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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

14 year old drinking alcohol because upset

25 replies

bettercallsally · 31/03/2015 19:59

Not sure if I should stop my DD hanging around with her friends. AIBU?

She had a boyfriend in her friendship group for a short amount of time, but she is not over him. He tells her he loves her all the time.

He constantly has "girlfriend's" who he invites into their group while dating them before dumping them and moving onto someone else. I am very concerned about my DD as this group of lads/girls drink alcohol. DD has started drinking and getting drunk. She has told me it's because she finds it difficult to be in this lad's company when he has yet another girlfriend. I think the lad is sexually active.

I have told DD I don't want her spending time with them anymore. She said other than the issues with this lad she is happy. I cannot see that she is if she is starting to drink alcohol.

She used to be such as sensible confident girl. I am upset all the time as I don't know what to do for the best.

Can someone please offer me some advice. I feel so desperate at the moment.

OP posts:

UghReally · 31/03/2015 20:04

Shes out at 14 getting bladdered and probably used for unsavory things.
Stop her seeing these people.

Original poster

bettercallsally · 31/03/2015 20:10

She confessed to the alcohol (started in the past few weeks) last week. I have told her I don't want her hanging around with them.

How do I stop this? No doubt she would probably start lieing to me about who she has been out with.

I am a single parent plus don't have parents of my own to confide in.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 31/03/2015 20:25

My daughter was going out with someone who was bad for her and we'd argue about him and then one day I just lost it and started really yelling about how bad he was for her. She shouted that okay then, she'd dump him.

I realised that she was able to tell him that I wouldn't let her see him any more and it gave her a way out.

It does depend what your daughter is like, but she may be really needing you to make that decision, especially if she feels she's getting out of control.

Original poster

bettercallsally · 31/03/2015 21:01

Imperialblether - She doesn't go out with him anymore but he is in the same friendship group. She says if she stops hanging round with them she will have to make new friends elsewhere.

I can see that she is unhappy (she denies it). I am trying to do things with her to avoid her going out with her friends. Think she knows what I am doing and is being miserable in my company.

I thought it was honest of her to confide in me about the alcohol and the reason why she has been drinking it. But don't know where that leaves me. I don't want to punish her for being honest plus don't think she will stop hanging round with these friends either.

OP posts:

glittertits · 31/03/2015 21:03

How is she getting the booze?

Was she sexually active with this lad?

Original poster

bettercallsally · 31/03/2015 21:26

No, she herself was not sexually active. She told me he asked but she refused. Think this is why he dumped her.

The alcohol appears to be either stolen from their parents or older brother/sisters supplying it.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 31/03/2015 22:12

It's so awful when they mix with people who encourage really risky behaviour, isn't it?

Is she friends with anyone else outside of this group? Do they all go to the same school?

GammaDelta · 01/04/2015 00:24

You should strictly say no to her. perhaps take her away for a while and try to talk sense to her. Does she have any sensible cousins or friends who can talk to her.. Sometimes kids listen to their cousins or friends more than parents

Hissy · 01/04/2015 07:40

As a single parent with no family myself, I'm wondering why that's relevant to you dealing with this?

This is serious shit, you know this! Have you properly sat her down and told her about how dangerous her relationship with alcohol is? Have you taken her to the gp? Asked for help/counselling? Spoken to the school about your concerns about her friendship group? The alcohol?

This is your daughter, she has only you to help her and you are more than capable of doing so.

Don't you dare let the single parent thing convince you that you can't do this, of course you can. What's the alternative?

Keep posting, there will be others along who'll have been through similar

Hissy · 01/04/2015 07:46

She's a bright kid, the refusal to do what this slime ball ex was demanding is a good thing, did you tell her that she did the right thing there? that he's a dog and won't ever be a man she'd be happy with? That you're proud of her for making that decision, that she was right and it was for the best, No matter how crap she feels now. :(

She needs to find something else to make herself feel better. Ask her to find things she enjoys that don't involve this band of friends or that twat of an ex.

I'd inform the school, get them to do spot checks if you think they are taking alcohol into school etc

Pyjamasandwine · 01/04/2015 07:57

Oh op I am a parent who tries hard to give my teens slack but this situation isn't good and you are right to worry.

I wouid tackle head on here as I think your dd is in way over her head.

Be strict. Absolutely no more of this lad. No more booze and as she's 14 no more hanging out with them until she is older.

