AIBU - love my mum but don't think she can be happy

[Dontunderstand01]

I moved away from my parents due to husbands job over 10 years ago. I always planned to go back, and love them very much. My mum recentky moved house to be closer to my sis, and her 2 children. To give a bit of back ground, she has always wanted to be close to us, in terms of location, and now lives 5 mins from sis. Where they live is very expensive to the poibt where the closest I could ever hope to get is 30 mins away. They very rarely visit me, DH, DS. I visit 4 times a year, for several days at a time.
My parents hurried to buy their house and move, and since sept all my mum has done is complain. The house is not good enough, the street is too quiet, she doesn't see sis enough. This is somewhere she has wanted to live all her life, and she always wanted to be a hands on grandparent, lookibg after my sisters kids when she works. Now she complains and says how hard work it is.
I look back and see a pattern, her whole life she has wanted things, git them, and still been unhappy! She wanted to change careers in her 40's, did, then spent the next 20 years moaning about her job. She retired and now she is bored!
The house they moved to was apparently too small. They have just built an extension and now she is very down because she doesn like it.
I wanred to move closer to them, to help her and dad in their old age and to spend time with them, but now I wonder if it will make any of us any happier, and if she is really capable of being happy? She has become increasingly dramatic lately, crying over the 'state' of their house (it's lovely!) And about how unhappy she is. I have tried talking to her about whether she is depressed, but I think essentially she is an unhappy person. I knew she would be unhappy with the extension... she will now endlessly refer to it as 'that sodding extension' and talk about hiw they have wasted 40k, and never should have moved.
Ilove her but what the hell can I do? AIBU to think she will never be haooy, so why try and make her happy? I do love her, she is very caring, and I think doesn't realise her negativity, or insensitivity (cons tantly talks about spending money in the house when we are absolutely broke).

No advice or I would have given it to myself but

You can't make another person happy; the best thing you can do is live your own life and look after your own wellbeing. You can love, care for other people, but not make them happy; and you should not try to, particularly if it affects your own wellbeing. She is responsible for the choices she makes.

Some people just don't know how to be happy. My late father was never really happy his whole life. He had a very negative outlook and there was nothing i could do to change that. You mother is not going to change now and there is nothing you can do that will make her happy. She frankly won't care (or believe) that she is being insensitive towards you. I appreciate you love your mother and want her to be happy, but you have to accept this is the way she has always been and always will be. Sorry.

Some people are just unhappy and they see everything in that same light. It is who she is, you won't be able to change that. I would advise you to not move closer to her, she will take over your life with this unhappiness of hers. Unless she is willing to seek out help to determine why she is always this way there's not much you can do.

When you mentioned crying over the extension my thought was that she may be depressed, even though she's always been an unhappy person. do you think she has any other symptoms of depression?

I feel for you, this sounds like a difficult situation. Perhaps put thoughts about moving closer to her aside for the time being - you don't have to decide right now.

Do you pull her up on her insensitivity re money etc? Do you think she realises she's doing it?

I think from what you describe that it's not too late to try to help her to change, if she might be willing to take some action to help herself. She sounds like a prime candidate for CBT. How old is she by the way?

I am not sure. Could you gently say "Well on to a happier subject, I saw this really good program the other day..." and sort of try and guide her away from her woes?
Perhaps you could suggest to your mom when she complains that they look for another house then sell the one they have?

My mil is like this. I actually really like her. But nothing makes ger happy really they have moved to their dream home, twice since I have known them. Both have ended up as 'wish we hadn't have bothered' thy have only been in the new one a few weeks and already she is unhappy. Its just how she is. She had a great career that she started because it was something she loved, yet now says it was a waste of time wishes she hadn't have bothered.

I don't have advice as you can't change someone and if you tell her, she genuinely won't see it.

What does your father say/think? Have you discussed her possible depression with him? Does her negativity take it toll on him? Or could you take a leaf out of his book for coping strategies?

I empathise; my mum has always used me as an emotional crutch and it's hard when you feel responsible for their happiness.

my mum is exactly the same, she has a great life but is terminally unhappy. I've started to minimise contact because even talking on the phone sucks the life out of me. She's always looking for the next 'thing' that's going to magically transform her life (the latest one is moving house), but her unhappiness all within herself and she seems to have no insight whatsoever.

