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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To address bullying at kids party via the mums of kids involved?

15 replies

flower68 · 22/03/2015 10:56

Nightmare. My 10 year old has just come back from a sleepover with 5 other girls in floods of tears. Seems in two of the games three of the girls ganged up on her during a game of X factor, pushed her off the "stage" ( a sofa) so she banged her elbow then tried to stop her crying so the adults didn't find out. She was then disqualified from a party this morning. These kids are normally really nice and my daughter can be very sensitive. All their parents are friends of ours. I think I am going to have to call them and without getting too involved explain things from my daughters perspective and say she will be talking to each of them tomorrow to explain how bad she feels. It's really tempting to try and brush it under the carpet but I feel the need to help my daughter stand up for herself even if it causes problems with my friendships. AIBU?

OP posts:
26Point2Miles · 22/03/2015 10:59

Is this one isolated incident?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 22/03/2015 11:04

I would get your DD to talk to them and turn call the parents if this can't be resolved between the girls first

I would make it clear to your DD that you absolutely have get back and will intervene if needs be but it would be better if she could speak to the girls to start with

How were things with them when she left this morning?

Original poster
flower68 · 22/03/2015 11:04

Yes - although my daughter has struggled with friendship issues and with standing up for herself when other kids are mean to her.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 22/03/2015 11:05

What do you mean disqualified from a party? The other girls have uninvited her from a future party?
I would probably have a word with the parent/s on this occasion. I would presume someone was keeping a vague eye on proceedings and may have noticed any upsets? It doesn't have to be an angry/upset/defensive chat. Just say that your daughter came home upset after the sleepover and you wanted to hear the other side of the story. Poor kid. I hope she is feeling better.

Original poster
flower68 · 22/03/2015 11:06

Thanks Gobbolino - not good as she arrived home in tears.

OP posts:
Original poster
flower68 · 22/03/2015 11:08

Hi Wit tank - no she was disqualified from another game they played. I can call and find out more and I am friends with the mum so it should be ok. Thanks!

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 22/03/2015 11:09

This is why I hate sleepovers with more than one person.
Groups of girls can get spiteful and carried away.

Besta · 22/03/2015 11:11

We had this when ds was about 10. Ds decided he didn't want to go to the party if the child would uninvite on a whim so I called the mum and cancelled, telling her exactly why.
I think it was a turning point in my previously very shy, tolerant (too tolerant) child and made him realise the value of being able to stand up for yourself when needed.

MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched · 22/03/2015 11:13

I would tread very lightly. It may be that they were all overexcited, hyped up and (by morning) sleep deprived. And most party games have an element of did qualification, how else do you get a winner? I suspect that the other children are unaware of the deep upset they have caused your DD, so a "I thought I'd let you know..." is probably better than a "what are you going to do?"

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 22/03/2015 11:16

I'm just wondering if Dd was upset this morning if the supervising parents noticed anything?

If so, then it might be worth a call bit I would encourage your DD to speak to the girls. Standing up for yourself is a really valuable life skill and one that needs to be taught.

I wonder if DD would feel confident enough to do it knowing that you will step in and speak to the parents if required

Original poster
flower68 · 22/03/2015 11:17

Thanks all feel better about this. I had overlooked the excitement/ girls-in-a-group/ sleep deprivation factors. Will focus on empowering dd to say something.

OP posts:
Original poster
flower68 · 22/03/2015 11:19

Thanks Gobbolino - am going to call and ask. And yes I think DD can tackle it knowing I will go into bat if needed.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/03/2015 11:20

How well do you think your DD talking to them will go?

Not very, I would have thought.

I know standing up for yourself is a good thing - when it's one to one. But if she's got to talk to a few then I can see it ending a bit badly tbh.

(Can you tell, I was your DD when young...)

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 22/03/2015 11:30

When I say "talk" to the girls, i think it is simple as saying "thanks for inviting me to the party. I was a bit upset to be excluded from some of the games and obviously my elbow was sore after I was pushed off the couch."

That's all that is needed. Depending on how the girls react, then DD can decide if she wants OP to speak to the parents

The great advantage of this is that the girls cannot say to their parents when questioned that they know nothing about this as obviously DD has mentioned it. Mis, OP can report back any negative reactions, thus making a "stronger" case for how her DD was treated as the girls have had the chance to apologise but not taken it. Plus it mitigates any comments by the parents that perhaps their little darlings didn't realise that DD was upset as it was specifically drawn to their attention in a non-confrontational way giving then the perfect chance to apologise, which they didn't take.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/03/2015 12:08

I'd call The parent- host tbh. Wtf they didn't keep things under control. I'd be embarrassed if one my DC's guests went home upset.

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