To ask those of you who are NC with family for advice?

[PrincessTeacake]

Posting here for traffic, it's mildly urgent.

My friend is in the process of going No Contact with her family. She's working out the details with her therapist and it has been very difficult for her to deal with, so she's been taking her time extricating herself.

Today, her mother messaged me on facebook, apparently oblivious to any issues, asking about her and saying she's tried to get in contact to no avail and is worried. I don't know what to tell her, it's up to my friend how much or little she wants her to know and she's a bit upset and can't decide what I should tell her, so I said I'd ask y'all for some help.

Mumsnet, what do you think I can and should say?

Can you do a breezy 'I know she's very busy ATM' for now?

It's a holding position really.

Id personally just not reply.

Your friend wants to go NC you don't want to maybe say somthing that would look like your friend will get back to her.

I wouldn't reply, there's nothing you can say that isn't either telling the truth (not your place) or lying (why bother). It's up to your friend to tell her mum that's she's going no contact, if you start replying now, it will be even more messages.

+1 for not replying. If you answer then there's a good chance she'll keep coming back to you fishing for information about your friend.

Agree that you don't reply.

What will she likely do if she gets no reply?

Is she likely to call police or anything OTT if she doesn't hear from yr friend soon?

Unless you are proper friends with her mother then delete her as a friend on fb. If you're not friends with her on fb and she just messaged you anyway then ignore the message, if anyone asks then it went to the 'other' folder.

Thing is, I had to read the message in full, so she probably knows I've seen it. Friend is in another country and hasn't been back here for over a year, if that makes a difference. Also, she has a brother she's only recently cut contact with who could have been asked.

Hold on OP, I'm just thinking up a distraction tactic .

I'd ignore it.

If your friend doesn't know what she wants you to say, then the best thing is to say nothing at all.

From experience: if you reply you will get drawn in and end up a 'flying monkey' where you're used to glean information about your friend even if it's unintentional.

When we were NC with MIL, she contacted all manner of random people in the guise of being 'concerned'. It was more about telling the world how hard done to she was than concern.

"Flying Monkey"?

Wizard of Oz reference womble

From Urban Dictionary:

"A flying monkey is someone who does the narcissist’s bidding to inflict additional torment to the narcissist's victim.

It might consists of spying on the victim, spreading gossip, threatening, painting the narcissist as the victim and their target as the perpetrator.

Despite this, the narcissist does not hesitate to make flying monkeys their scapegoats when and if needed.

The narcissist might send siblings as flying monkeys to badger the adult child back."

A lot of the time (in my opinion) flying monkeys aren't nasty people, they're well meaning but don't really understand that you don't want contact of any kind, so they can get sucked into it without realising.

I'd also say don't reply. Not your circus and not your monkeys.

Thanks