Could your mum have regrets about the move in general even though she is nearer your sister and her family she has lost all her familiar neighbours and friends she had for years maybe ? Has she been retired for a while or only recently the time she spends at home without her friends from work could be depressing her.
Could your dad not be aware of her unhappiness if she has always been like this does he put his head in the sand for a quiet life ?
I'd suggest always telling her how lovely she keeps the house and praise her none stop as she sounds very unhappy and yes the menopause could be the reason,it does sometimes go on for such a long time for some ladies.

Is she stuck for things to talk about, and then dwells on things which bug her and makes them into huge issues?

Sounds very draining for you. I don't think I'd be able to hold back telling her how draining it is.

Does she ever talk about your life, act interested in what you are up to? Or are her conversations just doom and gloom from her?

Some people are just never happy, unfortunate souls that they are. They seem to spend all their time looking for external things to fill a gap when real happiness is something that is internal. I don't have much advice but I do know what its like to have somebody like this in your life, especially when you've grown up with them.
I know you want to help but you can never make her happy. These kind of people never really appreciate the simple pleasures, they spend all their time looking for someone/something else to make them happy (impossible) and invariably feel let down when it doesnt happen. Change the subject when it arises and talk about nonsense if you must but this kind of complaining will suck the life from you while it appears to energise people like this. Do not move closer to her, you'll only both end up disappointed and its not your job to make your Mum happy when everything and everyone else in life hasn't.

I think some people are unfamiliar with the concept of happiness coming from within, or that it can even be a conscious decision. I wasn't aware of it when I was younger but I have read more and more about it over the years.
Maybe you could suggest a gratitude journal. That is a concept that I've found has helped me.

My step mother is someone who isn't happy unless she isn't happy, and there isn't anything you can do about it. Also, with her it's always someone else's fault. It's hard not be brought down by these people sometimes. As a PP said, I would consider letting her know how draining it is.

Wow maybe we have the same mother (-: I see her relatively often so she can see her grandchild but she always puts me on a downer. My little one had a 3rd birthday last week and she phoned ahead to say oh you won't need me will you on his birthday?, I am dog sitting!-then was meeting mates the next day so didn't turn up then either, or send a card or gift (though there will be a card and gifts in a couple of weeks when we go to visit them). Sorry Op, you are right, she is just a miserable sod. Look at it this way, its a great thing you have the strength of personality to be your own women, happy and optimistic and haven't let her downer attitude affect you too much.

Some people love moaning. It makes them happy (but drags everyone else down).

My only warning is that people's personality traits get more exaggerated as they get older. So an unhappy person is likely to become more disatisfied and miserable about things.

It's no use telling people they're lucky relative to other people (see Ralph McTell's "Streets of London"...); they seem to relish their bad luck and often it's everyone else's fault.

I would embrace your distance, OP, and try to work on strategies such as changing the subject abruptly when your mother starts moaning, like musicalendorphins suggests. It's awfully draining to have to constantly listen to someone's woes. My mother was like this and I used to have to steel myself sometimes before talking to her as it was a stream of misery. Also people never want solutions, they just want to vent at a sponge.

Wow, so many replies I can't believe it.

Yes, my mum is menopausal and I do believe this is exacerbating her problems. My dad would have been happy to stay put but has moved for her, and I think is trying very hard to be upbeat and make the best of things. He has always put her on a pedastal and doesn't like anyone to upset her, or challenge her.

She didn't really have many friends in her old town, and all she ever did was bitch about her ex-colleagues.

The more I think about it, the sadder it makes me. She has 3 lovely grandchildren, two of whom she sees at least twice a week. She has retired at 60 with plenty of money, and a lovely big house she has renovated from top to bottom exactly to her requirements.

My husband is currently studying for a PGCE, I have just returned to work after maternity leave and we are very much struggling to make ends meet, never mind the usual tiredness etc that accompanies having a new baby. She has little sympathy for me (she told me I was being OTT about worrying about my son going to nursery) and clearly doesn't listen to me (her advice to me was 'oh cheer up, why not go shooping, getting your hair done' erm, we have no money! ).

I wish she could realise how lucky she is. It will be very hard to accept for me, I think I have created a bit of a fairy tale image of happy famalies in my head, but I don't think moving closer will help anyone. I just wish I had some family nearby, I always wanted a good network of family for my son. My husbands dad is great, but they live in Brighton, which I certainly can't afford.

I need to get used to the idea that my mum will have to be on the periphery, and I need to focus on my DH and DS.