Another PIL and childcare issue!

[Lilipot15]

I see there are a few of these threads today. I work 3 days a week in a high pressure job which I enjoy. We had a recent supervision issue with the childminder which I shan't go into, but could have been quite serious. She has taken it seriously, done an incident form and we are meeting today to talk things over. My daughter is happy there for her 2 days a week - my parents do the 3rd day - and she likes the company at the childminders.
DH is less happy for her to go back next week than I am and would prefer his and my parents to do it all. Trouble is his parents have seen her once since Xmas and that was a month ago. He says they could come on Sunday, stay over and then it would be fine to leave her with them.
In my mind, DD is going through a spell of pretty major separation anxiety and it has taken a while to build up the close relationship with the childminder and my parents for me to feel happy to just leave her without fretting all day.
He says I don't know how amazing his parents are with kids. I don't know because I haven't had much opportunity to see it! I kept saying how welcome they would be to come over here in the week to get to know DD in her own environment (and that also I'd appreciate the help and company!) but they haven't visited in the weeks before I went back to work. I have no doubt that they love her and are good with children but still I worry that DD would feel confused about being left with people she is far less familiar with. Not to mention the fact that they have no idea of her routine and are not nearly as active as my parents. (And MIL cannot hear very well but refuses to get a hearing test).
Am I being unreasonable and precious here and insulting to his family? I am thinking of my daughter's emotional well-being as well. My parents could step in and do all three days temporarily but they agree with me that DD enjoys company of other children and is happy at childminders! I don't want to be careless about her safety but I feel if the childminder has learnt a lesson which I think she has, a second chance is reasonable.

Do his parents want to do it?

Well exactly, do his parents want to do it?

How serious was the issue with the childminder, would you be better off with a daycare or a different childminder? Or an nanny share?

It's a big commitment, plus having them to stay over every Sunday night would be a total dealbreaker for me!!

They have offered on the phone to him. That is a good question - maybe they don't feel that confident which is why they haven't taken up the offer to come and see us. Not sure how much it is DH wanting it! He got pretty annoyed last night when we discussed it, which makes me think he also realises they could have made more effort to come and visit but won't admit it. They don't work any more but do of course have their own busy lives and are much more involved with his sibs who live in the same town. DD is only grandchild though.

How old is your DD?

We are moving soon so fortunately whatever arrangement we come to is temporary. I just need to feel confident for the next few weeks until the move. I'm pregnant too, and need all the sleep I can get in order to function well at work and in general day-to-day. There is a definite pattern that DD won't sleep well when she is not settled with someone, then I pick up the pieces with nighttime wakings!

She's 13 months, in the midst of separation anxiety and now has a lovely bond with my parents and I'm really quite happy with the childminder apart from last week's episode.

Wips - exactly, the staying over issue is not ideal as we don't have much space. At present DH is mainly in the spare room as I usually end up cosleeping at some point in order to maximise everyone's sleep. Our bed not ideal for 3 of us and certainly not ideal the night before my two busiest days at work!

Wips the issue was that DD managed to eat food she is allergic to and was quite ill for a few hours. I send her with her own food but she managed to get some of the other's food (I know as her vomit clearly contained it!!). Going to have a frank discussion about the risks etc....I personally feel that with a mobile toddler this was going to happen at some point, but still, it gave us all a big fright.

I think you need to separate out the 2 issues in order to deal with them clearly. So:

1. Is the childminder a safe environment for your DD. I know you said that isn't the issue but as you and your DH aren't currently in agreement on this, perhaps explaining it here may help you clarify your views?

1. If the childminder is not an appropriate place for DD, what is the next best alternative? It seems to me that if your parents are already providing care that both you and they (and DD) are all happy with and they can do the extra days in the short term, doing anything else would be crazy.

However it sounds as though your husband is keen to build the relationship between his parents and DD and I think this would be well worth trying to find ways to do. But ways that don't involve an already (naturally) anxious baby suddenly being dropped on people who aren't used to her and her routine for 2 full days.

And to add - I'm sure DH's parents could and would cope with looking after your baby. But surely outside of an emergency situation, everyone should be aiming for more than just 'coping' and instead trying to give both DD and his parents a lovely time - which is most likely best achieved by a very gradual build up with you mainly present.

