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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about my friend?

21 replies

theladygardeners · 23/03/2015 16:18

I recently had a milestone birthday- a BIG one.(I'm a very old MNetter.) I got flowers from some friends and everyone was nice except an old , close friend of 30 years. I got a card and a phone call. She didn't even mention my milestone in the phone call. It's not a case of money- she's a millionaire as it happens. She stopped buying presents for me some years ago when she appeared only to buy for my DCs - not sure why she did that. I carried on buying for her then stopped when it wasn't reciprocated. I did think though that when I was X years old, she'd make some special effort.
On top of all of this her effort has waned over recent years, she's very wrapped up in her own issues, but then she has the nerve to ask me why I have pulled back from being so friendly. WWYD?

OP posts:

MelanieCheeks · 23/03/2015 16:22

I'd be pleased that I had friends who had lasted with me so long, and who still sent me cards and rang me.

Over and above that, I think you're over-analysing.

CitySnicker · 23/03/2015 16:25

So you wanted a present and a big fuss from her too and she didn't oblige? Is she the sort to expect that fro you? Maybe if she's not one for fuss, then she doesn't automatically expect anyone else to want one either....unless maybe for your 100th?

DoJo · 23/03/2015 16:25

Does she have children? Did she think that buying for them would 'replace' buying presents for you somehow? Did you mention the card when you spoke to her and she just breezed on about other things or was the subject of your birthday not mentioned at all?

If you want to try and save the friendship, then I think you have to be honest with her and explain that you thought she was the one withdrawing when she stopped making an effort.

WorraLiberty · 23/03/2015 16:27

Maybe she's not as interested in birthdays as you are? I know I'm not.

As soon as you described it as a 'BIG' one I knew this was going to be a bit precious.

She sent you a card and rang you up, why do you want/expect more?

Quitelikely · 23/03/2015 16:29

If she buys for your children why does she need to buy for you too? A card is still a lovely gesture.

I think yabu

FenellaFellorick · 23/03/2015 16:30

maybe she doesn't realise that you place meaning on gifts and thought a card and a phone call was showing you that she remembered your birthday and was thinking of you?

What effort isn't she making that you would like her to make? Is there any way you could talk to her about it? Not about gifts, that would just make you seem horribly grasping as she may not understand that it isn't the gift itself, but the meaning that you give to the act of gift giving, iyswim, but about effort and distance and regret that you don't appears as close as you used to?

MirandaGoshawk · 23/03/2015 16:34

Maybe she didn't realise it was a 'big' one? It's happened to me before with someone two or three years younger, it hadn't crossed my mind that it was their 'big' one. Maybe she's just a bit absent minded?

Original poster

theladygardeners · 23/03/2015 16:39

She does expect a fuss from other people. We have been asked in the past to keep dates free in our diaries for a birthday bash.
She doesn't have children. I never understood why she stopped buying me a birthday or a Xmas present- we knew each other long before DCs and she isn't short of money. She doesn't buy for the DCs now- they are adults and working.
I recall how once I turned up with presents for her and her DH one Xmas, she gave me a couple- for the DCs. I thought maybe she'd be giving me one later ( please be aware we had given each other gifts for about 10 years previously). She never did and hasn't ever again. I continued to buy for her then wondered why I was when her behaviour was so odd.

I continued to send her flowers for her birthday for some years but then stopped as she wasn't doing it for me and quite honestly we don't have nearly as much money.

It wasn't about the presents- or lack of it- it was about her complete lack of 'well how does it feel to be 100 now!!!'

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 23/03/2015 16:42

I think buying presents for dc but not adults is pretty standard. In our family we only buy for dc unless the adult is childless and then we buy for them!

Original poster

theladygardeners · 23/03/2015 16:45

so when the DCs are in their 30s then what? Revert to how it was before or let it slide?

OP posts:

Feckeggblue · 23/03/2015 16:47

But if I read correctly she rang up but didn't acknowledge the birthday? That's just rude and self centered

keepsmiling2015 · 23/03/2015 16:54

You sound v ungrateful. Sorry but you do. She sent you a card and a phone call. Just because she didn't fawn all over you or buy you a present 'because she's a millionaire' and 'not short or money' which you've mentioned a few times.

Maybe she forgot it was a milestone. Maybe she didn't think you'd want everyone harping on about it being a milestone. Maybe she's not that bothered.

YABU

M00nUnit · 23/03/2015 17:10

So you're 100? Congratulations!

Furyfowler · 23/03/2015 17:53

Yabu

Bunbaker · 23/03/2015 17:56

"I think buying presents for dc but not adults is pretty standard. In our family we only buy for dc unless the adult is childless and then we buy for them!"

This

jelliebelly · 23/03/2015 18:02

YABU - never understood why adult friends buy presents for each other. How was she supposed to know it was a "milestone" birthday?

TwoOddSocks · 23/03/2015 18:13

YABU about the birthday. Most adults I know don't do presents or a big fuss even over milestone birthdays, unless the person initiates things themselves (e.g. throws a huge party). Maybe you're being particularly sensitive because you feel she doesn't make an effort in general?

waithorse · 23/03/2015 18:35

I'm also in the YABU camp

Nanny0gg · 23/03/2015 18:42

Never understand some of these responses.

Just because you and your family don't do birthdays, if it is customary for some MNetters to do them, and then suddenly someone in their circle stops abruptly, why is the MNetter unreasonable?

CitySnicker · 23/03/2015 18:44

I'm wondering, if she's slightly more senior, if she thought she mentioned about the gift situation....but didn't. I forget what I have - haven't said all the time. It seems out of character for her, no?

PuppyMonkey · 23/03/2015 19:01

It isn't "odd" to not buy presents for other adults. It's quite odd to not take the hint and carry on buying presents for someone who's clearly trying to say "I'm not ever buying you a present again."

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