To have lost attraction to my boyfriend for being too much of a people-pleaser

[BlueElly]

just to get it off my chest really

• seeing him for about 4 months and one on one we're fantastic, really bright and kind.

• It's a real turn-off that he just says "yes" to everything, doesn't value himself at all.

Every loose acquaintance (who often seems to wants a place to crash or someone desperate to hang out with after their other plans have fallen through) is his "best friend" and he has to agree to whatever social plans they have.

-(on above - I'm not obsessed with him spending more time with me or trying to control his finances or schedule or friendships, we're still living very independently which does suit me.

But we're both early thirties, and close friends are great but he seems to have no sense of discernment when it comes to people.

-when we first met, he seemed to have the occasional night out where he ended up picking up the pieces of some drama filled fight between his "so-called best mates and their wife/dog/mistress". I thought it might have been a one-off.

but it's starting to look like a pattern, like the script of Eastenders. He complains about how he's always spending loads of money and having a rubbish night out.

how can he always end up in that situation unless he gravitates towards it?

He's serious about me and is lovable, but it's impossible to love someone who doesn't love themselves!

Although he's moved to the big city where I live (for work, it's where we met) and is an intelligent professional he seems to have this weird small town mentality where it's the woman's job to be controlling and socially "manage" and "fix" their man. Or set boundaries because he can't do this himself for fear of being disliked.

I'm not going to do this, so its time for a break-up isn't it?

rant over.

Has he said he wants you to "fix" and "manage" him? I would have a chat and help him establish his own boundaries/ your boundaries as a couple, that way you are coming up with a solution/ seeing if he actually wants to change and not becoming the bossy controlling woman...

Don't step into the bossy woman role now or it will be established that this is your "part" and you will end up feeling like his mum (and hating it) for the rest of your relationship.

I don't think he wants to change redlips, hence why I'm not that optimistic?

We're living apart and I have a fairly busy work and social life myself so it doesn't actually practically impact me in any way whatsoever, but seems to be making me very unattracted to him.

I don't want him to be aspirational in terms of "like what I like" or just to go along with me, but he doesn't seem to developed any genuine sense of "this is my life and my needs"?

It's like if a "friend" went "pay £3500 for a weekend break doing woodland nut carving on a course run my mad aunt Alice" he'd agree just to be liked and feel popular?

He even bought his first flat because a relative kindly "offered" to sell it to him (basically I think it had been on the market for a while and no-one else had wanted it).

But he is expressing his own likes, as he is doing these things for other people, so I guess in a way he is telling you that his priority is to people please, or just to get on with other people. That may be the way he is for ever. I guess you have to ask yourself if you are happy with him and if not it might be time to walk away.

It's no fun to be alone. I don't know who he was with before you but I can easily see how you could get into a patteren of agreeing to go out because some friends tend to stop asking you out so much if you keep on knocking them back.

Faced with a choice of staying in and going out he has taken the sociable option, but may have fallen into this as a routine.

Despite having been going out for 4 months you don't seem to indicate that you go out much with his friends and vice versa. Perhaps you'd see him differently if you did, perhaps not, but unless there is something else horribly wrong with him then it would be pretty heartless, imho, to dump him because he is agreeable :S

The flip side of agreeing all the time is telling you what to do - you have to be wondering which is more preferable. Perhaps your history has been with 'manly men' and perhaps it is time to give some other type a go?

It sounds like you've gone off him and you don't want to go out with him any more.

Simple as that.

Would you prefer a more selfish person? Doesn't really sound like you're compatible-perhaps you should find someone less agreeable and more "boundaried".

I would want a man to value himself and be capable of making his own decisions and owning them. So if he chooses to go on friend Al's expensive woodcarving course fine, but don't then moan about it and expect me to sympathise. Grown ups make their own decisions and don't blame other people for their choices.
I probably do prefer more selfish men, I like men with a bit of drive and passion. I hate nagging so wouldn't want a man who couldn't just get on with stuff and organise himself. I have no desire to be with a man child.

Not being able to show initiative or accept responsibility bears no relationship to being agreeable and easy-going.
Do agree that if someone allows themselves to be pressured into things and then moans about it then that would be irritating.
Depends if OP's partner enjoys helping out his friends or not.
People with too strong a sense of their own needs can also be a PITA.
Perhaps OP is not very compatible with this person but someone else would be.

My boyfriend is the same, always doing things for other people, putting everybody else first. He has a history of being taken advantage of. A recent example is that he sat outside of a friend's house for an hour waiting to take him out (this friend was indoors and too busy arguing with his girlfriend to come out on time).

It actually annoys me a LOT. I can't quite say why.