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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow ExH to take DC to Tunisia next month?

55 replies

sam84uk · 19/03/2015 23:48

I've already posted on someone else's thread over this but feel it belongs in AIBU.

Background story is ExH asked late last year if I was ok him taking our 2 DC abroad for a week in April (he's taken them abroad before). He mentioned Tunisia to which I asked if he'd 'googled' how safe the area is, he said it's not the final destination, they were looking at others i.e. Canaries, Turkey. 6 weeks later he sent a text to say they'd booked Tunisia.

I wasn't happy but thought that as it was booked there wasn't much I could do. I did mention when I saw him that I wasn't thrilled over the destination, he said it'll be fine & that was it.

Then yesterday the news hit about the awful terrorism in the capital of Tunis!

I've voiced my anxiety about the situation & that we need to discuss it. He's taken the line that it'll be fine, they'll stay in the resort, the coastal holiday resorts are safe....bla....bla...bla!

I've asked if they'd consider trying to change the destination, he said it's all booked & paid for.

WWYD?

The DC obviously have no idea & are looking forward to their hols. I do have the option of taking them to Crete (we have family there) the same week to 'soften the blow'.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
sam84uk · 20/03/2015 12:36

I didn't necessarily agree to him taking them to Tunisia to start with, I asked him to research it (I don't think he did) & went & booked it anyway.

I'm usually pretty level-headed & not a big worrier in general but as said I'm not comfortable with them going to a country which borders Libya in the current climate & where the terrorist attack was aimed at tourists.

Legally either parent with PR can object to the other taking their DC abroad (he could say the same to me). It would need a court order to be overruled - obviously I don't want to be going to these extremes & causing problems in general between us as parents.

His partner messaged me to try to reassure me yesterday as they are also taking her child. I think she's as clued up as he is to be honest.

All of the communication has been via message despite me saying we need to talk properly about it, his last message was to say he'll call me tonight but it won't change anything!

I would consider contributing financially to the extra cost to change the holiday but as it stands he's not been willing to even consider this or explore that route.

OP posts:
Original poster
sam84uk · 20/03/2015 12:39

Barbarianmum

Yes FCO is the Foreign Office

OP posts:
BolshierAyraStark · 20/03/2015 12:47

of course YABU, i understand why but it's still unreasonable.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 20/03/2015 12:48

We were booked to go to Paris just after the recent terrorist attack so I understand your concerns but we did continue with our trip so obviously I think YABU.

I don't think it's fair at all to stop your DCs going on holiday with your DH and then take them to Crete instead. If you feel that strongly that you don't want them to go to Tunisia then I think, as a PP said, you should be discussing an itinerary change with your DH and offering to pay for it. Arguably Tunisia will probably have increased security in the wake of the attack making it safer.

I also agree with a PP who said there have been attacks in lots of different venues in different countries so there is an element of having to decide where to draw the line. Do you avoid coffee shops? airports? office blocks? museums? I think when it's something as important as curbing a holiday you have to try to look dispassionately at all your decisions and try to be consistent.

BarbarianMum · 20/03/2015 12:57

Thanks. Having just looked at FCO website travel for most of the country is still classed as OK, and 100 miles from Tunis seems ideal as it would be a long way from a) the capital b) areas where travel is not recommended.

I can see why you're worried but rationally it sounds pretty safe to me. Safer than France, fi, where we holidayed last year.

RocketInMyPocket · 20/03/2015 13:03

I understand why you're worried, but yes I do think you're being U if the FCO hasn't flagged area as one to avoid.

Original poster
sam84uk · 20/03/2015 13:07

Ideally I would like him to change the itinerary change & would contribute to costs.

Unfortunately though his opinion at the moment is that he's unwilling to consider that. He has said he'll discuss the situation with me later on but it's not going to change anything.

OP posts:
Heels99 · 20/03/2015 13:09

Unless you go to court you can't stop it. Everyone who goes to Tunisia seems to come back with ghastly tummy bug that would be my worry

FireCanal · 20/03/2015 13:11

Can't help giggling a little bit at the idea that Wales is definitely safe Hmm

Original poster
sam84uk · 20/03/2015 13:33

Since all of this I've learnt that too Heels99 & that's another worry. As far as I'm aware legally if 1 parent doesn't agree to the DC going abroad then they stay put until a court rules otherwise. I can't see that happening within 3 weeks & knowing him he wouldn't want to pay to do that.

Just reading back through the posts & noticing my typos due to using the site on my mobile, sorry about that.

