To not take DD to see her MIL

[hopeful31yrs]

MIL lives 2.5 hrs (on a good day) away. My DD is 15 months old and she has seen her probably 5 times in her life (I'm being generous and rounding up here). MIL and her husband are retired - yes her hubby is older than her and he's getting slightly frailer in his old age but is fantastic for his age - he is currently renovating their second (of many) home. She stated, when we first had our PFB that she would be down every 2 weeks to help out - this certainly hasn't occurred.

DH and I have been together 10 yrs. Before DD we always travelled to the ILs regularly and no one would do the trip to see us. DH's brother and Sister and families would never visit despite us always going there. Since our PFB and juggling 2 busy work schedules (both of us are medics) we don't have time to turn around on a weekend and jump in the car to take DD to see MIL. I don't have the time i'd like to see DD and DH at the best of times and my once well kept home is now a tip most of the time. MIL knows this. MILs excuses are that her hubby doesn't like driving in the dark (hence the few times we have seen them it has been for a few hrs only as they have been known to turn around and head back the same day), she won't get on the train and thought we were giving her a guilt trip when we suggested it, and won't drive herself as she doesn't like driving on "big roads". When she has come down she was really weird about staying with us as we live in a 10th floor apartment and she "couldn't possibly come up in the lift" as she "has a phobia" but has stayed in equally tall hotels instead.

She suggested skyping us so she could see our DD (guilt trip right back at you!) - but when we did couldn't wait to get away from the moment the call was initiated - it lasted all of 5 mins max!

Getting mildly irritated by her. DD is her first granddaughter and for us was a struggle to conceive. MIL has offered us help when things have been their most tough for us (sickness and offers of work for DH that he needed to take) and then has failed to follow through.

I feel sorry for her as my parents are close by which is not an issue for us as its a shortish journey in comparison and certainly doesn't need the military planning a trip to see MIL would entail. Consequently DD is very close with my parents.

rant over

Sounds like my ILs, except we are right at the beginning of this (DS is 2.5 weeks old).

There is only so much you can do. You keep offering/inviting ILs to you and if they keep refusing then, frankly, that's their problem. The consequence is that they don't get to see you regularly.

Could you meet halfway occasionally or would they also find excuses to refuse?

Sometimes you just have to back away from and stop busting a gut for people who don't give a shit about you. After 15 years I'm only just coming to terms with this

My ILs live a 2+ hour drive away. Like you we used to go there much more regularly before we had little DD (13 months). It's an awfully long day for her, 5+ hours in the car. Juggling meal times and nappy changes etc. So much easier for them to come to us.

ILs are lovely people, and i don't mind doing it occasionally. Maybe once every 6/7 weeks. Takes up the whole weekend though, as the day after we are all exhausted and out of sorts!

If i were you i would think of how often you are happy doing the trip and stick to that.

We had been married for many years before DD was born. As a result we used to do all the travelling to see family. When DD was born (and had loads of medical issues that meant that we couldn't travel) we had no problem saying to both families "right, we have done all the travelling to see you, now it is your turn". They knew it was non negotiable and that if they wanted to see us they would have to make the effort. And they did.

You just need to be more upfront and make it very clear that if they want to see you and your DD more often that they will have to try harder, end of.

Sounds more like a control thing, like them trying to be more dominant than actually having a problem. I think it is not unreasonable at all to expect them to come to you. Just say that you cant come for a while because of reasons you have stated and if they dont make the effort then its really them who are in the wrong, not you!!

This sounds very familiar. My MIL talks a lot about wanting to see her grand children more, but this means she wants us to visit her.

My children are 6 & 8, we make the 4+ hr journey once or twice a year and just accept it. It's then her choice if she chooses not to see them more frequently by coming to us (also retired, in good health, easy train journey)

I know there is no plane involved here, but my mantra is:

The plane flies both ways.

Okay. I don't like driving on motorways and I really shouldn't drive at night - my eyesight isn't good so unfamiliar roads are a nightmare.

Having said that, I would have no problem with catching a train.

Has your DH spoken to her about it?

Could you invite them for a weekend? Perhaps when there's a bank holiday so they can stay over one or two nights and travel back on the Sunday. Then you've got a day together as a family to recover. Suggest they let the train take the strain.

I wouldn't drive a long way now but I do wonder why she is worried about catching a train.
Think about how often you can reasonably manage to visit them and be clear about it. If MIL wants more contact than that she will have to find a way of getting to you.
If she was very physically incapable I would make as much effort as possible but it sounds from your post as if she is reasonably healthy.
How old is she?
I have to admit that as I rarely drive on motorways now I have become scared and would be dangerous.

Thanks. We have been over since DD was born and one of the 5 contacts that she's had was us going over there. To be honest it was a complete pain in the arse but we did it and then his sister turned up at 9pm wanting to see our then 6 month old (who was obv fast asleep).

Yes the plane flies both ways and DH has talked about not booking any work some days and driving down mid week but can only see this being worse on him as he 1) misses out on a few days pay 2) has to deal with the baby for a few days (the worse bit would be the car journey I suspect - and if the M25 is misbehaving that may prolong the agony) on his own.

DH has hinted at his mother - unfortunately his relationship with his mother is not the same as the one I have with my parents which would be to just to tell them straight. She is mid-sixties and well in herself.

We invite them over regularly and gave them our bedroom and ensuite one time she was feeling brave enough to get in our lift!

My advice is to give up now and save yourself the hassle. If they can't be bothered making an effort to build a relationship with their granddaughter then you can't make them. I know you probably like the idea of them growing up close, but if it's not high on their priority list then it just won't happen. sounds like your parents will have a much fuller role in her life, and that's totally fine you know. let go of the guilt, you don't owe them anything, they know they're welcome to visit and so what more can you do?

one set of my in laws (DH parents separated) are exactly the same. its all about the idea & image of being a grandparent, but actually they have no interest in the reality. DS is now 2 and wouldn't recognise them in the street, probably sees them 2-3 times a year. We have a new baby due soon so no doubt there will be a perfunctory visit, then that will be it until Xmas I expect. Their loss.

I am in the same situation - in the first 6 months my IL's have seen our little girl twice.

We constantly invite them, were invited for Christmas, all met with a no, but we are always expected to drive to them so with feed stops and breaks from the car seat its 6 hours driving in a day as there is no space to stay.

It breaks my heart as my mum is no longer with us and she would be (although lived 4+ hours away) popping up whenever possible, my Dad has done so as well.

I just have to accept they are not interested in seeing her grow up - to be honest when we do go they show very little interest in her at all so I don't push to suggest the trips - we don't get invited but do get the guilt trips. For example on the last trip MIL spent longer looking at a box set on her ipad my husband downloaded for her than interacting with her GC!

We still have their Christmas presents - they were invited for her first birthday 3 days post Christmas and they didn't come.