch a sporting thing in another city, leaving about 5pm and getting home about 2pm the following day.

That evening he took himself to bed about 5pm then I didn't see him until he left for work the next morning. Last night I took the kids up for bath and bed about 7ish and by the time I came down about an hour later he was asleep for the night on the sofa.

So I was looking forward to him being around a bit more tonight (on early shift this week so finishing at 4pm) but now he's texted me to let me know he's going out to do another hobby. He does do this sometimes on Wednesdays and it usually means him getting home about midnight.

I texted back asking him if he was really going after being out/away/asleep for the past 5 evenings but now I'm wondering if I'm being a bit inconsiderate or anything? Would this piss anyone else off?

OP posts:

MrsSubway · 01/04/2015 14:49

A grown man going to bed at 5pm and 7pm?! WTF?!

No you're not being inconsiderate at all. He on the other hand is being a total selfish arsehole.

MaidOfStars · 01/04/2015 14:50

I think if him being AWOL for five nights in a row is unusual, then I'd let it go. If it's happening every month, I'd try to establish some protected time together i.e. date night (even if it's at home).

atonofwashing · 01/04/2015 14:50

YANBU, that would irritate me.
I take it, with him going out so much, you are not given the chance to indulge in your hobbies?

Sounds like you need to have a face to face chat about hobby time / family time etc. Texting isn't really going to make him take your requests seriously, I would imagine.

Imo I think you need to nip this in the bud and make sure you are both getting your fair share of " free" time. Otherwise you are going to end up feeling like an unpaid nanny, no matter how much you love your kids.

HTH, good luck.

Joyfulleastersquad · 01/04/2015 14:51

He is being a selfish wanker.

MrsSubway · 01/04/2015 14:52

Maidofstars why should the OP's husband only make himself available for a 'date night' once a week or so. He has children and needs to participate in their evening routines presumably!

MrsSubway · 01/04/2015 14:53

OP, when he disappeared off to bed at 5pm on Sunday did he ask you if you'd be ok to do the childcare and the kids bedtime routines or did he just sod off to bed? (I'm assuming the latter)

googoodolly · 01/04/2015 14:56

YANBU at all, he's basically sodding off leaving you with all the childcare. Tell him in no uncertain terms that its unacceptable and that five unplanned nights out on the trot when you have a wife and young DC at home is horribly selfish behaviour.

Planned nights out are one thing, but texting from work saying you won't be home and dumping all the evening routines/childcare on your partner to go and do an optional hobby when you've been out the past four evenings is not okay at all.

irishamy89 · 01/04/2015 14:56

YANBU, that sounds terrible.
Some days my DP gets in very late due to work, if he was going out most nights of the week there would be war!

xxthedutchessxx · 01/04/2015 14:57

I feel for you here, I'd be totally annoyed! Having a similar issue currently, my partner is due to go out this friday and spend his last £30 until payday (week or so to go!) but I had to spend my last £30 on petrol, and I don't drive! Annoyed me quite a bit!

He sometimes decides to go out clubbing and stay at his parents house, which upsets me quite a bit as if I decided to do this, there would be hell to pay! Wouldn't even like to say how he'd react! I'm the one who always cooks our sons dinner, puts him to bed, bathes him etc. If I asked him to do any of these whilst I went out drinking, I would have WW3!!

Anyone else get this?

TheJiminyConjecture · 01/04/2015 14:58

He's living the life of a single person with no responsibilities. I wouldn't be happy with what has happened this week but if it was a rare occurrence and I knew I was getting equal time out so to speak I would be more understanding. If not then we would be having serious words

Original poster

Kitsandkids · 01/04/2015 15:01

Hi, thanks for the responses.

To answer a couple of questions, it was Monday he went off to bed at 5pm. He'd left the house about 5pm on the Sunday, got back about 2pm on the Monday, came with me to pick them up from school, had tea with them, then they asked to do a crafty type thing and after we'd been doing it for about 20 minutes I realised I hadn't seen my husband for a while. His car was still there but for some reason I assumed he'd gone out so rang him only for him to answer to say he was in bed and had been asleep. He then stayed there all evening.

I do have one hobby that I do on a Thursday night. One week I leave the house about 5.30, the next (due to him working later) about 6.30 and the third week I can't go as he doesn't finish work til 8 that week. I'm back home by 9pm and the kids are always fed before I go.

OP posts:

ElphabaTheGreen · 01/04/2015 15:02

xxthedutchessxx

Er, no. That's bordering on abuse. I think you need to have a serious think about your relationship, even just based on what little you've written there. Do you want your son growing up thinking that's a reasonable way to treat a partner?

26Point2Miles · 01/04/2015 15:02

How helpful is he usually?

ElphabaTheGreen · 01/04/2015 15:04

And OP - what your DH is doing would seriously piss me off. He just disappeared and went to bed? WTF?

MaidOfStars · 01/04/2015 15:07

Maidofstars why should the OP's husband only make himself available for a 'date night' once a week or so. He has children and needs to participate in their evening routines presumably

That's not what I said.

MaidOfStars · 01/04/2015 15:08

At least, it's not what I meant. I was indicating that as well as having usual time at home, which may ebb and flow with weekly commitments and plans, that the OP and her husband put aside one night that is protected.

MrsSubway · 01/04/2015 15:08

MaidofStars you only mentioned that he should be at home for a date night, not that he should be there regularly to participate in the care of his children.

How often are you proposing that they have these date nights?

MrsSubway · 01/04/2015 15:09

And OP, he is well out of order just fucking off to bed and not even having the courtesy to tell you.

He sounds like an overgrown, useless man child.

MaidOfStars · 01/04/2015 15:13

MaidofStars you only mentioned that he should be at home for a date night, not that he should be there regularly to participate in the care of his children

No, I didn't say he should only be home for date night. I was indicating date night as protected time. Not that it should be the only time he is at home.

Ratfinkandbobo · 01/04/2015 16:49

I'd be tempted to say no you can't as I'm going out tonight, then stay at a friends.

Bogeyface · 01/04/2015 16:53

Wait, you get 6 hours in 3 weeks making sure the kids are fed before you go?!

Yes he is taking the piss, but you are letting him. If you are going out then he can do the kids dinner.

you should get the same amount of down time as he does. I suggest you make a diary of every time he has gone out in the last month, including times, and then compare it to when you have gone out and show it to him.

Explain that this has to change NOW and he has to stop being a lazy selfish fucker and needs to pull his weight.

DixieNormas · 01/04/2015 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewept · 01/04/2015 17:53

Sorry OP but he is being a selfish git. DH always has a run of a few nights where he isn't home til late. Its work related, but dinners out etc. He thoroughly enjoys them, he tends to book them in all close together, but then doesn't do any for months. He makes is very clear to clients, that being home most nights is his priority. If people don't like it, its their problem as far as he is concerned and they can choose not to contract him.

Sometimes when I am on mn I feel like my husband is a saint. No way would I be putting up with this.

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