AIBU to want to make MIL take a step back from us?
I've never liked MIL. She's a very loud and controlling person who has for years left me out of family photos, not thanked me for gifts and talked over me at every opportunity. She isn't just like this with me, it's with most people. I am not at all a MIL hater. I so wish I had a nice MIL. I'm so envious of friends who have close relationships with their MIL and wish I could have had the same. DH and I have always been very close to my parents. We shared the same humour, interests and just had fun. MIL has always said it's inappropriate for parents to be friends with their adult children!? (Knowing how close we are to my parents). We're in our 30s and parents in 50s. So we only really saw the in laws once a month over the past 10 years.
We had our first child (1st grandchild) 2 years ago and from that moment MIL has been on our case. She turns up at my house unannounced early in the morning, she rings us nearly every day wanting updates and to give her thoughts. This all sounds like a caring grandparent but it never feels that way. She is obsessed with my son but it always feels like it's to show off to her friends and compare him to her friends grandchildren. So and so was crawling at age...etc. My son often cries when he sees her and finds her loudness very intimidating. We see them every fortnight these days and MIL complains that is not enough - and that she's not involved in his upbringing...(I don't consult her on parenting issues but I wasn't aware I had to).
Fast forward to January this year. My dear mum died suddenly at 58 from a stroke. I'm devastated and I honestly thought despite her usual coldness, MIL would be there for me. This is the hardest time of my life and surely a maternal instinct in her would kick in? Instead she has NEVER hugged me or asked me how I am. She walked over to me at my mum's funeral and asked me to get tea for her friends (moments after I gave a difficult speech). She then also told me my son wouldn't remember my mum but don't worry because he has his grandma (her!). All she's done since mum died is insist that she takes my son so I can 'get my nails done' (I guess she thinks that's how you deal with the biggest grief of your life. She still has both of her 90 something parents). I'm so so hurt by her absolute lack of care towards me. Mum always felt uneasy around her because of the way she looks down on people and now I feel she's gaining from my mum's death by getting more time with my son. It scares me and breaks my heart that he will only know her as a grandma figure. My mum was so loving to him and he always beamed at my mum. Now he'll never remember.
FIL is a quiet man who never questions her or puts her in her place. I hate for him to see less of my son because of her, but he doesn't ever stand up to her and had allowed her to say some awful things to people over the years.
Basically I want to cut contact back to once a month with MIL. I'm struggling with my mum's death and I can't cope with her being around making comments and shouting her authority. I would never ever stop ds seeing his grandma and grandad but I can't handle how much she is in our lives right now. My dh is not close to his mum at all (remember children can't be friends with their parents) and would totally support me. But my conscience is questioning if it's me whose in the wrong...should I put up with her constant comments for the sake of her, FIL and my son? (Recent comments - why isn't she in as many photos as my mum in our house? Photos are all I have of my mum now. Why won't we agree to Christmas day at her house as she wants to book a restaurant, it was my parents turn last year so we owe them a Christmas? I simply told her I couldn't bear to even think of Christmas at this stage and my mum will never get a 'turn' again.)
I would never be intentionally spiteful. I just can't face the upset she brings every week and I worry about her influence around ds as he grows up. She is not at all the type of woman I want him to see as a role model. Rude, loud and empty of any emotion.
AIBU to make her take a step back from us and limit visits to once a month? And if I am BU, any advice on how to handle it?
(By the way dh has tried to tell her that her comments about my mum really hurt me and she simply said she didn't want me to get stressed about guests not having tea and so thought I'd want to know! She claimed not to remember the grandma comment)