Captain your post has hit the nail on the head nicely - thanks! I have been trying to invite them to do just that, but for whatever reason they haven't taken it up yet. Our new house will have more space so should be more conducive to visits where they can stay over more comfortably etc....
I totally agree that they would be fine and competent to manage her in an emergency but my main concern is that our working days are quite long and it is a long day for a little person with people she is unfamiliar with.

Captain, I think DH is perhaps hoping this may be an opportunity to get them more involved but I think as you said a nice gradual build up would be much more ideal. I have a list of things I want to talk about with the childminder about the food safety, but more importantly just first going to listen to her take on it which I think will be very telling about how safe things will be from now on - ie. Level of insight etc.....

Just to say that we are popping out shortly but I shall check in later before my meeting with childminder. Thank you all for your help here. MN is good isn't it!

Would it be possible for you (or DH of course) to take DD over to their house for a brief visit? And you could perhaps do a big number on how tired you are and would really appreciate it if they could help entertain DD for half an hour while you have a sit down etc?

But that assumes that they are happy to help, just not very proactive about it!

Captain's advice is spot on. It's difficult to give a detailed answer without knowing the seriousness of the incident at the childminders but if it was a serious as your post suggests then I would, like your husband, have concerns about her overall safety there. That said it is a big ask to involve inlaws unless they are overly keen and have offered to help out. And unless they are really keen and committed to it, asking "favours" can give you a headache in the long run too.

My little boy goes to nursery 3 days and each grandparent one day a week. I find the nursery days much less stressful as you aren't asking a favour and so don't feel so obliged to rush home as soon as possible and I do feel like I'm putting upon them a lot despite them offering at the outset. Paid childcare is expensive but there's a lot to be said for it at the same time.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is you probably need to get inlaws views and sit down with your partner from there.

Good luck. Childcare is a right pain in the bum!

Re:the allergy issue at the cm. at ours we were told not to put, nuts I think it was, something another child was allergic to in our dc's lunch or snack. I think this is quite common practice.

If it's something like milk though and she took another's bottle this could be harder to facilitate.

If this is a one off, and the cm has now changed policy/practice then I see no need to change your arrangements.

As an aside, you do sound quite frazzled. How far along are you with this pregnancy? I say because you could take mat leave from 29 weeks which would solve the problem.

If you are intending to go back to work all these problems are just going to get worse. You will be even more tired and possibly have 2dcs in bed with you. Also GPs who are able to babysit 1dc are often not fit for 2 under 2s.

I'd also highly recommend getting a super king sized bed!

Fermers I am already looking into childcare for when we move - considering a nursery for 2 mornings a week.
I totally agree that the grandparents situation needs to be reassessed once there are two littlies, as I do want to go back to work - I have really enioyed being back and doing part-time hours after mat leave.
Jackie having spoken to the childminder I think she has fully appreciated her lapse and has shown me her policy to ensure it will not happen again....though of course it shouldn't have happened in the first place. DD was happy playing back there whilst we chatted and I have photos of her looking very jolly there. I hope to keep on the childminder for the remaining few weeks until I stop work - dead right I am going early in this pregnancy - if DH is in agreement. It has been a difficult week and we could have done without all of this but hopefully we can move on and I can feel that she DD is safe and happy. The PIL issue is something I think needs work on in the long run, as someone sensibly pointed out upthread.

I think if you're happy enough to continue with your current CM that's the way to go and see if your in-laws gradually start visiting more once you move. I was a little surprised that when my DS1 was born my MIL gave some very valid sounding reasons why she couldn't do any paid childcare for us (having done it for other babies/children in the family), including babysitting. It meant I couldn't easily return to the workplace because at the time the cost of a CM or nursery would take almost all my FT wage (DH was on a very low wage following a redundancy). She then managed to rally herself enough to do childcare for other family members and that's that. Maybe your in-laws will be enthusiastic about helping, if not you'll help your little ones find a place to both be happy in :)

Update - Had a pretty frank discussion with childminder about risks etc, and feel happier that it won't happen again. MIL came for a brief visit - enioyed seeing DD but no discussion with me (I felt unable to directly ask, we don't really have that sort of relationship) about helping with childcare. So, dilemma over and it's basically back to childminder but my parents are ready to collect early if problems or take over if the arrangement isn't working or I have a major wobble about it.
I've learnt a lot about pros and cons of different settings in these few months, but adding another little one into the mix may mean that different options, eg a part-time nanny may be better in the long run. Thanks for all the advice ladies.