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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still feel angry at the boy from my past

25 replies

MadgeFinn · 01/04/2015 14:05

I'm going back a very long time but when I was about 15 there was a certain boy who would give me lots of grief every I saw him. I couldn't walk past him without him making sexual taunts or at worst he'd grab me and press himself against me trying to kiss me, biting my neck or shoving his hand down my bra. This always happened at night on my way home, he lived on the same estate. I never told anyone at the time and I don't know why.
But now years later, and he's practically unrecognisable from the lad he was he pops up on facebook, not on my friends list but on a "place we grew up" type of sight. I've looked at his "profile", he's married with children.
He ofen comments on this site and seems very popular, with old school friends reminiscing about the old days and such.
It was years ago, shouldn't I be over it, but every time I see his face I think about how frightened I was of him. AIBU to still feel so unsettled and angered when I see his face, or am I being silly. I don't want to come off the site because apart from him I enjoy it.

OP posts:

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 01/04/2015 14:07

Block him on fb. Then you won't see any of his posts in the group. Simples.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2015 14:08

I doubt he's changed, tbh. I would hate to be married to a man like this. I don't believe you can go from that sort of behaviour to complete normality.

Is there any way you can block him?

MNpostingbot · 01/04/2015 14:13

Sympathy for you OP, can't be easy, suspect that blocking is the way ahead.

Imperial, maybe his behaviour as a 15 year old was in some way influenced by some incident / trauma, for which he has now had counselling and has learned to move on.

Sorry,my mistake, he's male, that couldn't possibly be the case ........

Original poster

MadgeFinn · 01/04/2015 14:15

I thought you could only block someone from your friends list, but I'll look into it.
I know, his wife looks really nice and he seems like a proper family man, it's hard to equate him from that to what he was like then.

OP posts:

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 01/04/2015 14:20

You can block anyone not just those on your friends lists. Go on to his profile and somewhere over on the top left hand side are three dots, if you hover the cursor over them it should give you the option to block.

Original poster

MadgeFinn · 01/04/2015 14:27

Thanks hungrywoman I'll do that. I'll still get angry though every time I think of him. He's probably forgotten me, it was probably no big deal to him, but I still feel so wronged, even after all these years.

OP posts:

EmmaLL25 · 01/04/2015 14:41

To help get some closure on your feelings you could try writing a letter to him explaining how he made you feel. Express it all, every last thought. Then burn it or rip it up without sending it to him. This can be a healing process.

RachelWatts · 01/04/2015 14:41

You can block anyone on FB, even if you're not friends with them.

I blocked someone for similar reasons.

pushmepullyou · 01/04/2015 15:03

Most 15 yr olds don't repeatedly sexually assault people. 15 is plenty old enough for him to know it was wrong.

I'm not surprised you feel wronged OP, you were wronged and I agree with pp that it's unlikely he'll have changed

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2015 15:13

You can go on to his name and just block him so you won't have to see his face doesn'tmmatter if he seems a nice family man what he did to you was unforgivable he was 15 plenty old enough to know exactly what he was doing

TinklyLittleLaugh · 01/04/2015 15:17

When I was a little girl, a boy a few years older than me used to batter me in the cloakrooms in school. I would've been about 5 , he was 10 or 11. I was absolutely terrified of him, never told anyone and was practically a school refuser for a while.

Fast forward 20 years, I was visiting my parents and down the pub with my boyfriend. We were playing pool and hanging out with a bunch of locals and talk turned to Freddie Mercury who had recently died. The locals were being horrendously homophobic and me and my boyfriend were kind of edging away.

This guy sort of stood up and made a very brave speech about tolerance while everyone sort of heckled him. it was the guy who'd bullied me when I was little.

I don't know, it kind of blew my mind a bit. But maybe sometimes people can change.

championnibbler · 01/04/2015 15:36

YANBU.
Its not too late to make a formal report to the police about him.

Edenviolet · 01/04/2015 15:51

At 15 he was still a child, clearly an immature one but a child nevertheless

To report him to the police now seems the wrong thing to do. He may well have changed and be a million miles from the abusive person he was then.
Better to block on fb and seek counselling to work through these issues from the past. He clearly did something very wrong I'm not excusing that but reporting to the police will be upsetting for all involved and not necessarily in anyone's best interest

Imsolonesomeicouldcry · 01/04/2015 16:42

waitingimpatient I don't think that's for you to decide

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2015 16:54

Waiting imagine if it was your 15yr old daughter or niece i don't think you can call a 15yr old an immature child the op was sexually assaulted on a regular basis you can't write that off as immature and silly If there is 1 thing mumsnet has taught me is about historic sexual assault it is nobodies place to dismiss feelings or actions .

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2015 16:55

The op would be well within her rights to go to the police if she wanted too

Edenviolet · 01/04/2015 17:14

Obviously its not for me to decide I'm just giving my opinion based on what OP has said.

Sometimes it can do more harm to drag things up again for all concerned and in that instance something like blocking on fb and seeking counselling can help.
If OP wants to report it then its absolutely her choice and right to but I know that it does not always help or provide the closure needed

FiveExclamations · 01/04/2015 17:24

I do not think you are unreasonable, it sounds like very unfinished business. I have something a bit similar, but more minor, in my past and to have the person popping up regularly would make my skin crawl. Thank fully I haven't seen or heard from them in 33 years and am never likely to do so, so it hasn't been an issue.

What do you want to do, even if you're not sure you'll actually do it?

Darthsloth · 01/04/2015 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MadgeFinn · 01/04/2015 18:22

I don't really know what I'll do, I'm just glad to have got it off my chest and to be told that yes, I was sexually abused and I'm nbu to still think about it.
Perhaps I need counselling even after all these years. I don't think I'd like the stress of reporting it, either for myself or his wife who would be oblivious to it all. I'd hate to have her life ruined because of it. I feel better to have spoken about it, sometimes things are easier said to strangers than to people in RL.

OP posts:

Original poster

MadgeFinn · 01/04/2015 18:27

Darthsloth
That must have felt so good to have told the bully in front of others what he'd done. I don't think I'll ever get that opportunity because I don't live anywhere near this man now.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 01/04/2015 18:38

urgh, I had someone at school who used to do similar to me. Hes the only person I think id say I actually hate, even now, 20 something years since I left school

Mrsjayy · 01/04/2015 20:28

Oh i met the twat who made my life he'll at school he was evil to me and thought it was hilarious to trip me up (I am disabled) at a parents night at dds secondary he said to me it's funny being back at our own school i took a breath and said I'm sorry I don't know you i just couldn't cope with doing the false reminiscencing he wanted he looked shocked I said that as if we were old pals or something. I had council ing in my 20s because of the things he said to me or did to me

Momagain1 · 01/04/2015 21:52

Yes, it is possible to be a 15 yr old idiot, and get better. Not every 15 year old, male or female, who does mean things goes on to be a mean adult or a life of crime. Any one of us can look up brain development in teenagers and remember that they are not adults mentally, even though many are physically developed, and capable of doing really stupid things to themselves or others. This is why juveniles arent (or shouldnt be) put through the adult criminal system.

As they mature, they may recognise their idiocy and feel guilty, or they may minimize their memory of what they did so they dont feel bad. But they dont all grow up and carry on as they were.

Crinkle77 · 02/04/2015 13:50

I feel the same way about a lad who used to bully me at school about 30 years ago. It was nothing serious just some teasing and name calling but it was about something I was very sensitive about at the time. I have seen him a few times in the last few years and still get the rage about it. I doubt he even remembers who I am or calling me that name but I just can't help it. I don't dwell on it afterwards or anything but at the time of seeing him I still hate him.

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