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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with the tension

18 replies

Whatutalkinboutwillis · 30/03/2015 12:44

So my mil and my mother clearly have a strong dislike for each other. They mask it with passive aggressive comments and long silences whenever they have to endure each others company.

Anyway it was my ds bday a few days ago and we had a family lunch for him as both sets of parents live an hour away in different directions it made sense to meet at our house as both wanted to see ds in his birthday.

Yet again our day was spent trying to fill awkward silences and putting up with the constant bad atmosphere. Aibu next year to just say stuff it don't bother coming if you can't make an effort to put the cats bum faces away for the sake of my child. It was stressful and just turned out to be a horrible day and I'm sick of all ds bdays turning out this way because of the atmosphere. Just so fed up with it. My mil stomped out of here walking past me without as much as a goodbye. Doesn't appear to like me right now but that changes with the wind. So next birthday just see them separately and not on ds bday or do I honestly just put up with it because they are family? Neither would admit to each other there is a problem but say pleanty to us outwith earshot of the other. It's like a pair of 2 year olds.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/03/2015 12:48

No you don't have to put up with it.

The pair of them need a reality check and the next time don't invite them, life is too short for this kind of petty bitchiness.

TidyDancer · 30/03/2015 12:51

You shouldn't have to put up with it, no. Is one of them the source? Sounds from your post like it's coming from your mil. If so, could DH have a word? Is there anything you could say to your mum?

ChipDip · 30/03/2015 12:53

Yanbu and don't have to put up with it. Don't invite both of them next year and do let them know why.

sweetcheeks2014 · 30/03/2015 12:55

It's your DS's birthday so I would just say to them both together with your DH with you that you are tired of the atmosphere and you think it is v little to ask to make an effort for one day. If they are unwilling/unable they can see your DS another day but you will celebrate on your own from then on.

Original poster
Whatutalkinboutwillis · 30/03/2015 12:58

No honestly they are both as bad as each other but neither of them see they are in the wrong. Nothing actually happens that we can say right that's enough it's all just very tense and awkward. My mum has said she does not like her but she feels she makes an effort in her company.

I think because we know them individually that we see how they both change when together and how the atmosphere frosts over.

Right next year we will do something without them! My ds turned 8 and I just thought that's 8 bloody birthdays we have put up with this and I am sick of it.

OP posts:
StopTheFog · 30/03/2015 12:58

Don't do a joint thing. Do different things with different grandparents.

Original poster
Whatutalkinboutwillis · 30/03/2015 13:01

Yeah that would have been the sensible thing to do but both wanted to see him on his actual birthday and the only was possible time wise was to bring them all here. Won't be happening again

OP posts:
StopTheFog · 30/03/2015 13:12

enjoy next year ;)

WashingUpFairy · 30/03/2015 14:31

Invite some of his school friends over next year and have a kiddie party. You wont have to ask either then and your son would probably prefer it.Wink

BikketBikketBikket · 30/03/2015 16:50

Take your son for a family (and maybe a couple of his friends) outing next year. See your parents separately - and if they ask why, tell them straight..!

silverbangles66 · 30/03/2015 16:56

They wanted to see him.

So tough, it's his birthday.

Next year, do something lovely with friends he chooses and tell the sulkers they can see him another day because they wrecked the outing this year with the atmosphere.

You can say it quite pleasantly and firmly, no need to be rude, just say, 'not sure what was going on this year, but it didn't seem as though either of you really enjoyed yourselves so next year DS is doing something different on the day and we can sort out another time for you that won't cause anyone any stress.'

I feel your pain.

If they can't act like respectful adults, they forfeit the right to be considered as such.

AlternativeTentacles · 30/03/2015 17:02

'Dear mother and MIL. Your behaviour this weekend was not acceptable. If you cannot make an effort with each other, then neither of you will be seeing your grandson on his birthday. Your move'.

BikketBikketBikket · 30/03/2015 17:03

Take your son for a family (and maybe a couple of his friends) outing next year. See your parents separately - and if they ask why, tell them straight..!

owlonabike · 30/03/2015 17:16

I would normally suggest dealing with family problems face to face, but as it's six and two threes with DMIL and DMIL, what about sending them a (joint) email giving it to them straight. If they're bare faced and immature enough to behave like this in public, year after year, then gentle suggestions won't work. And if they see that the other offender has got exactly the same message, then there can be no accusations of favouritism/ victimisation.
I'm a keyboard warrior, me

pluCaChange · 30/03/2015 17:28

Don't be confrontational about it, because both of them are sure to say, "Oh, no, I wouldn't do that..." and, indeed, neither of them would, if the other weren't invited! However, neither deserves to "win" the coveted day, even if the other is ill or out of the country (or, sorry to say, passed on, although in this case, just one year's purdah for the surviving offender, since there's a risk you/DH will burst into tears on the day, and it will become another anniversary Sad).

Hopefully his birthday is on a weekday next year...?

JessieMcJessie · 31/03/2015 02:11

Are there any DFILs on the scene? If so,what is their take on this? What does DH have to say about it all? If any action is to be taken you both need to be telling them so that the criticism is "even".

Does the antipathy stem from a particular incident or just a general personality clash?

At 8 years old your DS will be well aware of the issue. Make it clear to them that their behaviour spoils his birthday and tell them to grow up for his sake. Slightly different situation but my DM and her MIL (my granny) fell out badly when I was a child and I still have horrible memories of the atmosphere 30 years later.

Also you say they talk about each other behind the other's back. Presumably they are talking to you and DH, trying to get you to agree with them? If so you need to cut such attempts dead and refuse to be drawn, stating clearly that MIL/DM is part of the family amd you will not bitch about her or have such comments made in your house, making it clear you have told the other one the same.

Tutteredboast · 31/03/2015 02:19

Send a joint email with a link to this thread.

textfan · 31/03/2015 03:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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