sister and mother in law problems

[2boys2girls]

Not sure where or how to start, I've encountered so many problems from them that I now avoid them at all costs, my relationship has broken down because of this as he has offered no real support,
I came into the relationship with two children which I guess they excepted but not fully,example(2 of many) at Xmas they would ask if coming for dinner then ask if kids were coming? When I sat they I mean sil and mil as they practically live up each others arses :)... When we were all there one time there wasn't enough ice cream to go around so said my child couldn't have one I said its OK I don't want one,mil said I was only saying it so my child could have one etc
When I had my 1st child with my dp both mil/sil lived at hosp etc and was in our lives a lot ,I didn't mind as we kind of got on ,over years things have worsened many when sil decided to want a baby , hooked up with a fwb just to get pregnant and did. Well life changed from then on in ,I and my children were completely pushed aside .. Each year the women of the family went away I never went as children not invited surprise surprise sil one was , any event that kids weren't invited now included her child , we since went on to have another child but the difference in treatment is so in your face, but partner won't/can't see it, sometimes he agrees to what I'm getting at but says nothing he can do, so last year I decided to step away and not see them and not once have they asked after me etc its like I don't exist, my sil gas even told her Ex that I gave spilt from dp, dp didn't confront until months after to which she said she didn't say so it was all forgotten, sil has done so much from not congratulating me in birth, ignoring texts, only visiting when wanted something yet never able to help in return,no birthday card to me and my children, mil gave my child a small pack jelly beans for birthday.. so much stuff I could go on, her child's birthday party I was blanked she was all over dp introducing him as her brother or child's uncle etc ,when I mentioned to dp he said he didn't notice. I just think if I was the sil/mil I would be asking what's up and trying to make amends but they seem to like fact they get dp and our 2 children to themselves once a week, aibu to stop my contact?I would except their sorry in a heartbeat but I can't see it happening ....

Coming from something similar, the only way this is going to work is if DP has your back, and supports you. As long as you are not doing anything that is wrong and this is all as one-sided as your post says, then if he continues to fail to support you, then resentment will build up towards him, and then your relationship suffers.

I was forced into a them or me situation. Something I never thought I would ever say to anyone. He chose me and is better for it and oddly I still hope for a reunion of some kind as it is a situation that would never occur in my family.

Ultimately DP needs to place a valuation on your relationship, and take action. You will always be viewed as the baddie by them because that is what they want. Don't waste your time trying to please folk that would insult you and your children so readily.

He needs to back you up.

Your real problem is your DP

I'm surprised you kept bothering for so long OP, they don't sound at all interested in you or your children for whatever reason- exclusion is never nice and your children will be affected by it. Some people can't accept children that aren't of their blood, someone was very adamant about this when my friends went through the adoption process and they've gone NC as a result. It's a shitty attitude and sadly it does exist. Since you've had a DC with your DP and they still act the same way it appears like they just don't like you and so treat your children shittily to reflect this. Which is very spiteful.

Leave your partner to sort out any presents/cards for his side of the family and decline events if you are asked if you know you will be snubbed and your children ignored.

Your biggest problem is your DP. He is allowing them to act this way and is in complete denial about it, whether by choice because he doesn't want to get involved or because he's so used to seeing someone being sidelined. He won't stand up for you or for your children so really the only thing you can do is go NC with the children and let him deal with any fallout. There's probably a lot of people who can advise about dealing with toxic people and getting your DP to see and accept what's happening.

My mil and 2 SILs go away on holiday every year and it would never occur to me to feel I was being pushed out by not being invited. It is parent child bonding and an IL would change that dynamic. Are there other SIL that are invited meaning you feel pushed out? Also I presume SIL is a single mum so naturally where she goes her child goes. I think some of the bigger issues such as not fully accepting step grand children, you children, as equal to full grandchildren are problems but I do think you are reading into other behaviour.

