DH thinks that all bad things people do are due to being "raised incorrectly" or a bad decision the person has made in their life.

[BertieBotts]

I say, WTF? I can't articulate why but this makes me rage! People can do bad things for all kinds of reasons.

Help me formulate an argument. Or AIBU and he is right?

Yes this discussion came about as part of a discussion about parenting. How to help DS control his temper. He's six, we both know a lot of it is time and maturity. I think I have that slight fear that every abused woman has - that DS might turn out like his dad (not DH). I see his mannerisms in him all the time when he loses control and feel that it's a really important thing for us as parents to help and guide him into learning control, not using it as an excuse.

"The other violently disagrees. We banter back and forth for a while. In the end we realise that we're actually on the same page but have expressed it differently or come at it from a different angle and assumed that the other saw it in a different way."

wow that sounds intense. Can you agree to disagree? you don't have to view things in exactly the same view? Can you both accept different opinions?

Ah ok that would explain the 'rage' you feel that I couldn't understand.

In all seriousness, just have a proper, honest talk with your DH as this is not about some arbitrary concept or argument. When he states this argument, it's clearly very triggering for you.

So sorry you had an abusive ex

"I think I have that slight fear that every abused woman has - that DS might turn out like his dad (not DH)"

ok i understand hy you feel emotional about this subject .

children are never carbon copies of their parents. grandparents etc. but i can totally understand how the thought would spook you. Sorry am not a parenting expert but six is a tender age still. Lots of love, clear boundaries, simple routines and activities which he enjoys should help?

We can only do our best as parents. And then hope.

oh, and your dh is probably trying to reassure you in his own (clumsy?) way?

again, am no expert but i imagine that being abusive is about control. Allow your ds control in the right way (control over his body, eating, clothes etc.) all within reason. so he can develop confidence and autonomy whilst respecting boundaries.

... not trying to say how not to raise an abusive child, just that any child would probably benefit from being respected as well as learning to be respectful so there is no need to obsessively control others.

Thanks all

Off out now but will be back later.

Let's not forget nature in the whole nurture versus nature argument.

Genes also play a role.