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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stand my ground on this?

55 replies

TooMuchJD · 26/03/2015 13:23

DH REALLY wanted a dog, I was reluctant but after 6 yrs relented when DS2 was 3 and over the baby stage. Stipulation was that said dog would be DH's responsibility, up to him to walk, feed, care for, clean up after etc. (We both work full time and I do all the childcare & majority of housey stuff as work term time only).
Nearly 2 yrs later and DH absolved most of dog responsibility to me & DS1 (15) apart from paying for insurance and walking him before work in a morning. He is now moaning about this and feels that DS1 should take over the morning walk so DH has more time to wake up in the morning before work (has to get up before 6.00am to walk him as he starts at 7.00am).
I feel this is unfair and have said so as he would then have no responsibility for the pet that only he wanted (especially as my main argument against having a dog was that we really don't have the time to give him the attention he deserves)

Or am I just being a bitch?

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 27/03/2015 08:34

Poor dog. Your dh needs to suck it up and stop complaining, or re-home the dog which seems very sad and unnecessary.

HopSkipCrash · 27/03/2015 10:53

Never mind the dog - how in the hell do you getnyour teenager doing all that?!!

Original poster
TooMuchJD · 27/03/2015 10:59

His stock reply when challenged is to get angry and divert the argument elsewhere - mainly "well your cats keep getting on the worktop" or something similar about the kids. He would never admit that he has made a mistake in taking on the dog, in the beginning he wouldn't let anyone else bond with him as it was "his" dog so as a result the kids don't have a strong connection with him as he is too big & boisterous for them to play with now.
During the day the dog is at home, we did try the dog walking in the day but this made his separation anxiety worse. I sorted a behaviourist out and have done the training with him which has been hard as DH constantly undermined what I was doing but then moans about the dogs behaviour, not accepting that he is responsible for a lot of it by not being consistent. He's the same with the kids too.
My gut instinct is that the dog would be far happier in a different kind of home, he loves being outdoors and following people about, chasing rabbits etc. and would go out of my way to find him a better home but I do not have final veto and DH is unwilling to do this so constantly in limbo - not good for the poor hound at all :(

OP posts:
SylvaniansAtEase · 27/03/2015 10:59

Good God your DH is an absolute lazy arse. What a terrible example.

I'd laugh and point out that you're glad he's brought up the question of dog responsibility as you'd been meaning to sort that out - and inform him that he's already on thin ice with breaking his original promises, never mind trying to weasel out of more. He not only carries on walking the dog in the morning, he starts taking on responsibility for some household tasks to make up for at least some of the stuff he's not doing with the dog that he should be. Or you'll be talking about rehoming - not the dog, HIM.

Worked hard to train him? I bet you have - you must be used to having to mop up for him. At least your DS seems to be following your example and won't make someone as awful a partner as your DH is!

Original poster
TooMuchJD · 27/03/2015 11:00

HopSkipCrash I use his phone contract as leverage :)

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 27/03/2015 11:02

I think you should start making enquiries about rehoming the dog. Nice as it is, it deserves a family that is willing to look after it properly. I don't blame you for a moment, your DH is not sticking to what he agreed and needs to be given a stark choice - stick to your commitment or the dog goes. It's not reasonable for your ds to be doing your DH's tasks for him.

Original poster
TooMuchJD · 27/03/2015 11:03

SylvaniansAtEase He does work in a physical job and often does 12 hrs but I get what you are saying. There is a deeper malaise at work here and he has "issues" which are reasons but should never be excuses.
Poor dog has just become the catalyst, its him I feel most sorry for and I'm really not a dog person but I really try my best with him.

OP posts:
SylvaniansAtEase · 27/03/2015 11:04

What an unsurprising update.

Guess what - you do have veto. Do you know why? Two reasons:

  1. YOU do the work, so you get the say.
  1. If you started making some decisions like this and carrying them out, instead of letting your DH act like a particularly spoiled, brattish and useless King of the Castle, maybe he'd smarten his act up a bit and everyone would benefit.

Start looking into rehoming the dog. When your DH protests, tell him without emotion that you are no longer prepared to do the work he said he'd do. He complains about your cats - 'Could you explain how that's relevant?' Complain about the kids: 'Here is a list of the chores DS1 does. It's more than you do to participate in the running of the house.'

BatteryPoweredHen · 27/03/2015 11:13

So who looks after the dog during the day while you are both at work?

Please don't say he is left alone until your DS gets home from school? After a perfunctory and reluctant walk in the morning?

Honestly, I think this dog would be better off living elsewhere, the poor soul..

debbriana · 27/03/2015 11:16

Stand your ground, stand your ground and don't back down. Am cheering you on.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 27/03/2015 11:18

I actually think your DH's behaviour over this would be a marriage deal breaker for me. How dare he abdicate all responsibility and effectively force you into caring for his dog? What does that say about how he thinks and feels about you?! I'd give him an ultimatum. Care for the dog or get rid. And if none of that happens, get rid of DH. Selfish and workshy spring to mind. Good luck OP.