As others have said your DP should have managed this all better.

this makes me so angry .you and your eldest come as a package and if she can,t accept that then i would tell her to get lost
.my sons partner had a little girl when they met just a baby really .but she is loved as much as her sister .i cannot get these so called grandparents who make a diffrence i feel angry on your behalf .i would be making it clear to your partner its not on .she either treats them the same or non of the children will be visiting .no one can make her love the eldest two but showing a diffrence like that is not on.

as for the sil and her child .my mother in law adores my hubbys nieces and nephews could,nt really have cared less about mine yes it hurt at first but just rise above it and ignore them .

My partner says I should just except them as its his family and he would mine if like that! He says I cut away from them not other way round etc so its my doing . . . its so hard as they are probably all little issues but there is so many that I just had to step away before it ate me up. Tbh it still eats me from afar as the treatment differences are so apparent, I feel sil is the main problem but I feel mil should then bang our heads together and get it sorted but then again mil has done some cutting things ..... He won't support me as won't disrespect his mum, which I say fair enough but at least confront sil,he just says what good will it do etc , I know I'll never be a mil like this x

My oldest 2 are adults now so they don't really have much to do with them,it really came to head when sil had her child . . its a sad situation tbh x

hi 2boys .i think he may be right on the sil front .can you not just ignore her .its easier said than done .i know i hav,nt spoke to my bil in over 10 years even if we meet at hubby,s parent,s .just tell him if he want,s to see his sister fine but you don,t .or do you actually want a relationship with her .?

Agree with the poster above, your DP is the problem. What sort of person allows his family to treat his partner and his child this poorly?

Keep on staying away. I'm sure your sil has problems with other people. Keep your distance and it will be clear to DP who the real problem is. He probably already knows, but doesn't really know how to deal with them as they are his family and he can't keep his distance like you can. Leave him to have his relationship with them and just attend the odd gathering.

Anthernumberone... All female relatives go for the girls holiday and I don't feel I'm reading into behaviour as such there has been many things from her inviting just dp to her 40th to her inviting him and our 2 swimming when I'm there etc....
I agree with you popalat .though don't even attend gatherings now.
I not saying they treat my children bad just not same, I have 2 with dp and 2 are not. He treats all the same fortunately

her inviting just dp to her 40th
Then why didn't he have it out with her?

He said she did invite "us" but I know she didn't as when she invites both or family it'll be said as "you guys" he said when she invites him it's both but I know its not, so then he said "well you wouldnt have gone anyway" that's his answer to most things .. Thing is we got on well at the beginning we would go out together etc but over years things just changed

Did I read this correctly: you introduced sil to a fwb just so she could get pregnant? Did fwb agree to this pregnancy? Is he part of the child's life? Do people really do this? Sorry I can't get over this piece of information.

I think you do need to be careful. Things like asking if you are coming to dinner and then asking if your children are could be just to clarify. If children have a parent who they don't live with then there will be times when they visit them so why cook enough for two people who will be with their dad?

The invitation thing I have done, not to DIL but to a friend, chatting to the husband and asked if he was coming to a party we were having and then heard his wife was in a huff. I thought she was being ridiculous, it never crossed my mind she wouldn't be with him, in fact I am amazed he goes to the loo on his own as she is always so close to him.

No it was a guy she knew from old neither had children so kind of got together to gave one but relationship didn't work..
My children didn't have contact with the father so she knew they would be with me... I agree you seeing the other side as all stories have two sides but I'm not sure how else to put it...
Agreed about invite but I know what her intention is/was
I have distanced self so they prob say it's me but I've given up as I feel I can only take so much and I don't deserve to take anymore,
I let dp do all the visits and invited places and I stay away.
I do feel if I was mil I would be knocking on my door asking if all was OK and trying to sort everything out, as a mother to sons I would and will bend over backwards to make sure dil feels part of family even if didn't like I would as would not hurt/lose son over it

