AIBU to get frustrated with DM

[vvviola]

Having the usual fun and games trying to cover the Easter holidays. Eventually found somewhere that will take both DC (3 and 7) but only from 10 - 2. DH works from home, split shifts so that he usually can do drop-off/pick-up, but the shorter day means he's stuck for a couple of hours a day. So we have a childcare student who comes in to cover a few hours.

Tomorrow there is no space in the holiday club and I asked DM if she could take them from 10 til 3 or so. She said that was fine. (Background: we've just moved across the road from her, she's constantly at DH to phone her in the afternoon to see if she is there and then send the kids over, she gets grumpy with us if we don't see her over the weekend).

I phoned this evening to confirm times - and now she suddenly can't do it. She says she told me, but she definitely didn't. It's not the first time this has happened and it's getting frustrating. I can't take time off at short notice (I'm taking time off next week to cover some days), DH has no leave left and can't get much work done with a 3 and a 7 yo in the house.

It's like she doesn't understand that we can't be totally spontaneous about childcare. She has even asked why we can't just "play it by ear" over the summer holiday (by which time DH will be back in a 9-5 out of the house office job). We've never demanded that she look after them, and if she had said at the start that it didn't work for her, I would have organised something else - but at 8pm the night before, I haven't many options!

AIBU to be utterly frustrated by this and wish she'd just say no at the start if something doesn't suit?

YANBU but now you know she's flaky you know to make other arrangements for the rest of the year. I hope you get something sorted tomorrow!

Thanks AndHarry. It seems it's all my fault and she has now rearranged what she had planned "but I won't be doing it again". Even though I said we'd sort something out.

I'm also apparently in trouble for "not communicating" (we exchanged texts yesterday, spoke briefly on the phone and I saw her briefly on Thursday and Friday - but because we didn't visit over the weekend...)

Moving back here was supposed to be a good thing. All I know is I'm constantly exhausted, can't do anything right and never get a second to myself.

My MIL went like this when she was first starting with Alzheimer's.

Sounds like my own DM. Never could I live accross the road! Glad it's sorted for now.

I nearly moved nextdoor but 3 to my dm. The advantages were I would be near my mum, the disadvantages were also I would be near my mum. I adore my mum, but couldn't cope with her knowing my every move. Which she would and she would always be in an out. I prefer to maintain a 15 min drive so she won't just pop in.

Yanbu OP but if you know she is flaky, don't ask her again.

I think some of it is getting used to having us around again - we've been out of the country for 6 years. So we all need to figure out everyone else's boundaries and ways of doing things.

I think the other problem is that she had a term-time, school hours job when we were growing up, so never had the school holiday struggle of balancing everything. So seems to think that because she managed it all, we should be able to.

The advantages usually outweigh the disadvantages, but it was just so frustrating that our first big school holidays that we've had to deal with, she says she'll help us out on the only day we are stuck, and then apparently says she told me she couldn't.

Anyway. I'm the bad guy now. And will probably be even more of a bad guy if I don't ask her next time we are stuck. I can't win.

YANBU but I think you just need to unfortunately take her out of the equation for all future Childcare. She can't be relied on. If she asks just explain why. Annoying as she is just across the road but it will reduce your stress levels if you aren't constantly wondering if she'll cancel on you at the last minute.

We had to do this. Despite close PILs we always pay for babysitters, use holiday clubs etc. Much less stress this way and it is a business transaction so takes all the emotion out of the situation.

How old is your mum OP?

It is a fact of life unfortunately that the older you get, the more you forget thing so possibly she is convinced she told you about the "change of plan".

Even without factoring in things like possible illnesses.

salmontrutta this is true of my DM. No dementia or alzheimers but she does swear that she tells me things when she clearly hasnt.

OP i hope you are sorted, we have the same balancing acts to do every year

I know for a fact my memory is really crap now compared to how it used to be!!
And I'm in my mid fifties.

Salmotrutta is correct. Me and mum have got dairies, to write stuff in because she forgets sometimes. If she calls me with a change I plan I put it in my diary. If she is having the kids she puts it in hers and I remind her a few days before so she can confirm its ok. She hasn't got any problems, but just has a lot going on so doesn't remember everything.

She's in her late 60s, but still works a pretty intense job (part time) and is on top of everything else, so it seems strange that she thought she'd told me and hadn't.

Now that I've calmed down a bit, I think what frustrated me the most was that she couldn't see how it put me in a difficult position, she just seemed to want to give me grief about "not communicating" and not taking the children to Mass and not seeing them over the weekend, when it was 9pm, I still hadn't sat down yet, the DC were refusing to sleep and I was suddenly faced with organising childcare for the morning.

I guess a bit of empathy rather than a series of lectures would have made the flakiness easier to handle.