To to feel upset with my friend, and my general lack of actual friends

[TheoriginalLEM]

I have posted about this before but i am really upset about this today.

I have a friend who i supported through an illness last year. She has taken a huge step back since she has recovered, partly because she has gone back to work. I talk to her on FB and get a lot of "we must catch up soon....." that ironically we have commented about other people saying this when actually they mean, we must catch up never!

So this weekend friend went out with a group of mums at school that I am friendly with too, told me all about it on FB. Never occured to her, or any of the other mums to invite me - as it is im pretty poorly this weekend so wouldn't have gone but it would have been nice to be asked.

AIBU to wonder what the fuck is wrong with me - it would appear that I am fine for dog walking, cleaning, and building work (i work with my DP) in people's houses and chats and coffees surrounding that, very friendly with people on the playground etc but never get invited to social events and worse, my DD doesn't have any friends why? because of me - because the mothers all have play dates based on their social groups. I am always on the outside of these groups. They will pass the time of day or chat about school related stuff but no further.

It breaks my heart that DD never has friends to play (i've offered) or goes to friends houses (i can't ask!). Swimming means swimming with boring mummy and often bumping into other "friends" at the swimming pool and my poor DD swimming up to them only for them to say "hi" and then carry on with their little groups.

I try to be a nice person, i am friendly and i think quite a good laugh - but maybe im just a bit of a twat.

You don't come across as a bit of a twat . I don't know how to solve your problem though. Could you organise a night in/out and invite them all?

You sound just like me. I had PND after the dcs and was dropped and ignored smartish. Under a previous name we were friends LEM. My kids have friends at school but don't really see them socially. One pupil recently had a party and invited the whole class except mine .

It's not you I had this once, now I know I'm friendly and really popular always invited to anything fun and the sort of person everybody likes apart from the parents at my kids primary school, the first school was fine and in still mates with lots of the mums but the school I moved them to, nothing, nada, perfectly polite and friendly but not invited to anything and I really couldn't. Work out what it was, have since moved area and once again am super popular again so it must be them!! You sound like a nice lady so I would cast your friend s bit further, look for some after school activities your child can go to and try to meet some nice mums

Nothing worse than a clique. It's them, not you. Not sure what you can do about it though, sorry people are such twats sometimes.

Do you invite them to your house at all? Or invite their children for playdates? Perhaps it's a case of making the first move?

I feel for you though - it's shit. I've really struggled to make mummy friends as I'm so much older than most of the other local mums and work full time.

thanks - just feeling a bit low

Before concluding it's simply other people being thoughtless - which of course it may be - is there anything you're doing that is fostering the idea that you're a friend to the needy only? I ask because of you mentioning that you supported a friend through illness and her not inviting you out socially, and you say you've 'offered' to host play dates, not 'invited'. It made me wonder whether you think of yourself as 'only there when needed in case of illness/emergency' and liable to be excluded, and that shows in the way you relate to people...?

My mother, who has reached 70 entirely friendless and with no understanding of why, can never grasp that her self-esteem is so poor that she's only at her ease with people who are ill, unfortunate or in need in some way - and that she is completely unable to cope with being around confident, happy, well, popular people because she feels they don't 'need' her. It would be unfair to say she's an emotional vampire, but the truth is I can even hear the difference in her manner on the phone if I'm happy - she gets this bitter 'Oh, it's all right for some' tone.

Not suggesting this is in any way your situation, OP, just giving it as an example of someone who is unconsciously alienating people. Do you see yourself as interesting and deserving of friendship?

Can you take control and issue invitations yourself - have people over?

Might the formerly ill friend want to forget the recent past and socialise with people she doesn't associate with having seen her low and vulnerable?

I found it difficult to make friends when I had no confidence, it took me years to figure it out and work on. Don't over think your situation but really work on your confidence and speak to yourself as you would a close friend. You deserve friends as much as anyone else, a woman called Louise Hay does something called mirror work, Google it, she has written lots of books about self worth and changing the way you think. You'll be ok.