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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel useless - teen daughter

26 replies

idontknowhowtohandleit · 25/03/2015 17:05

For some reason I find it very difficult to cope with any drama in daughter's life.

We are very close and she confides in me about most things but I find it difficult not to get upset about things as I just want to protect her from everything. I could never speak to my own mum so have always made an effort to keep communication lines open with DD but I then wish not to hear as I cannot cope.

She became close to a lad in her year, she thought they were dating turns out he was using her. He would tell her how much he liked her but then would say nasty things behind her back.

She is having a 15th birthday party and wants to invite him. She knows he is no good but I think she has a major crush on him. She admitted that they had done some intimate touching, no sex but since then he has constantly in front of her tried to get with her friends.

I don't want him at the party. She says she will cancel the party if he cannot come. She also admits that if he does come she is worried about him "getting off" with one of her friends. She just seems to be so unhappy.

I don't know what to advise. As bad as it is, I beginning to think it is better that she doesn't confide in me anymore as I am quite useless. Plus she then says she wishes she didn't tell me because she doesn't like to see me upset.

She used to be in a lovely group of friends but is now in a new group which this lad is part of. I just wish she would go back to her old friendship group but she says she is happier know. I don't see that she is.

AIBU in banning him from the party, and if she does cancel it then let her, but will she resent me for it?

OP posts:
irretating · 25/03/2015 17:17

No I don't think you are unreasonable to ban him, if she cancels then it's her choice.

It's a great thing your DD confides in you, please don't stop her doing this. You do need to keep a lid on your emotional response though, be calm and serene and maybe reflect questions back to her so that she's coming up with solutions to her own problems.

silverstreak · 25/03/2015 17:21

I would ban him, yes - She'll thank you in the long run! I personally couldn't stand by and let some idiot lad take the piss out of my daughter right in front of me in my own home and hold my tongue... Could you?!

Original poster
idontknowhowtohandleit · 25/03/2015 17:24

Thank you irritating.

She keeps saying that all her friends will be disappointed if the party is cancelled and I feel backed into a corner.

I do try to keep a lid on my emotions but it is something I have always struggled with. Probably due to my own childhood (dad died alcoholism, mum estranged from).

OP posts:
Original poster
idontknowhowtohandleit · 25/03/2015 17:48

You are so right silverstreak, there is no way I could hold my tongue.

OP posts:
farewellfigure · 25/03/2015 17:56

Hm, I'm not sure you should ban him or cancel the party. Did you have mad crushes and fall in and out of love as a teen? The scenario your daughter is going through reminds me so much of a mad crush I had as a teen. I was about the same age. This guy would lead me on then date a friend... it went on for years. I had a feeling that he broke a lot of hearts. But at the same time I fancied loads of other boys as well. I wonder if what your daughter is going through is just 'normal teenage angst' but as a mother you are feeling it very keenly because you are desperate to protect her.

I clearly remember going to a party and watching 'the one' getting off with about three different girls. Not me though... never me. Then I walked home with a different 'crush'. Another time, the second 'crush' got off with my best friend. I don't feel scarred by any of it now I'm older and wiser.

Sorry if I'm completely wrong, but I just thought I'd put it out there as an option. Obviously YANBU to want to protect her.

BabyGanoush · 25/03/2015 17:58

I would let her make her own choices, her own mistakes, her own life.

Maybe step away a bit?

YouTheCat · 25/03/2015 18:03

Don't ban him. Yes, he might spoil the party but hopefully your dd will see what a nasty piece of work he is and lose interest. She has to learn this for herself to avoid years of unsuitable partners who treat her like shite.

There is no boy more appealing than the one your mother doesn't like.

seriouslypeedoff · 25/03/2015 18:04

Personally I wouldn't have a lad who groped my 14 year old dd and then called her names, in my house. Maybe that's just me. But it wouldn't be happening. Complete disrespected your DD. My dh would invite him and make sure he had a quiet word. Not nasty, but make his point.

I have a feeling this party will end in tears. But we all go through it, part of maturing. Something to learn from. Do you think she is too emotionally young to handle seeing him snogging another girl and be able to move on from it?

pippop1 · 25/03/2015 18:07

You are not planning to go out when the party is on are you OP?

Best to stay in but hidden away upstairs. Make a deal with her that she will promise to text you if she needs you for advice during the party or to come down and sort something out.

Good luck.

TattyDevine · 25/03/2015 18:12

Personally I feel social engineering should be kept to a minimum.

These lessons have to be learned the hard way. Obviously protect her from any extreme risk where possible, but hurt feelings, when she actually wants him there - too far in my book.

murmuration · 25/03/2015 18:14

Hmm. Is she hoping you'll ban him so she can cancel the party with an excuse, and doesn't have to deal with either him at the party or taking the stand of deliberately excluding him from the party?

