To feel a bit like I am failing my son

[Sussexbelle73]

DS isn't doing great in school- he is yr 2 january born and 7 and is probably in the bottom 20% of the class. I feel like I am failing him by not being around enough due to work and as a result he is too tired by 6 when I collect from childminder to want to do reading etc.
I spoke to some stay at home mums the other day whose kids are all doing well and I wonder if it is because they have so much more time.
I have 3 yr old DD too and there never seem to be enough hours in the day to focus on what is important. I work 3.5 days a week.
I read to DS every night and always have done but it feels like its not enough and he isnt keen at the end of the day to do more reading to me.
With sats looming, I am now really worried that he will get stuck in the bottom 20% of the class who another mum told me get written off.
I genuinely feel like its my fault for not doing enough with him and for letting him play with lego and chill when we get home. I feel really upset.
Help. Is it too late?

I work 5 days a week and still make sure that DS reads to me at least 3 times a week and I read him a story at bedtime. I can imagine it is harder with 2 DC but I think you are around plenty working 3.5 days a week. I get the "I am tired" line from DS but I still make him read to me - half a book is better than none. We also do writing practice at the weekends. Just try to timetable in some time together to practice things, it isn't too late!

I think many working parents feel the way you do. I certainly did. We never seemed to have time to do everything. We tried, but it always seemed rushed and I sometimes lacked patience because I was tired.

All you can do is try your very best and try to make time to do things like reading with him. Even if you spend 15 minutes reading with him, he will still have loads of time to chill and play with his lego.

If you want to know exactly what to work on with him, go into school and talk to his teacher. Identify key areas that you can spend 10-15 mins a day working on.

I have exactly the same feelings of guilt and so do many parents I know. Our children cover the full range of school ability from the very top to the very bottom. We still manage to feel equally guilty wherever they are!

the bottom 20% of the class who another mum told me get written off

If this is true then your problem is with the school not your son/time. I am sure he won't get written off, where he is in the class is important but having a nice, comfortable routine where he reads to you and you read to him is more important. My point being, he might just be in the bottom this year. Someones got to be! So you feeling guilty about work wont help with that

But if you want more time with him after work then you'll have to sort of force it I guess, get into a new routine. What about on the three days you work he reads you things that HE likes and chooses. And on the days you have more time he has to read the school ones?

If it makes you feel better I am a SAHM and we are often too tired after school/tea etc to do the reading. Mine is only reception, but even so. School life is knackering.

The bottom 20% of children do not get written off.

Do not feel guilty for working, it does not mean that you have failed him. Playing after a long day is exactly what he should be doing, children need to switch off as much as adults do.

Presumably the child minder has him from school pick up, could they do some reading with him? You can then get him to read to you the other days.

When reading with him, just pick out the odd words for him to read. Or take it in turns to read pages. Ask him questions about what is happening and what he thinks could happen next.

Is he bottom 20% in everything? How low are his levels? In a high achieving school, average Y2 levels can seem low...

First of all you are doing as much reading with your ds as you should be and probably more than a lot of people. Secondly don't listen to other parents about how well their kids are doing! You have no idea if they are telling the truth. I'm a SAHM and I also find my dd who is also year 2 can be very tired by the evening and tries to wriggle out of reading especially as we approach the end of term. However I would check that your childminder is giving your ds a chance to relax after school. Regardless of that what you are feeling is classic mum's guilt. We feel we can control and are responsible for everything in our child's life and that just isn't true.
I'm a bit concerned by your statement that your ds is in the bottom 20%. Where did you get that from? I've never heard a teacher describe children like that in this country.

First, I totally get the guilt. I've worked full time at points and (much, much worse than you) during these times I wouldn't hear DS read for weeks on end. My DS is now 8, and I can't remember the last time I heard him read. It's just not what we do together. But I too have felt terribly guilty at times.

Second, and this is a bit of a ridiculous statement I know, 1 in 5 kids is in the "bottom" 20%. It's fine. It's just schoolwork, and he's only 7. We place way too much emphasis on it (IMHO). There is loads of time for your DS to get interested in academic work and things are certainly not set in stone at this stage.

Hope you feel better about it soon. There's nothing in your post that makes it sound like your DS is anything other than absolutely fine.

I missed the bit about worrying your child will be written off. Again stop listening to other parents!! If anything kids who are not at the 'expected' level are likely to get more support and intervention in any decent school. Perhaps you should actually be questioning your child's teacher asking what they are doing to help your child. They spend much more of the day with him.

We have always listened to DD read in the mornings when she is fresher. Any chance you have time in your morning schedule to do that instead?

Lowest 20% do not get written off. If they are written off in your school, then change schools!

ps I'm a SAHM and my DD still struggles with various things.

Thanks so much for all your comments and suggestions- its made me feel a lot calmer.

The 20% thing was said to me by another parent- she linked it to ability groupings and how once they are in the bottom, they can never get moved up & are labelled- it really upset me a lot as DS has just taken longer to pick up writing & reading- in maths, he is where he should be for his age.
I hate the thought that he won't have the chance to progress and be challenged. Should I raise this with the teacher?

Yes and you'd probably get reassurance and suggestions for ways to help from the teacher too.

Yes go and have a frank chat with your teacher and tell her exactly what these other parents are telling you so she can explain what the school ACTUALLY does. I always say education is a marathon not a sprint. Some children seem to grasp things extremely quickly but then their rate of progress tapers off and the gap between them and the 'plodders' narrows. You sound like an involved and supportive parent and I'm sure you'll give your child everything he needs.

Talk to the teacher, although I am sure she would have contacted you if they had concerns.
How did he get on at parents eve?
Lego and relaxing after school and then reading a couple of pages of his book at bedtime sounds a great routine.
Please don't worry, that parent was a bit naughty to say that to you imo

I've always found the breakfast table the ideal place for reading and spelling practise. Mine are always very tired after 6pm so that's never been a good home work time for us.