Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect stbxh to pay half of activities?

29 replies

Fairy13 · 22/03/2015 12:02

DS is nearly 2.
He has just started doing toddler gym which he loves, and I would like to start him doing swimming lessons, I think it is an important life skill and good for him to do activities.

I text stbxh 'hi, I'm thinking of starting DS with some swimming lessons, would you mind if we split the cost in half?' It's £140 per term. I cover gymnastics because it was only £3 a session and I didn't want the aggro.

He has just replied 'no, that's what I pay you maintenance for'!!!

He pays £120 per month for his child, nursery alone is £800 per month!

Maybe he is right as I suppose I could just not send him to swimming lessons... But I do feel resentful that just because he lives with me I always cover the lions share...

AIBU?

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 22/03/2015 12:07

Was his 'contribution' assessed by the CSA or is it something that he's said he can afford?

I cover the lions share too. School fees, private physio (ds is disabled), clothes, Christmas presents, birthday presents, cello lessons... It pisses me off. I'm not sure that I can get him to contribute towards most of these though as it's my choice for ds to do these rather than a necessity, if you see what I mean.

chanie44 · 22/03/2015 12:08

I think he should pay half, but at the same time, I dont think a two year old needs swimming lessons. I'm sure it would be more beneficial (and cheaper) for you to take him yourself.

dementedpixie · 22/03/2015 12:09

Maybe if you had discussed it first rather than just asking for money he wouldn't have reacted the way he did. I don't see the benefit in paying for swimming lessons for that age though.

Original poster
Fairy13 · 22/03/2015 12:10

Yeah, it's hard though isn't it because if we were still together DS would be doing those activities...

Not CSA, just what we initially agreed (he is abusive, I didn't challenge it as I am passable financially) but I've done the CSA calculator before and it worked out about the same amount.

OP posts:
fairylightsbackintheloft · 22/03/2015 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fairy13 · 22/03/2015 12:11

He started his daughter with swimming lessons at the same age and has always been very keen that DS does the same. He just thinks that the maintenance should cover all.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/03/2015 12:12

He's a baby, he doesn't need swimming lessons.

Take him swimming yourself and have some fun in the water whilst teaching him what it's all about.

The maintenance does sound low compared to the nursery fees. Can that be re-looked at?

3littlefrogs · 22/03/2015 12:12

I do sympathise with you, but, a two year old doesn't need lessons.
Just take him with you to a suitable session at your local pool and get him used to playing in the water.

JillyR2015 · 22/03/2015 12:12

Our court order says I pay the school and university costs whoever the children live with (so unfair on higher earners) and he pays nothing at all. I don't think that is particularly fair as he got a massive divorce settlement from me but it is how it is with some of these people.

It is very important you have a sealed court consent order on finances. Have you reached that stage in the divorce yet? My chidlren live with me, I pay everything, I paid their father, he chooses not to see them. I think that's pretty unfair too but there is no law to force the absent parent to lift a finger.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 22/03/2015 12:13

If he's abusive are you certain that he hasn't fibbed about his income?

TwoOddSocks · 22/03/2015 13:15

Since he sounds like he's not going to be helpful I would just make sure he's paying as much maintenance as possible and not try to negotiate extras as they come up. Clearly £120 /month is nowhere near half the cost of raising a child so he's not contributing equally to essentials - in my mind this is worse (assuming he could afford more) than refusing to contribute towards luxuries like swimming lessons.

petalunicorn · 22/03/2015 13:24

I think in principle YANBU, but that is expensive for swimming lessons. We pay about half that. Also, at this age they are mainly learning water confidence and having a play so it can be reasonably left until he's older if money is tight, especially if you take him now and again for a splash about.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/03/2015 15:28

We pay £80 per term for private lessons. I'd say 2 is too young to actually learn anything. My 3 and 6 year olds started lessons at the same time last year and DS1 picked it up so much quicker because he was older.
My DH used to pay half for school trips etc for DSS but it ended up with his ex wanting to buy DSS a laptop/piano/games console for this birthday and asking for half towards that too and we couldn't afford it.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 22/03/2015 15:32

Fairy, assuming you get tax credits and child benefit too though - hope you don't have to pay the £800 nursery bill on your own?

Original poster
Fairy13 · 22/03/2015 15:43

I get child benefit and childcarer vouchers from my employer - although I can only claim £243 per month and it is still taken from my wages just before tax.

He justifys it because he has a daughter who lives with him and he chooses not to make her mother pay maintenance. Even when we were together and I was on mat leave and we were struggling he still wouldn't.

He feels that I should just be grateful for what I get.

It's really difficult, because I feel guilty that my son won't get the luxuries that he would have done if I'd stayed with the prick.

And I would never expect him to pay half for presents, particularly not consoles etc!

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 22/03/2015 15:49

If you expect him to pay half of activities, then surely you should at least discuss this with him and let him have some say in these activities.

Original poster
Fairy13 · 22/03/2015 15:59

I mentioned up thread that he put his daughter in swimming lessons at the same age and has always been very keen for DS to do the same.

He wants him to do them, we've discussed it before. He just thinks the maintenance should cover it.

OP posts:
waithorse · 22/03/2015 16:00

A nearly 2 year old does not need swimming lessons, take him to the pool yourself. When he's older, shop around. £140 a term is ridiculous.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 22/03/2015 16:03

It's irrelevant that he doesn't ask for maintenance from his ex, it's two separate things. I do think you need to go to the CSA. People lie about their incomes and things change. I wouldn't rely on him to be honest with you about how much he's earning.

If his contribution is increased then this will cover the swimming lessons Wink

3littlefrogs · 22/03/2015 16:07

I think you have to pick your battles.
He sounds completely unreasonable and selfish - but you know that - presumably that's why he is your EX.

Just tell him, if he asks, that you can't afford to pay for lessons therefore you will just take Ds along to the public pool for a play, occasionally.

You can revisit swimming lessons when he is 4 or 5.

TBH - an almost 2 year old will be just as happy with a walk in the park as to any activity you have to pay for.

honeyroar · 22/03/2015 16:38

What's his income like? My husband's ex always expects us to put in half of ss's activities and holidays, but she earns more alone than husband and I earn put together (works for her dad and wouldn't earn so much in the real world) and has a millionaire father that bails her out when she gets into financial difficulty. She has no concept that sometimes we really can't afford things, and occasionally a child should know that things can't be afforded, and not just expect the world.

I agree that swimming lessons at that age are not needed.

sparing · 22/03/2015 16:39

If you're going to ask him for money you need to clear it with him first.

Treacleupthehill · 22/03/2015 16:42

YANBU.

I think this isn't about the rights and wrongs of toddler swimming lessons: the XH presumably sees them as necessary hence paying for his daughter to have them.

I sympathise OP Flowers

2rebecca · 22/03/2015 16:56

I'm divorced and my ex and I would only expect the other to contribute to activities if we agreed on them before signing the kids up. If one of you is keen and the other isn't then the keen parent pays. Signing the kid up and then demanding money for something the other parent has had no say in is unreasonable. Shared parenting has to mean sharing the decisions not just the money.
We avoided weekend clubs so the parent with the kids could do fun things at the weekend until the kids got old enough to ask their parents if they could do x activity at the weekend.

2rebecca · 22/03/2015 16:59

Having taken my first to swimming lessons from under a year I agree that under 4 swimming lessons are more hassle than they are worth. You get fraught changing them and they don't swim any better than kids that start at 4 or 5 and often parents get fed up of the palaver by the time the kids are old enough to get something out of it and learn how to swim properly with face underwater etc.

Swipe left for the next trending thread