5 years of ex's contact with DS being erratic. Any advice? AIBU to go for a Contact order?

[TheOrchardKeeper]

DS's father used to live 5 mins away. He barely saw DS til he was 2 then got more involved and for 6 months had him one night every fortnight which was good for DS but then when DS was 3 he moved a 3hr car journey away (cheaper house and all that was keeping him here was DS apparantly...makes him sound so important).

Since then he's been very hit and miss and won't see him for weeks then will expect to take him for a weekend and obviously the older DS has gotten/more aware he is (he's now 4) the more insecure it's made him after visits which I then have to deal with.

We've talked before but he gives the excuse of doing shift work. And yet he said he can't see DS for the next three weeks as it's half term so lots of dads at his workplace have taken time off to help out!! Err, yes, so you could've too if you'd wanted to and planned for it hmm

I've had enough, it's affecting my mental health (pre-exisiting depression but it really gets me down) and it's really starting to affect DS too which upsets me more than anything. What can I actually do to make the contact more routine and regular? I'm seeing a solicitor for a free hours session in a few weeks but I wondered if anyone else has been in the same position?

He also cancels a LOT, last minute.

I never tell DS he's coming anymore until he's 5 mins away or whatever but then that's unsettling for him as he spends 3-4 weeks with me every single day then is whisked off for three days with no warning.

Would a contact order make any difference though? If he can't be bothered to see him surely he would just cancel/not turn up? Its rubbish for your DS but I you can only do what you are doing and keep reassuring him when his dad lets him down.

If it was up to me I'd have made him go through the courts to get any contact at all but he's insisted on sticking half in/half out of DS's life since he was born and I'm trying to do what's best for him. It's bloody tempting sometimes though especially as he gets older and more obviousky bothered bu the sudden 3 days visits too.

A contact order will only be binding on you. You will have to make your ds available for contact at those times but if his dad decides not to bother or cancels it for any reason he will be able to do so.

I'm just going to say it can only be day visits unless he sorts out his schedule I think.

Would your xp agree to day visits only?

Hard to say. He doesn't seem fussed either way. Happily goes for a month at a time not seeing him, no word from him at all etc so it'll be more his family that are bothered.

My ex did this and I stayed out of it for DS's sake. Ex was the one letting him down etc. What I did do though was pass the phone on to DS so his father could explain why he couldn't make the visit.

I have to say that 17 years on DS has a good relationship with his father.

Can you talk to him and explain you want to change to just day visits?

A contact order could go in his favour and award him overnights based on his work schedule and what he can fit in, so he may be awarded Friday to Sunday EOW or if that doesn't suit him, every 3 or 4 weeks or monthly.

IME, courts tend to do whatever they can to facilitate contact with NRP's and this can quite often be construed as what your xp wants/can manage.

he may be awarded Friday to Sunday EOW or if that doesn't suit him, every 3 or 4 weeks or monthly

That would be fine by me as it would at least be regular!

I've stayed out of it mostly all this time as it's not worth getting into it usually. He's not that reasonable to talk to from past experience.

You can't force a NAP to see their children.
You can force the RD to make the child avaliable for contact .
don't bother going to court as won't change anything ..
I will say it again
you cannot force a dad to see his kid when he does not want.