How do I 'unbreak' my wilful child?

[Seasonsgreetings]

AIBU to think you can 'unbreak' a wilful child that has been broken and if so, how do I go about it?
Being a mother is THE most important thing to me and has been from the moment that I decided that I wanted a child. I was lucky enough to have twins with my first pregnancy and I became a stay at home mother. When my beautiful dd's were aged between 2-4 (ish) they behaved as you would expect children of that age to and were pretty wilful. I was a wilful child in my time and I have produced 2 (out of 3) wilful children. (Why did I expect anything else?)
The thing is I was 'broken' by my parents and as a first time parent I was a slow learner and was het up on ensuring that my dc's did as they were asked rather than what they wanted. As I grew as a parent I learnt to pick my battles and save the demands of obedience for those dangerous situations in which dc's could injure themselves. My eldest dd (who was the most wilful, though a rank amateur compared to dd3) copped for most of my dodgy parenting. She is now 11 and is kind, considerate, clever, beautiful... she's just wonderful! But, she is quite meek and is very apologetic, both traits I recognise in myself and I know that these are very restrictive traits to have. How can I right my wrong and give her more self confidence to stand up for herself and say 'sod it, this is what I want to do'.
Feel free to slate me as a parent but my dd's didn't come with a manual and they have been educating me in how to parent ever since their arrival. In the early days I got it wrong and i just want advice as to how to put it right.

I know I was much more strict with my first, unless you were abusive, don't beat yourself up too much. Its a case of changing things day by day and giving her the confidence to speak up.

I think you might get some funny reactions here as your language sounds a bit unbending (breaking etc is what you do with an animal) but I think I know what you mean and I sympathise - my eldest DD asked me with genuine dread if she could have a glass of water the other day as she is so used to "exasperated mummy" and so I have made efforts to not be such a bloody nag/sergeant major. I get into ruts where I expect perfection and end up with obedient but unthinking children.

I wanted to put it right too and googled how to help her have more confidence and the "cure" according to Dr Sears (love that guy) is vast amounts of support and praise as what she has essentially lost is the freedom to express herself and that goes hand in hand with confidence.

The eldest do get the most pressure from their mothers - its all a learning curve!

www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/child-rearing-and-development/12-ways-help-your-child-build-self-confidence

Gently start handing more decision making to her. Start with things you thing she can cope with and where the consequences of the decision are not serious. Don't let her get away with "well what do you think" or "I'll do or have what everyone else is doing or having". Gradually, she will become a bit more confident in her judgement.

I also discuss current affairs, moral issues etc. with my 11 YO DS1 and make a point of taking his views on board and encouraging him to have an opinion and defend it. This can start in a very low key way but it gives them a chance to build confidence in expressing their own views.

Also - twins! Bloody heck - don't be too hard on yourself! :)

It may not be your parenting she's probably copying you. Personally I would look at books and films which have strong assertive female lead characters. What's she good at or enjoy? Could you really encourage her with those activities? Also consider amateur dramatics - a lot of the time you have to act assertive even if you don't feel it but then over time you do. Do you ever debate stuff at home? Maybe play devils advocate now and again and get her to voice her thoughts and opinions and praise her for doing so.

Maybe you can't, becuse it is possible that these are actually innate character traits for her - and for you.

My father's was of motivating me as a child was to tell me I was an idiot and would be a big failure in life if I didn't get X grade, or pass X exam, or be chosen for X team It did made me work hard but also (I thought) made me hypercritical of my own performance, and gave me a huge fear of failure. Not something I wanted to pass on to my own children.

So now I have 2 children. I have always been painstaking in making it clear that it is effort that counts - it's fine to give things a go and do your best, it's fine not to be good at everything, it's the taking part that counts, it's fine to make mistakes.

Ds1 is a happy and relaxed achiever.
Ds2 is a perfectionist over-achiever with a huge fear of failure - just like me .

I blamed my dad for so long (and I wouldn't recommend his parenting even now). But I now realise those character traits were always part of me, just like they are part of ds2.

I'd be a bit open with her too.

Tell her some of what you've said here, that you wonder sometimes if you've been too strict; that you know its important that she knows you're in charge, but that you want her to feel happy and relaxed too, and to know that you think she's wonderful (and not only when she's compliant).

Not to be apologetic, or to make her think you're judging her meekness now, but a little bit of openness, of owning that you're learning too, and just doing your best because you love her, is lovely at this age, I think.

Disciplining your child is good for them. Correcting wilful behaviour makes them more likeable to other people. I don't think you have broken your child; she has inherited your nature. My oldest child suffered at primary school, she was excluded/ignored because she was so timid e.g. a child would whisper to her "go away" when the gang were playing. And, she would go. I tried "why don't you tell her..." and she'd say "I can't". It used to break my heart watching her always be the one without a partner. But, do you know what? she is now 17 and the best person on the planet. She's original, creative, intelligent. She learned empathy from her experience and is well known as the kindest girl at school. She has real friends and a rock solid sense of self. At secondary school, she knew which people/situations to avoid and chose wisely. I look at her now and see the individuality which will make her exceptional at her chosen work. Wilfulness tamed is determination (an asset) and being meek evolves into something else and will teach her lessons along the way. The best thing you can do is let her know that you love her; admire, encourage and respect her and all the rest will follow. That already shines out of your post. Enjoy the journey. I'm not religious but remember "the meek shall inherit the earth". Nobody likes an arrogant child.

Thank you.
Sorry about the weird language, I see what you mean. The link is very useful (I haven't read it all yet) as are the posts. I think I shall implement all of them whilst bearing in mind it could just be her personality. She already acts and she loves it.

I'm not pouncing on your use of the term 'break' and 'unbreak' but wondered whether you tend to see things in very black and white terms rather than traits on a continuum and whether this means your more worried about the situation than needs be. Don't give yourself too hard a time about how you've parented her, you sound like a kind loving mum whose tried her best and there is no 'one size fits all' way to parent well. You've said you DD is a considerate, clever and wonderful girl, feel proud of your part in that and make sure she knows how proud you are of her.

wait until she's a teenager all your dreams will come true .

Some of it may be down to personaility. Not everyone has a 'sod it I will do what I want' attitude. Some people are meek and apologetic by nature.
Encourage your DD to stand up for herself and to value herself, but love her the way she is!
Children DO learn from what they see a parent doing. I would say BE what you want your children to be and it may rub off. However, don't disapprove of her personality if that is who she is.

I think you should be completely honest with your daughter that you think being very strict with her made her feel far more meek and far less assertive than she has the capability and right to be. Have some frank conversations...I'd have appreciated this from my own parents as they were pretty bad to live with and made me nervous to do stuff (probably a lot worse than you though!).