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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in laws coming next week. don't know how I'll cope

28 replies

PunkrockerGirl · 31/03/2015 20:13

I posted before and had the thread deleted but now I'm just needing advice.
Background - db has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. In-laws have not contacted me once to offer sympathy etc.
They are coming on Monday through till Sunday although thank God they don't stay with us but in a b&b round the corner.
Anyway, I have been signed off sick for 2 weeks, I'm a palliative care nurse and the situation with my db is just too close to home and I cannot deal with work at the moment.
Aibu to think that just because I'm home, I am off sick and therefore should not be expected to drive them around, cook for them and generally be sociable? And I really, really don't want to hear about how terrible their lives are because of the religion that is parking in their area

OP posts:

pepperfish · 31/03/2015 20:21

So sorry to hear that OP .

Sounds like you really don't need extra hassle and stress right now. Any normal person won't blame you for that. Could you (or your DH) ask them to come another weekend in the future due to the sad news you are dealing with? I'm sure they'll understand!

Do what you need to do for you and your DB right now, don't worry about the in-laws x

duckbilledplatitudes · 31/03/2015 20:21

YANBU in the slightest, IMHO. I'm so sorry to hear what is happening and I think you have every right to decline to entertain them. You have enough going on, and they don't sound like their behaviour is exactly sensitive.

kewtogetin · 31/03/2015 20:28

Is telling them not to come not an option?

coconutpie · 31/03/2015 20:32

YANBU at all. I would get your DH to tell them not to come, your DB is far more important than their visit. I'm so sorry by the way for what your family is going through :(

EponasWildDaughter · 31/03/2015 20:37

OP. Sorry to hear this.

I think it is up to your partner to rearrange their parents visit surely?

YANBU to want this time to be free from avoidable stresses.

SuperMumTum · 31/03/2015 20:40

Your DH needs to tell them not to come or tell them to leave you alone if they insist on coming. I wouldn't put up with it at all.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 31/03/2015 21:03

YANBU to not drive them around and cook for them. Why would you do that anyway, surely your dp looks after his parents when they visit.

Is it really going to be difficult for you to be a bit sociable though?

Leeds2 · 31/03/2015 21:06

YANBU.

Their care is surely up to your DP.

Hissy · 31/03/2015 21:12

Your H needs to either tell them to rearrange/find other things to do when they are over, or he needs to manage them.

He will be needed to support you.

I'm sorry about your db.

Janethegirl · 31/03/2015 21:15

Can't you tell them you'll be at work ( and not answer the door). They can't expect you to ferry them around if you're at work.

Trooperslane · 31/03/2015 21:24

Avoid and feel no guilt whatsoever.

If you were well enough to work, you'd be unavailable.

You're still unavailable. Your 'job' at the moment is to look after yourself.

So sorry op. Think of yourself and be selfish . You need it.

CrapBag · 31/03/2015 21:28

I remember your thread.

Your DH needs to tell them that you are now off sick and it's not a good time so they will have to rearrange their trip. Don't ask them or give leeway, tell them this is what is happening. Otherwise you will get "oh we won't be any bother/in the way" etc etc.

Original poster

PunkrockerGirl · 31/03/2015 21:49

Thanks Crapbag
I think it's going to happen (and I don't want to stop dh seeing his dps)
Db lives about a hour away so I'll just go and visit him as and when. The trouble is the pils don't understand the connection between what I'm going through with db and my job and to be honest if they're that thick I don't see how I can engage, let alone entertain them

OP posts:

Welshmaenad · 31/03/2015 22:37

Please ask your dh to put them off.

I posted recently about not wanting my inlaws visiting at Easter as it's the anniversary of my DM death. DH was great and has postponed them.

They were here last year, the weekend before my DM died and it was unbearable, they were so self absorbed and I resented the fuck out of having to host them when I was in turmoil. I wish I had told them to stay away, it was awful.

for you my lovely

karinmaria · 31/03/2015 22:42

for you and your poor DB.

Agree that they either need to be postponed or told to come for (much) less time. If they do come to expect you will be out seeing your DB most days so you will not be home to cook etc.

You're not preventing your DH from seeing his parents! You are looking after yourself and your family. And you need to look after yourself in order to be there for your DB.

antumbra · 31/03/2015 22:43

Presumable your OH will be taking time off work to entertain them? THey are his parents after all.

Debinaround · 01/04/2015 00:08

I posted on your last thread before you had it deleted.

If you can't put them off then I would have a word with your DH. Tell him he needs to make them awear that you are going through a very hard time at the moment (even though they are ignoring that fact at the minute) and that you will not be running around after their arses.

I said last time that he needs to step up and make them understand how ill your brother is and how much your suffering. If he hasn't done that yet then he needs to do it before they come.

GammaDelta · 01/04/2015 01:03

YANBU but having said that is their son. .. Won't they be concerned and want to see him as well ... a child is the whole world for a parent.. I'd be is terminally ill they might want to spend time with him. But got don't need to take them around or cook etc. . i am sure they will understand our you can let them know about it. .

FeckTheMagicDragon · 01/04/2015 01:07

Gamma I don't think its their son, it's the OPs brother. So their DILs brother.

It's the wrong time for them to come, if they do your DH needs to run interference.

snowman1 · 01/04/2015 02:16

I am sorry about your brother. If they were flying in from New Zealand I would have some sympathy. But this is just a local visit that can be altered. I they come You just need to do what you need to do whilst you have this precious time with your brother and any slack your husband needs to take up with his parents. I am not very good at this but I would say 'great you are coming, but I am completely unavailable From x-y but Dh is looking forward to catching up with you, see you when I see you!' Ps - am in a different time zone, not insomniac!

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2015 03:47

Honestly, I'd tell my DH to entertain them and scarper off to DB's for the week (if that's feasible). If not, I'd tell DH the same thing and book myself into a hotel for at least Tuesday through Friday whilst the iLs are there.

I'm so sorry about your brother. Wishing you peace and strength.

AdoraBell · 01/04/2015 04:03

I second what Acrossthepond says. You've said you travél an hour To see your brother, is there somewhere you could stay that is closer To him?

Don't think I read your other thread but DH is a big boy, he'll cope with his parents if he is left To Get on with it. It might even help him stand up To them in future if he realises that he has To spend his time for their visits, iyswim.

Very sorry about your brother

Hissy · 01/04/2015 07:55

If I was watching someone I loved in the throws of a terminal illness, the last thing I'd want is to come home and have to plaster on a smile.

I'd want the space to fall apart. This visit is wrong and you'll end up resenting them forever.

Dh needs to tell them to cancel the trip and it'll be rearranged when everyone is up to it

No discussion. No drama. If they want to tantrum, that's their problem and it'll give you good reason to remind them that not everything revolves around them and this is precisely the reason why the trip is cancelled.

almahart · 01/04/2015 08:03

Totally agree with Hissy. This is important, your DH needs to postpone their visit. I think the repercussions for your relationship will be worse if they come than if they don't actually, I can't see how you won't resent/hate them for being there when you need space. So sorry about your DB

BoffinMum · 01/04/2015 08:08

God, some ILs are bizarre, aren't they? Of course you should cancel. I am amazed they haven't suggested it already.

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