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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not want to work with this guy anymore

19 replies

Albert42 · 26/03/2015 16:33

Bit of background. I have worked at my company for 8 years. Always got on Ok with everyone. Basically an easy employee who just gets on with their job.

I've been working on a project for this man for about a year or two. I took a dislike to him pretty quickly, which is unusual for me. He's very up and down, sometimes smarmy, other times antagonistic and he can be obstructive. However, such is life, we can't get on with everyone. I was just looking forward to the project ending.

Turns out I've now been assigned to another project with him. Sad Anyway he said he wanted us to meet up for coffee to discuss the new project. I was wary as it should really be my manager he meets with but agreed as it would be awkward to refuse.

At the meeting he implied we were best of friends. Hmm Kept saying how well we got on and that it was his day off but he'd come in specially to see me blah, blah, blah. I'm not naive. I know what he's after. He's married and so am I - and regardless hell would have to freeze over.

I really don't want to work with him anymore. Is that a massive overreaction? On the face of it he was just being nice so not something I can make a complaint about, but I hate having to have meetings with him.

I have a good track record so if I did say anything I hope my manager would understand but I think I might come across as really precious to mention it, even in an informal way.
Help, what should I do?

OP posts:
TwinkieTwinkle · 26/03/2015 16:37

How do you 'know what he was after'? What else did he do. From your description he sounds like someone who needs the people around him to know how 'selfless' he is and likes to be liked. I don't get much more from it though. I can't realistically see how you can refuse to work with him because he's smarmy and you taking a dislike to him. You would run the risk of being seen as difficult.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/03/2015 16:41

I think unless you have actual "evidence " you could be struggling here

Original poster
Albert42 · 26/03/2015 16:41

Yeah, that's what worries me. I don't really have a legitimate complaint.
Maybe you had to be there but he wasn't saying it in an 'I'm so conscientious' way, and besides we're not friends, it was all really weird and made me feel very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
uglyswan · 26/03/2015 16:45

"it was his day off but he'd come in specially to see me" is not something I'd want to hear from a work colleague, so I don't you're being massively unreasonable. However, I don't think you can refuse to work with him - but surely you can refuse any and all coffee meetings? Keep any exchanges with him brief, polite and refuse to veer from the subject of the project you're working on together. You don't have to like people you work with, but you're both responsible for maintaining a professional and functional working relationship. Remind him of that.

ivykaty44 · 26/03/2015 16:45

What do you think you should do?

Original poster
Albert42 · 26/03/2015 16:48

I basically want to make it known that I don't want to meet with him on my own anymore, but if I do say that I'll have to explain why and I'm just worried that I'll sound ridiculous

OP posts:
Original poster
Albert42 · 26/03/2015 16:52

Thinking about it he was a bit too complimentary last time we met alone (we were in the office). Commenting on my clothes. It would be normal for us to meet separately on things, but not essential

OP posts:
SukieTuesday · 26/03/2015 16:57

You were there. You feel that he was being inappropriate and I believe you. How you could bring this up with anyone is tricky because there isn't a specific action or comment of his that you could mention. I think I'd go with 'Would you meet with X about this please. Last time he went on about how he came in specially to deal with this on his day off and I think he needs the validation.'

uglyswan · 26/03/2015 16:58

OP, I think the problem here is the assumption that you would have to explain why you don't want to meet him on your own. If it is not essential, as you say, then he should be the one doing the explaining. "I don't think that's necessary" really ought to be quite enough explanation on your part.

SukieTuesday · 26/03/2015 16:59

Ah. Now you've mentioned comments about your clothes it looks like more of a pattern.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/03/2015 17:02

I totally get what you are saying and I believe you.

However, he's been quite clever, hasn't he? There's nothing really 'there' you can complain about, it's all instinct and things being 'off'.

I guess the first thing to ask is how important is this project to you/your career? Do you want to fight for it? Is there a way you can get yourself attached to something else without taking a career hit?

TwinkieTwinkle · 26/03/2015 17:04

Sorry OP I wasn't meaning for my original comment to sound like I don't believe you. All I meant was that he may not have meant things in the way you took it. Your next comments make me doubt that, he doesn't sound very nice.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 26/03/2015 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Albert42 · 26/03/2015 17:14

Most people find him tricky tbh, but it would still be seen as unprofessional if I refused to meet him on my own to discuss things. Can you imagine? "Sorry manager can you come with me because he gives me the creeps"
It might be that I can avoid him, it's just that my manager arranged a meeting the other day and then backed out, leaving just us two. I managed to dodge it that time but no so sure in future.
I think I' m just going to have keep a log or something, and grin and bear it unless he properly crosses a line. So pissed off that he's taking the shine off an otherwise lovely job though

OP posts:
Original poster
Albert42 · 26/03/2015 17:15

I do have a good relationship with my manager yes and I probably could say this but I'm just a bit embarrassed about the whole thing tbh

OP posts:
silverbangles66 · 26/03/2015 17:22

Is there any way you can include something in written communication that others are copied in on?

Eg "thanks for recent meeting, looking forward to achieving x with this project. waffle about project Also, feel a bit bad you came in to meet me especially on your day off. If you'd told me I woild have rearranged, very kind but completely unnecessary! Let's look at communication channels so that You won't need to give up personal time in future."

Sort of thing? I'd also make a point of verbally communicating my discomfort about his personal comments to colleagues or line manager.

"x made a bit if a thing about what I was wearing, it was a bit embarrassing. Had he done he same to you?"

I have been in a similar situation, and ended up being pretty blunt "that made you sound like a bit of a sex pest."

In he right tone it will get the message over loud and clear.

Original poster
Albert42 · 26/03/2015 17:27

I like that idea Silver! The time to do it has probably passed in this instance but certainly worth using in the future. I will be more blunt if he becomes more blunt but I think I need to tread carefully.

OP posts:
TeaTowelQueen · 26/03/2015 17:30

I used to work for some-one similar, I was uncomfortable but as you say, there was nothing I could really explain for a while. Then it got worse to the point where I got pinned up against a wall in the pub (rest of the office in the bar, he followed me to the ladies) and he tried to kiss me. Long story short I had been manipulated into thinking it was all my fault because I hadn't taken any firm action with him earlier (and he was very much my senior in the firm).

Cut personal conversations short, try always to meet in the open plan or keep the door open and make it clear (without going in to details, you don't have to) to your line manager that you do not want to work with him again.

If you have an approachable HR department, have a confidential conversation with them and get it on record but no action taken - this may help in the future.

Sorry if I sound a bit melodramatic but if he is anything like this guy I knew then he will be very clever - trust your gut instincts - he will knock your confidence badly. I have failed to understand what this chap got out of the whole episode other than some sort of weird ego trip....

SylvaniansAtEase · 26/03/2015 17:32

You don't have to be embarrassed though. Turn this around - you can tackle it in another vein which will make you look sensible and proactive, especially if you have a good relationship with your manager.

'I've called this meeting with you Manager to discuss X. I know he's generally a tricky character and I am perfectly fine with that, as you know we worked on project X for a long time and there were no problems. However, I wanted to give you a heads up and hopefully ask for your support in preventing an issue developing as things seem to have changed slightly and he's made several inappropriate comments to me - about my clothes, comments about us being very friendly when we're obviously not, and coming in on his day off and commenting that he's come in to see me. He's beginning to make me feel uncomfortable so I wanted to ask whether things could be organised to put a little bit of distance between us so that hopefully whatever has changed in his behaviour towards me naturally stops. I'd hate for an issue to develop which affected work.'

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