I'll see what is said tonight but I'm expecting him to carry on being dismissive.

OP posts:
Longworth · 20/03/2015 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caroldecker · 20/03/2015 18:36

YADBU

MrsUrquhart · 20/03/2015 19:12

I can see why you might be having a little worry but I don't think you have a rational reason to do so. Terrorism is really not the biggest risk pretty much anywhere (obviously wouldn't go to a war zone though!). I live and work in central London and regularly travel to other capital cities for work. All have a raised terror threat atm. I really don't worry about terrorist attacks happening. Even if I knew for sure that there would be a bomb on a train in central London I would still go to work because the chances of being on the wrong train would be very small.

But then I nearly got hit by a car last night, which is much more likely to happen.

Original poster
sam84uk · 21/03/2015 19:35

Just to update on this.

To change location of the holiday ExH has asked me to pay for the loss of the original holiday plus the cost of a new booking...over £4000!

Or for the DC to just not go an admin fee of £150.

I'm still unsure.

OP posts:
Original poster
sam84uk · 21/03/2015 19:37

Oh & FWIW he didn't have any idea about what's been happening in the country & didn't look into it before booking despite me specifically asking him to.

OP posts:
AlPacinosHooHaa · 21/03/2015 19:50

tricky, do you get the impression he would mind them not going?

Has he said 150 not to take them?

Its just peace of mind, I would feel awful in this situation, I am sure they would be fine, its just concerning full stop if you dont think they do any research etc.

If he seemed casual about not taking them, I would be inclined to say no, pay 150 and take them to your dad.

Sickoffrozen · 21/03/2015 20:41

In wouldn't go to any country that borders a conflict zone as Tunisia does and I also wouldn't go to a country where over 7000 of their population have left to fight for IS.

It is only a matter of time before beach resorts in the likes of Tunisia and Egypt are targetted.

GoooRooo · 21/03/2015 20:48

Sorry OP but I think yabu. I completely understand why, but I would let them go

Stinkersmum · 21/03/2015 20:51

Yabu. I currently live in KSA. Look at the borders.... It's not a worry. As others have said, the FCO is very good at giving the right advice.

ThatBloodyWoman · 21/03/2015 20:57

On one hand,I know my dh wouldn't want me to take the dc's to Tunisia if I had it planned,and I think its only right to respect his wishes.
On the other hand,although I may be happy to go to less stable places than dh,I wouldn't want anyone else to take them without me,as I couldn't risk assess on a daily basis.

I think its going go be a tough decision.

If you are truly worried,I will,but only just,come down on yanbu.

jendot2 · 21/03/2015 21:04

We are going to Tunisia next week with the children....... We live in London. The way I look at it is we are in danger every time we get on the tube, go to a Tourist attraction in our own home town. I will be more vigilant (we won't be going too far off the beaten track or near to border towns. We probably won't visit Tunis either) but it is not a reason not to go.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 21/03/2015 21:10

I will be more vigilant (we won't be going too far off the beaten track or near to border towns. We probably won't visit Tunis either

ops ex doesnt sound like he even knew about the attacks or has much clue as to whats going on.

were he a switched on, risk assesment, street wise person, one might feel more assured, they are in good hands, but I am senseing from her posts she doesnt feel this to be true and this is why she is worried.

I would be worried with such a man taking my dc there, but less so with more switched on person

Phephenson · 21/03/2015 21:24

YABU
I'm not saying that you have to be comfortable with it, I wouldn't be either but your Crete option would be a holiday with you and not their dad - that's not an appropriate exchange.

Original poster
sam84uk · 21/03/2015 22:34

He definitely isn't particularly streetwise & I think it's different that some people have chosen to holiday in Tunisia with their DC to having their DC go there with the other parent without you. Also as I've said I didn't necessarily agree to Tunisia to start with & had I have been looking for our own family holiday with the DC I would've avoided the area.

I also get that terrorism can happen anywhere but to me I believe it's more likely in some places than others & I'd rather not put my DC in a place like that.

Over this evening I've had his partner call me off of his phone raising her voice & demanding a decidecision from me now! Apparently it's her who paid for the holiday. Also they're now telling me it could cost more than £150 to cancel the DC's places but they don't know how much more & want me to agree to pay it.

OP posts:
Original poster
sam84uk · 21/03/2015 22:39

The parting line from the last text was:

"What is more important to you,your money or what u believe to be your children's safety???"

I can't give what I haven't got and can't agree to contribute a mystery sum of money to the cancellation! I'm pretty sure other texts are from her rather than him.

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