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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my ex is crazy to give my 13 yr dd a cigarette

25 replies

clank2 · 31/03/2015 22:58

It transpired this evening that my ex had given my daughter her very first cigarette...so she could try it. He has also been giving her alcohol, her friend alcohol and has let her try flavoured vapes. I do not smoke, I am absolutely in shock that he has done this. I cannot for one moment understand why he would think this is an acceptable thing to do. He is always causing problems, he just makes terrible decisions when it comes to deciding what to do with his children. He especially seems to like acting like the super cool dad to my daughter...he actually made my daughter hide the smoking from my 16 year old son... I really worry about the things he tells her.
I'm not convinced that she would have ever bothered to try it otherwise. I hate him SO MUCH. What would you all do? I have sent him an e mail asking if its true....dont really see a reason for my daughter to lie about it though.

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 31/03/2015 23:11

I would be cutting contact. He is irresponsible to say the least.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 31/03/2015 23:12

Is he her dad? You keep referring to 'my daughter' rather than 'our daughter'

Original poster
clank2 · 31/03/2015 23:36

Yes he is her biological Dad, I don't know why I don't say our daughter...i suppose because saying 'our' implies we work together in raising her, and we don't....me and her Step Father do, and I think she is more his daughter than her real Dads...or maybe I'm over thinking that...

OP posts:
GammaDelta · 01/04/2015 01:08

omg... i would have taken a legal action and not allowed any meeting between them

KoalaDownUnder · 01/04/2015 02:26

That is disgusting. It is child abuse to deliberately introduce your own child to an addictive drug that kills people. Is he a complete moron??!

I would be pushing back against this very hard, if I were you.

MrsBojingles · 01/04/2015 04:09

YANBU that's horrible!

BitOfFun · 01/04/2015 04:57

Oh FGS!

It's a stupid thing that you can hopefully talk him out of. Especially if you approach it as though you appreciate that he wants to deter her from smoking

Just use your common sense.

Ginmartini · 01/04/2015 05:16

This would really disturb and anger me.

I smoked and drank from the age of about 13 as did my peers (all girls boarding school - lots of naughty, acting out behaviour) so am not clutching pearls at the very idea but I so so wish I'd had adults around me (my parents might have been a good thing!) to put firm boundaries and discipline in place and not turned a blind eye.

I hope my kids never even try a cigarette or they could get addicted for the next 20/30 years. It's a lottery whether you get addicted. This is what I tell them - I can't force you to do or not do things, but these are the risks and smoking is right up there with the worst possible thing you can ever do.

Your ex sounds like a total tosser. Can you have reason with him at all??

CycleChic · 01/04/2015 05:31

Providing alcohol and tobacco products to the under age is illegal. .. perhaps report this to the police and leave it to them?

BastardGoDarkly · 01/04/2015 05:33

It didn't sound to me like he was trying to put her off. It sounds like he was trying to be 'a cool dad' with the alcohol as well, I'd be thinking about stopping contact.

adsy · 01/04/2015 07:32

Providing alcohol and tobacco products to the under age is illegal

In no way is the dad not being a complete bellend but you can actually give alcohol to a child over the age of 5 years old.

CycleChic · 01/04/2015 07:56

I stand corrected on that.

chocolatemonster · 01/04/2015 09:08

Totally unacceptable!! And he gave her friend alcohol? If another adult gave my child alcohol I would be furious and report it! Maybe you could tell the other parent?

What is your daughters reaction? does she think he is cool or did she tell you because she wants help dealing with it?

Latara · 01/04/2015 09:16

That is terrible.

My late nan used to give one of my uncles cigarettes at age 13 or 14 - my mum actually witnessed her putting them in his mouth and lighting them.

Now he is 60 and has emphysema (COPD) resulting in regular hospital admissions when he should be relaxing and enjoying caring for his grandchildren.

BoyScout · 01/04/2015 09:19

What would I do? I'd get the nearest thing to concrete proof I could and then I'd cease contact and let him take me to court.

Original poster
clank2 · 01/04/2015 10:12

Didnt think i was crazy, cheers guys, just checking...I am just waiting to find out his version of events.....

OP posts:
Original poster
clank2 · 01/04/2015 10:13

oh, and who would you contact about it...Im not convinced that the police would be interested....

OP posts:
99pokerface · 01/04/2015 10:40

Contact stopped take me to court twat and also I would be contact social services and informing the school not fit

Original poster
clank2 · 01/04/2015 11:37

He has e - mailed me back a load of patronising rubbish about how she can talk to him and not me (its all just to wind me up) but didnt admit to giving it to her. I asked him to directly answer whether he had or not, and he said he couldnt remember, so couldnt help me....well thats admission enough for me, and my daughter has straight up told me he did soo....

OP posts:
UghReally · 01/04/2015 11:41

I wouldnt contact the police, a 13 year old with some cigarettes and alcohol is the least of their worries, however I would be getting social services involved

squoosh · 01/04/2015 11:43

Giving a 13 year old alcohol and cigarettes to try is stupid but I wouldn't go straight to trying to cutting all contact. Can you meet him face to face and have a frank conversation, makes more sense than conducting it via email.

googoodolly · 01/04/2015 11:51

Giving her alcohol, while a bit stupid, is not illegal. It's perfectly legal to give your children alcohol at home over the age of five.

BUT the tobacco is another thing, it's illegal and it's abusive. I would be temporarily stopping contact and speaking to the police and social services.

Original poster
clank2 · 01/04/2015 21:18

oh, ive now found out that he was busy getting drunk the day he gave her a cigarette, and that he was also giving her alcopops so she could get drunk too. he is too far away to see face to face right now, and if I did, i think I would not be able to control my rage after the absolute nonsense he has said about me in his last e - mail! I am going to contact nspcc and ask them what they think I should do as Im really in a quandry. I dont want them going there...I havent trusted him for a long time, but my daughter has said she will get there of her own doing if I try and stop him from getting them, and I hardly want or need that kind of trouble, but he has brainwashed her because he is just so cool.(irresponsible)

OP posts:
Yournotfeckingserious · 01/04/2015 22:02

My dsc's uncle let my dss(7) try his vape once. I hit the roof as did my dh but everyone thinks WE have over reacted. Some people are just idiots who haven't got the brains they were born with.

trixymalixy · 01/04/2015 22:58

I would be beyond fuming. YANBU.

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