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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend the night at my mom's house whilst DS is so needy.

38 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 13:21

I have a job that, involving commute, means I'm out the house from 06.45 until 21.15. It's a very demanding job and it's fair to say that when I get home I'm shattered.

I don't normally work two days in a row, the first reason being breast feeding issues and the second reason being that I would struggle if I had to do two consecutive days of being out the house for 14.5 hours if I'd had an horrendous night with DS between the two shifts. DS has just turned 1.

Anyway, at the end of this week (Thursday and Friday) I have agreed to work two consecutive days due to staffing and the plan between me and DH was that after my first shift, rather than go home, I would drive to my mother's, spend the night there and then go straight to work from hers the next morning for my second shift. We agreed this for two reasons, the first is that my mom lives much closer to the hospital than I do (20-25 minute difference in the travelling time) and secondly it would mean I would get a good uninterrupted night's sleep between my 1st and 2nd shift.

However, DS is currently teething and it's affecting him quite badly. For the last 4 nights I have been getting about four hours broken sleep a night as DS keeps waking up, crying, calling out for momma and just wanting cuddles and feeds. It's taking me hours to settle him between his waking periods and it's draining me.

I can't stop thinking about how DS may be on the night I'm supposed to be staying at my mom's house and I feel guilty at the thought of leaving him when he's being so needy. I keep imagining him waking up and being in pain, upset and distressed and me not being there to comfort him Sad

The other day I didn't get to bed until 04.30am as DS had been up crying for three hours and then I had to get up at 6am for work. I was exhausted. I got through the day though because I knew I didn't have to be at work the next day and I could catch up on my sleep and rest.

I can't deal with the thought of having a night like that again. I don't see how I will manage with having to be out the house for 14.5 hours with work after only having had 4 hours sleep, coming home and dealing with another awful night (having barely any sleep again) and then having to go and do another 13.5 hours at work. I have got the Saturday off to recover but then I'm down for another 13.5hr shift on the Sunday.

As an aside, I have epilepsy so I have to be careful with regards my sleep and rest, hence another reason for wanting a good sleep between my two shifts.

So I know there are valid reasons for staying at my mom's and getting at least one nights uninterrupted sleep but AIBU to still plan on going even when my DS had been needing me so much at night?

I feel awful even considering it and I will probably hate myself afterwards if I learn he was really really upset and I hadn't been there Sad

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 24/03/2015 13:25

It would seem sensible to stay at your mums.
But long term your working/commute hours seem dangerous for your health.

squoosh · 24/03/2015 13:27

I presume you're a doctor/nurse and need to be operating on all cylinders when at work. This combined with the risk of an epileptic episode make it an easy one for me, stay in your mother's house that night. You need your sleep.

Your son will have his father with him.

LowryFan · 24/03/2015 13:29

Would it work for all of you to stay at your mums?

  1. Smaller commute for you
  2. Change of scene for DS might make him sleep better (after all it's not going to be any worse)
  3. Your DH is first port of call but you are on hand if really needed
  4. When you're this tired you don't need guilt on top of it all.
LowryFan · 24/03/2015 13:29

PS forgot to say 'this too shall pass' - honestly it will, I've been there and you have my sympathy Flowers

Littlef00t · 24/03/2015 13:31

Give yourself a break. You are doing the right thing and would be sabotaging your employment if you didn't go to your mums.

peppapigonaloop · 24/03/2015 13:32

He will be ok, it is one night and yes he might be more unsettled without you but he might not and it is not going to do him any harm. Let your DH deal with it and get a good nights sleep. All of your reasons for doing so are valid and reasonable..

Feeling guilty is normal but you need to try and ignore it for the night!!

Pyjamasandwine · 24/03/2015 13:40

Of course you should stay at your moms. That's sensible.

Op when my first was a baby he too was a dreadful sleeper and I too had all tte excuses ready as he's teething, overtired, hungry, stressed etc. he too was 1.

My lovely mil herself the mother of 6 sat me down and said.

' your baby cries at night because he doesn't know that your need to sleep is greater and more important than his needs. He is fine. He is fed, warm, loved and not in pain so he's crying for more attention which you should not give him as you could crash your car, injure yourself, make yourself do ill you can't cope etc.

Your needs are now greater as he's not a new born.

I did cc with him and it was a true miracle.

His needs were greater than tours as a new born. Now you need to take care of you and teach him to sleep.