PGTip · 27/03/2015 12:51

My DH was desperate for a dog when we bought our 1st house. Eventually I relented and we got a rescue dog. Tbf he was a lovely even-tempered and house trained dog throughout his time with us. My DH agreed to do the walks and clearing up. DH loves dogs & was brought up with them being treated as a family member so we had issues immediately as to me a pet is just that, a pet. He then started to ignore the state of the garden, particularly when wet/ cold or winter. We had our dog for 15years until he died and by then I had begun to resent his presence in the house (not his fault I completely agree but it's the truth!). DH also felt we should take him on holiday but as we can't leave him during the day in the caravans we typically rent, it would have meant our children missing out on trips as we could only go to dog friendly places. I would never have another dog until our lives are such that it wouldn't be an inconvenience. Your DH needs to remember the agreement made when the dog was obtained or it could lead to years of disagreement

championnibbler · 27/03/2015 13:12

you sounds very caring and considerate but i'm sorry to say your DH sounds like an awful knob.
i see this kind of thing time and time again where the one who mithered everyone in the family for a dog then absolves themselves of all responsibility once the novelty has worn off.
i would consider rehoming if i could be sure the poor dog would be as well looked after as you have done.

OliviaBenson · 27/03/2015 13:39

I can't believe people are saying rehome the dog. It's really not that easy- rescue places are overflowing.

If anything, rehome the 'd'h. Seriously though, it's time for a serious chat. It's sounds as if your dh wants to abdicate all his responsibilities. What happens if you get ill OP?

TowerRavenSeven · 27/03/2015 13:47

YANBU and if he insists I'd re-home as well. I almost fell into a situation like that, I finally said its either a family dog or no dog at all, we have a pond with fish in it now! But it was clear from the beginning that I would shoulder all the responsibility, I wasn't misled.

TowerRavenSeven · 27/03/2015 13:48

Need to be clear that we never did Get a dog!

FantasticButtocks · 27/03/2015 13:51

I would say to him 'I do not want to argue about this, but if you don't stick to what you promised and take full responsibility for the dog, I will have him re-homed' Very simple.

Original poster
TooMuchJD · 27/03/2015 14:43

I have threatened this before and he had almighty emotional blow out saying I was forcing him to get rid of the dog & that he would never, ever forgive me, also threatened that if the dog goes so do the cats; if he can't have pets why should I when they were equally as annoying at times and he doesn't like them (true, but then I look after them apart from DS1 feeds them when he gets in from school because they pester him to death :) I don't ask him to, he just does it for a bit of peace). He also insisted that I would have to sort out the rehoming and contacting the rescue centre because it was my decision not his; absolving himself of all the emotional backlash this decision causes.
He really is a twat at times and I'm having a hard time remembering why it is we're still together atm????

OP posts:
ShebaRabbit · 27/03/2015 15:10

Pity you cant get a behaviourist for your DH Grin
Seriously though you should keep at him about rehoming the dog because he has lost interest in it and doesn't want to care for it any more and that is not fair on the animal. He'll have to either put up or shut up. Dont accept any sentimental denials, if he really loved the dog as much as he claims to he wouldn't mind looking after it.

honeyroar · 27/03/2015 15:18

Poor dog. People give up on them at the drop of a hat nowadays.Sad

antumbra · 27/03/2015 15:22

No dog should be left home all day.

Cruel.

Why did you agree to a dog if you didn't want the responsibility?

OH would love a dog and pesters me, and although I work from home all day there is no way I would agree.

OP I think you were being naiive to agree to the dog in the first place and think the animal should be re-homed.

sliceofsoup · 27/03/2015 15:40

Your DH sounds like a lot of work tbh. It feels very much from your posts that you have to "manage" your DH in much the same way you have to manage children.

He does not want to keep up his responsibilities, and then turns the tables onto you when you try to. Has he always been like this or is it really just the dog?

foslady · 27/03/2015 15:57

If he walked the dog more he could give up the gym......

rookiemere · 27/03/2015 16:44

I'm so glad we decided to not to get a dog.

DH was desperate to and as DS is an only I had almost agreed to it. But I had grave reservations as I work p/t and do all pick ups and drop offs, most child care and housework cooking etc, and he just wasn't giving me straight answers on the responsibilities part so who was going to walk it, feed it, do the extra cleaning, didn't seem to appreciate the extra costs as although I am p/t I'm out 4 days a week from 8-4 so we would have needed a dog carer/walker.

He'd had dogs in the past so I assumed he knew what was involved. Well he decided we were going to borrow our neighbour's dog, who is i must admit a most glorious dog in all respect. We took him out for a walk - all lovely and delightful, got back - cold, muddy day so told DH he wasn't getting in until he'd cleaned the dog, which he did but not well enough so muddy pawprints and undercarriage all over our kitchen floor and living room carpet. Dirty looks from DH when I asked him to clean that up as well.

Very quickly the message got through to him that if we got a dog I would expect him to pick up the extra work, I have zero capacity or desire to add any further grunt work into my life, The next morning he announced that he felt we weren't in the right place in our lives to get a dog right now ( I cheered internally). He still wants one when he retires and I'm fine with that as then I'll have a bit more spare time and so will he to look after it.

antumbra · 27/03/2015 17:00

but I do not have final veto
Really OP. You are the one at the shitty end of the stick here so in my book is the one who gets to make the decisions.

I would find another loving home for the while OH is out and to hell with the consequences.