Who else is in her class? Any clubs or hobbies you can get her into. Is school supportive? If not can you move her?

You sound like a sensible parent and don't be afraid to be tough. It's for her own good.

It's bloody hard parenting teens so keep posting and keep your chin up. You are not alone.

Have you posted on the parenting teens boards? Great advice there.

Original poster

bettercallsally · 01/04/2015 10:17

Thank you all so much for your advice.

In answer to some of the questions you asked:

She used to have some lovely friends who she dropped for this group about six months ago. Suddenly all her old friends were "boring". A couple of them don't talk to her anymore as they don't like her new group of friends. DD doesn't seem to care about this.

Sorry I mention single parent because sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone else there for support.

She knew she did the right thing turning this lad down. I did say she did the right thing. She knows she did the right thing and she also knows he is a user but that still doesn't stop her being hung up on him.

I did have a casual word with the school for advice. Doubt they could keep her away from them at school. I am also worried that if I ban her she will meet them secretly and not tell me anything at all.

Did think about moving her schools but how would that keep her away from them after school. The alternative school is still in the local area.

Still intending to carry on over easter break arranging things for us to do which will keep her away from them.

OP posts:

FishCanFly · 01/04/2015 10:21

Where do they get alcohol?

ConfusedAuthor · 01/04/2015 10:24

Oh Fish, they can always get hold of alcohol if they're determined.

OP, can you talk to her about her previous friends. Was she happier then? Did they make her laugh? Are they really nice girls who would accept her back into the fold?

Original poster

bettercallsally · 01/04/2015 10:40

Confused - have spoken to her about her previous friends. Some would accept her back but DD doesn't want to. She calls them boring. She said she is happier now.

OP posts:

FishCanFly · 01/04/2015 10:41

I understand that. However, selling or supplying alcohol to minors is illegal. I'd go for the source.

ConfusedAuthor · 01/04/2015 10:47

She's confusing happiness with excitement and adrenaline rushes.

Do you know any older girls she could talk to? Any cousins or daughters of your friends that could have a word with her?

Original poster

bettercallsally · 01/04/2015 10:52

Confused - have spoken to her about her previous friends. Some would accept her back but DD doesn't want to. She calls them boring. She said she is happier now.

OP posts:

Pyjamasandwine · 01/04/2015 10:58

Arnt they a bloody nightmare!

Agree she's flirting with the wild side here and sure we can all understand that.

However at 14 she's still very young and you have more control than over a 16 year old.

My advice is be firm. Tell her straight she's being a prat and these so called friends arnt the best.

You might have a fight in your hands here but keep strong. 14 is the worst age I think as no sense at all.

Could you strong arm her to invite one of the old friends around?

Pyjamasandwine · 01/04/2015 10:59

Second older girls/cousins to help if sny.

Original poster

bettercallsally · 01/04/2015 11:08

Confused - have spoken to her about her previous friends. Some would accept her back but DD doesn't want to. She calls them boring. She said she is happier now.

OP posts:

Original poster

bettercallsally · 01/04/2015 11:11

Have told her today that she can have a friend round, I listed friends she could ask - all of them from her old group. She hasn't responded to me as yet!

OP posts:

Pyjamasandwine · 01/04/2015 11:14

Keep firm, keep communicating.

Pyjamasandwine · 01/04/2015 11:17

Also point out to her that these old friends will move on too and she will be left on her own if she isn't careful. Or their parents might see her as a bad influence.

Worth a try.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2015 11:27

It's so hard.
My DD went through this stage.
She seemed to attract the 'bad crowd' and mix with them.
Even when she went to live abroad.

It is of no consolation now but she is a lovely hard working 17 YO.
With a nice boyfriend and 2-3 good jobs that keep her busy and away from the muppets (as we like to call them)
I too am a single parent and it was very hard but they do come out the other side (most of the time)

Just keep reminding her that it's illegal and make sure she doesn't have sleep overs at the wrong persons house.
I always had the mothers phone numbers and I always dropped her off and collected her.

I knew when she was lying. It's a mothers instinct and I would always get her back if she was somewhere she wasn't supposed to be.
Threat of police calls usually meant she told me pretty damn quickly where she was.

I usually had them round my house as much as possible.
At least I could monitor and keep an eye on it all.
Thank god I was considered a 'cool mum' so they didn't mind being at my house.
You can't make her have friends if she doesn't want them.

Keep them all as close as possible.

Good luck - you are in for a rough couple of years but 'this too shall pass'!

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