PetraStrorm · 24/03/2015 13:42

OP, even if it wasn't for the epilepsy, I'd be advising you to stay at your mum's. Trust your DH with your DS - they will be fine. Add in the epilepsy and it's even more important. I also have epilepsy, and even though it's extremely mild I'm still off the road for a year following a very mild seizure a few months ago. If you depend on driving to get to your job, you really need to look after yourself and not run the risk of an exhaustion-induced episode. Flowers

Pyjamasandwine · 24/03/2015 13:44

Sorry hope that didn't come across as judgy as they wasn't meant at all. We have all been there. Just sharing my experiences with you. Smile

Gileswithachainsaw · 24/03/2015 13:48

of course you should stay at your mums. He's not abandoned or alone he's with his dad who I'm assuming is more than capable and will deal with his needs. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

one night to sleep so your not a danger to yourself or anyone else either on the road or at work is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Do not feel guilty Flowers

Comingoutofhibernation · 24/03/2015 13:52

Of course YANBU. Presumably your DH will be there for DS overnight, and will be able to give all the comfort and cuddles your DS needs? DO NOT feel guilty!

Bakeoffcake · 24/03/2015 13:56

You should stay at your mums house.

DS will be fine with his DaddySmile

NickyEds · 24/03/2015 14:10

Stay at your mums. It's not safe to drive or work such long shifts on so little sleep. Are you sure it's just teething? Three hours crying seems very extreme for teething. A friends LO was struggling really badly with teething and it turned out to be an ear infection-the symptoms are similar.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 14:15

Thanks everyone.

Normally DS sleeps brilliantly (following the involvement of a sleep consultant) it's only gone awry since the teething.

Prior to DS I was fine doing consecutive shifts because I would get a good sleep between them. Oh how miss and took got granted those nights Smile Following my return from Maternity I requested I work alternate days as I was worried about my sleep and my managers were happy to accommodate that.

I know DH can cope he will have to bit it's just difficult because it's me DS always wants when he's upset. DH does his fair share of getting up to try and settle DS but when he picks him up DS will push away from him, cry even louder and just shout for me. It pulls on my heart strings and I always go in and relieve DH from settling duties and take over.

Maybe it's a mother thing, or just a neurotic mother thing, but although I know DS will be fine with DH something inside me is whispering that nobody can look after him like I can Grin

I'm not sure DH's patience is as good as mine when it comes to a crying DS.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 14:19

Plus DH doesn't have the magic calming power of breasts which seem like the only things to work at calming DS down....

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 24/03/2015 14:21

Tbh it may well do your dh and ds a favour to learn to settle without your breast. means you can go away without any worry next time Wink

Iggly · 24/03/2015 14:22

What are your long term options for work?

Thurlow · 24/03/2015 14:23

Do it - and try not to worry while you're there and get some decent sleep Grin

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 14:23

I've spent a night away from them before and stayed at my mom's but that was back when he slept through from 7pm-6am so I knew I had nothing to worry about.

I really missed him though Smile
DS that is, not DH Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 14:24

iggly - I'm normally fine with my shifts, this consecutive day issue is just a one-off and unfortunately coincides with a very unsettled baby period.

OP posts:
Pyjamasandwine · 24/03/2015 14:25

Feeling guilty comes with the placenta. Whatever you do. Grin

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 14:29

That made me laugh pyjamas Grin

OP posts:
Iggly · 24/03/2015 14:31

Well at the risk of sounding patronising, take care of yourself! I got very ill when I was working with a sleep fighting clingy toddler! A run of virus after virus.

dietcokeandwine · 24/03/2015 14:31

It will be fine OP. Go to your mum's.

Bear in mind that your DS is shouting and wailing for you at night because he knows damn well that you're going to cave in and come in to take over. In the nicest possible way, you need to toughen up those heart strings a bit. There will be an element of 'piss-taking toddler' in there amongst any genuine teething unsettledness. Especially if you offer a breastfeed every time. Try and stop taking over and let DH get on with it.

You'll be amazed at how easily DC will settle when they know that mummy simply isn't an option.

(My three have all been through this to varying extents and without fail played up far less for DH than they did for me).

They will cope. It will pass. 'Twill be fine.

littlejohnnydory · 24/03/2015 14:34

YANBU really and if you're only home for such a short time it wouldn't make much difference to ds..unless he still breastfeeds during the night in which case, is it really possible to stay away all night?

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