Thinking of more situations ... Mil/sil would invite dp and our 2 to meals/fates/birthday parties etc
Return Xmas presents ( i hope unknowingly as were gift 1 or 2 yrs previously)by asking if any of these gifts would do for our cboots/school fates etc
Excluded in girlie trips(was included at start then had kids) but sil dc went as soon as born, even dp didn't like this
Sil took a framed picture of our dd that was a mil and cut it down and put in new frame, dp was disgusted as was a tacky frame and felt she had no business to do so but he nevers said
Dd school plays mil couldn't come 2 yrs in a row
Sil would text me to come to ours every Fri to wait for bf to finish work and invite dp for drink,
Sil borrowed money and got dp to go car hunting for her but she would /could never return favours
We included them on everything concerning dc, it was like where ever mil went sil had to come, yet since sil had dc we never get invited to trips they go on,
Mil has big summer party my family are put on table on our own, I have stopped going as feel the exclusion
I contacted her through out pregnancy asking how things were,discussed names to let's (she was moving)everything normal
Hardly got reply or if did would be by mistake
When our youngest born she was in sc but she didn't ask after her, didn't even congratulate me when pregnant,
When older dc had car crash (could have died)she never asked after him
She stopped birthday cards to my older 2dc and I, mil would just write her name and family, my dc got a small tube jellybabies for 21st
Promises of family holidays to villas and USA but then backtracked
Sil gave birth we were to visit hospital she said had headache so dp visited her at hers,
So much stuff over the years I've lost track and tbh i can't remember all the crap, I do remember my dp agreed sil. at fault back in 2012 but won't back me,
I appreciate its all a bit muddled but I'm trying to remember off top head.
Just wondering do you think its me being petty or are they bu ? If the majority think me then I will try and resume a relationship with them as hate all this, even Xmas/birthdays /Easter etc my dp takes dc along as like I said I stepped away from all the crap about a year ago but a part of me is surprised that the mil especially hasn't come and seen,/spoke to me or at least asked after me....

Anyone have an opinion if it is me because I would appreciate an "outsiders" view and if I'm at fault I'll be the 1st to correct it ... I know as men's posts go this is old hat but please anyone xxx

Mn's not men's :-)

From the sounds of it you are not BU. Try talking to your husband about it. Tell him you want to try again with MIL and SIL relationships and tell him that if he thinks that its you then maybe he can help as clearly you have misunderstood their actions. Each time something crops up say tohim clearly I have misunderstood I feel that x is happening and i feel excluded because of y. What is the real intention/situation. Talk it out. Everytime he says SIL has invited both of you say are you would like to just give her a quick text and confirm its both of you as thats why you always said no in the past. If you feel excluded when out (your family at a table on own) say to him you feel excluded because of x help me see that is not the case. He will either show that you are being over sensitive or he will be put in the position of having to acknowledge that yes you are being excluded. If you phrase it as wanting help with building a better relationship with his family then he cant complain just keep saying am I being over sensitive because I feel x. Never say i think x is happening because thats an accusation so always say you feel x so he knows you will listen to him. Sorry if I rambled but wanted to reply when I saw the time gap. Not sure how good my suggestion is but its what I would do.

Wow thats long. Sorry. It doesnt look that long in the little box. I will be back to check on you later. Hopefully you will get some more replies.

Just don't know what to say or think anymore concerning this situation it feels like to much gas been done on their part to offer the the olive branch, Iwould try with mil i really would but sil I'm not sure I can, it hurts me that its got to this ,

Then maybe start with your MIL and see if you feel you can try a relationship with SIL, if not then at least things will hopefully go well with MIL. No matter what you do you should speak to your husband but dont make accusations like i think SIL is doing x. Say these actions make me feel x because of y. It will open a dialogue and you might be able to get husband to talk to them about it if he doesnt feel like its criticising (sp?) his family. Again its only an opinion of what I would do. I am surprised you dont have any other replies yet.

Think I'm one of many that have "in-laws" problems