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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if your children are like this?

15 replies

AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 13:19

I have a 7 and 2 yo plus a newborn. DP has a lot of days off/works from home but the older two want me for everything. If I go upstairs they'll follow me rather than continue playing downstairs. If I have to run errands they'd both cry/complain and want to come even if he was offering a better alternative like the park. When he isn't here they're very independent but when he is they're all over me all day.

I could understand if he was strict or not here very often but neither is the case. He says kids always just prefer one parent and shrugs but it means I never ever get a break because they don't want anything to do with him. When I mentioned going to the gym in a few weeks, my 7 yo said her and her sister would wait in the lobby and watch me rather than going to soft play with him Hmm

Are your children like this? Of course I adore them but it's suffocating when they're always one step behind me when he's here.

OP posts:
RiojaHaze · 23/03/2015 13:22

Oh mine do this. They decamp to wherever I am leaving DP alone - yesterday I had all 3 DCs in the bedroom with me while I sorted the washing while DP watched Fireman Sam on his own in the living room.

They will also walk past DP who will be stood in the kitchen to come upstairs and ask me to get them a drink/snack....

MrsFlannel · 23/03/2015 13:23

Mine are a bit too....your middle child is very small yet though so it's not surprising! Mine are 7 and 10 and the youngest does ask for Mummy a lot....what's helped is DH taking her out on trips to the pool etc with just him. Now she has her own relationship with him and it's improving. Could DH do that perhaps?

DisappointedOne · 23/03/2015 13:24

It's "default parent" syndrome and very very common.

Paintedpinksapphires · 23/03/2015 13:25

Insist they go and spend some time with Daddy, they'll have a great day.

DisappointedOne · 23/03/2015 13:25

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6031128

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 23/03/2015 13:28

Snap Rioja! They don't want him making them food/drinks because he doesn't do it right Hmm

7 yo would refuse to go MrsFlannel, then DP would get sulky so it feels mean to force it knowing they're only passing time together til she can get me back.

It's just frustrating that hes like a spare part and it's actually harder when he's here because they become more dependent on me.

OP posts:
MissMuesli · 23/03/2015 13:28

I would say it's fairly normal but I wouldn't allow it to continue to be honest. You need a break aswell. I'd just say you are going to the gym and it's for adults only, going to a frown up coffee shop etc.

kewtogetin · 23/03/2015 13:31

Mine are also 7 and 2 and in a word, no, they are not like this.
You say your husband is home a lot? But what is he doing with the children when he is home? My husband works, a lot, but when he's home he's 100% focussed on the children, takes them swimming, plays football, reads, gets drinks/snacks, does baths etc etc. because of this the children feel 'safe' with him, they can rely on him and know that their needs will be met.
It doesn't sound like your children feel very confident being alone with their father, they sound almost panicked and upset by the idea, I'm sure it's perfectly 'normal' to favour one parent over the other, but not to this degree, and especially not at 7.
Just being in the house when they're around too doesn't make him a 'hands on' parent, just being present is not enough. Does he tickle, watch CBeebies, do jigsaws, play kerplunk?

Morelikeguidelines · 23/03/2015 13:38

My dd (now 6) has been like this alot. I have put it down to her being very sick as a baby and me being the one that was always with her.

I think my default parent syndrome is a good way of putting it.

Having said that she is a bit better now and yesterday chose to go out with dh rather than staying with me when I was ill (she even perpersuaded him they should still go out without me!).

Ds (1) shows signs of being less like that even though he is quite keen on being with mummy. He welcomes dh with open arms and goes to him much more than dd did.

Morelikeguidelines · 23/03/2015 15:32

Should say that I think it's partly because dh has been with him more than with dd.

It's something you and dh both have to work on because as others have said you must get a break. Also there is no need to accept their choice not to be with dh - as long as you know he is good parent and you have said nothing to the contrary sometimes you have ti be firm they are going with dh (and so does he!)

MrsFlannel · 23/03/2015 20:49

I really would not allow the 7 year old to decide whether a trip with Daddy is in order or not. That's beyond the pale. What if you had to be somewhere else? If you think it would be easier, then in your shoes I would simply dissapear for an hour or three once a week so Daddy is alone with them. They'll get used to it. It's foolish to just suck it up.

Flugdrachen · 23/03/2015 20:57

Yup mine do this too - I regularly point out to them that they have two parents & doing stuff with Daddy is not optional!

mummytime · 23/03/2015 21:14

I used to go out without mine, and they had to stay with Daddy - no option. I did often have to take a small toy with me, "to remember them by".

I also used creches at swimming, so I could have me time.

In your circumstance I would just tell him you need time away from the DC, and timetable in some "me time" each week, and he has to look after them. The more time he spends with them, and makes it special the more they will want to spend time with him. But that's his responsibility, not yours.

Also if you go out in the evening, do not do everything before you go, I've seen lots of mothers do that - thats what you do for a babysitter not the other parent.

Morelikeguidelines · 23/03/2015 21:44

Sorry Amy but I think you should ask all your questions on the same thread so that people can see the context.

In this thread you don't mention at all that you 2 year old as SEN (possible ASD) that makes her wake up 20 times per night.

You don't mention your husband nearly suffocated the baby or his unreasonable gym habits.

I'm sorry but I think you are going to get skewed answers if you don't ask all of your questions together and try to compartmentalise them.

In the other threads it's not clear that DH has alot of time off/ working from home and yet he nods off all over the place while leaving you exhausted.

I have never ever searched for an OPs other threads before but you seemed so familiar and I don't think you will get useful advised by compartmentalising in this way.

manicinsomniac · 23/03/2015 22:26

No, not at all.

I'm a single parent, don't know if that makes a difference.

I suspect the main reason is that they've all suffered a lifetime of benign neglect from the moment they were born! Grin

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