Fairylea · 25/03/2015 18:18

I think unfortunately banning him would be social suicide if he finds out or she cancels the party because of it.

I wouldn't be happy about having him in the house either but I think this is one of those awful times when you have to step back a bit and let her make her own mistakes and decisions. It's all part of learning..... I do totally sympathise though, I am going through similar friendship / etc woes at the moment with my own dd and I see her in tears a lot. I do my best to help and offer advice but like your dd she wants to keep in with a particular group even though I dislike them so there is really not much I can do.

It's all so difficult.

JuliaDream · 25/03/2015 18:19

Don't show her you are upset when she confides in you. She needs you to be strong and give her advice and guidance ,which she will probably ignore Grin

I wouldn't ban him. I'm keep my beady eye on him though.

ragged · 25/03/2015 18:25

It's bound to be a drama no matter what you do.
Wouldn't it be lovely if she could wear the most fabulous dress with the world's best make up & shoes & snub him the whole party to rub in what he's missing?

MrsAidanTurner · 25/03/2015 18:31

Can you not just have him there and at some point, pull him aside and have a stern word?

Pyjamasandwine · 25/03/2015 18:50

Op you sound a wonderful mother.

God teenage boys are a doddle compared to teenage girls arnt they.?
My lads told me nothing and the girls far too much. Grin

Don't ban him. She needs to handle him herself and I titaoot get you want to ban the little git/punch his lights out but she sounds sensible underneath the drama.

Remember she may enjoy the drama and that's fine as you are providing her a safe space to act out.

Keep right with her and she will find him out for what he is.

Just a tiny add on. Contraception? Better safe than sorry op

CocobearSqueeze · 25/03/2015 19:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TheWitTank · 25/03/2015 19:21

My dad banned my boyfriend from our house when I was 15. I had been dating him 6 months or so, and for a month he had been treating me like crap. Letting my "friends" sit on his knee in our garden and flirting, being openly nasty (all in front of my parents). He went to walk one of my friends home Hmm and my dad exploded and told me I had better walk to meet him on his way back to ours and tell him he wasn't to come to our house again as he wouldn't have his daughter treated like that. I walked and told him and he cried ShockGrin. He was terrified of my dad! I love my dad for helping me get rid of a total cock. I wouldn't think twice about banning this boy from the party.

Leeds2 · 25/03/2015 19:30

Your dad sounds fab, WitTank. Were you mortified at the time, or happy to go along with it?

Original poster
idontknowhowtohandleit · 26/03/2015 00:29

Thank you for all of your great advice.

Things have moved on since I last posted. She messaged him (I wasn't aware of) and said he could come to her party but not disrespect her at her own party by trying it on with her friends.

All of a sudden he says he cannot come anyway now as something has come up.

Seems like she has scuppered his plans!

She seems ok about it but glad she is finally realising what this lad is all about.

OP posts:
Pyjamasandwine · 26/03/2015 00:35

Brilliant. Now she has to have a fantastic party and put it on Snap chat or whatever they do.

Well done op and your dd. Grin

silverbangles66 · 26/03/2015 08:30

Great outcome!

I was struck by your OP and wonder if you struggle with her dramas because of your upbringing. Alcoholic families have blurred boundaries and very low self-esteem and have to guess at 'normal.'

This drama was a normal teen thing - it happens whatever you do to stop it and in my experience the best thing you can possibly do is work with your daughter on her own self-esteem (and it sounds like she's doing pretty well with that text).

There are plenty of resources online if you need more info, but I'd say the best thing would be for her to know that she deserved better treatment.

You sound like a really lovely mum and it's fantastic that she confides so much in you - thats pretty rare in my experience so you're doing something brilliantly!

seriouslypeedoff · 26/03/2015 08:32

Perfect!!!

Original poster
idontknowhowtohandleit · 26/03/2015 13:38

Thank you silverbangles - you are probably correct in that it is my upbringing is why I struggle.

I see other parents coping perfectly with various issues, but when I have to deal with things, it feels as though my world has fallen in and am unable to be make the correct/right decisions.x

OP posts:
basketofshells · 26/03/2015 13:59

I salute you, OP, from exactly the same position. I agree that it's our upbringing - silverbangles expresses it perfectly when she talks about "guessing at normal". I have the same background as you and struggle with the same issues - I want so much to provide stability, wisdom and great communication with my two teenage dds, just to make sure they're looked after in a way that I never was. But the angst and drama eats me up. Every maths test, every friend issue, every boyfriend fall-out has me lying awake with my stomach churning. I've learned not to show it in front of my dds, and we do have good communication, but with dd2 (13) in particular it feels like an unrelenting wall of misery sometimes. So I've no advice, just a pat on the back and I'm glad it's worked out for your dd with the party. x