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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how the hell you deal with these types of people?

23 replies

Boobarellaumbrella · 19/03/2015 16:45

I have a couple of these types in my life at the moment that I can't avoid or cut out of my life, so how the heck do I deal with them? Both of them:

Pride themselves on saying it like it is and say very blunt and out of order things, yet take offence at the very slightest thing anyone else does and cannot stand getting the same treatment in return.

Both say that others are being oversensitive, hard work, or taking things out of proportion if the other person gets upset about their behaviour.

Both truly think the world revolves around them, and are genuinely shocked and very angry and tantrummy when someone refuses to do as they say, or doesn't agree with them. They also both think the world revolves around them in terms of things like being very late, and asking for constant favours.

Both of them are mums of friends of my 2 younger DCs, so I can't avoid them totally or totally cut them out, but I find their behaviour appalling and hate spending any time with them.

OP posts:

finnbarrcar · 19/03/2015 16:46

Then don't.

Original poster

Boobarellaumbrella · 19/03/2015 16:48

It's unavoidable though; playdates, parties, school pick up and collection, etc

OP posts:

finnbarrcar · 19/03/2015 16:48

It's not "unavoidable". Sure, you might see them at these things but you don't have to engage with them or get caught up in their drama.

butterfly2015 · 19/03/2015 16:50

How old are the kids? I'd cut contact with the mum's to the bare minimum and let the kids just get on with being friends.

In terms of being late, either tell them an hour earlier so they turn up on time or just simply not be there and when they ask why tell them you assumed they weren't coming as they hadn't turned up on time.

ouryve · 19/03/2015 16:51

The best thing to do with people like that is avoid sharing anything of yourself. Try to keep any interaction as businesslike as possible. Be guarded. Be assertive. Practice a disinterested, even disdainful "that's such a shame" for when you're on the receiving end of a mouthful.

kissmethere · 19/03/2015 16:53

Find other people to talk to and other things to do at pick up and parties. "Too busy" to do favours, dis engage and create a boundary. If they don't like it, oh well you won't miss them will you?

funnyossity · 19/03/2015 16:53

You avoid them. And don't do favours, they'll soon drop you!

Only1scoop · 19/03/2015 16:54

I see school mums at parties....pick up school stuff etc. I'd not get involved on this level though if you don't like being with them. Don't do favours don't ask for any and be bright and breezy but enjoy the distance!!

Original poster

Boobarellaumbrella · 19/03/2015 16:56

Both seem intent on being friends with me though. They're both quite hard to avoid as such. I saw one of them for 5 minutes this afternoon and in that time she said about 3 horrible, blunt things that wound me up.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 19/03/2015 16:57

There are lots of things you can do. It really comes down to what you are willing to do.

You can stop interacting with them.
You can challenge them when they behave in an unacceptable manner.
You can leave if they are late.
You can limit your contact with them to essential interactions regarding the children.
You can refuse to do favours for them.

You can do all these things and more. It all comes down to whether you are willing to deal with the inevitable tantrums. If you are, then fine, if you're not then really it's a case of putting up with their shit and counting down the days until the kids go to senior school and you never have to interact with any parent you don't like again.

The one thing that is not going to happen is they aren't going to have a sudden realisation that they're a shit and decide to change. Such people become and stay like this because nobody in their life tells them to pack it the fuck in and everyone carries on acting like their friend and pussyfoots around them.

Reasonable people cannot deal with unreasonable people as though they were reasonable people. You'll just get shat on.

finnbarrcar · 19/03/2015 16:58

They don't want to be "friends" with you. They want to use you. If you dislike them as much as you say, why would you concern yourself about offending them when they're so offensive to you?

Life's too short to care about this sort of nonsense. Ignore them.

finnbarrcar · 19/03/2015 16:58

Fenella..she speak de truth.

ragged · 19/03/2015 17:06

False smiles & cheery chitchat, sorry. They'll turn on you & your child with evil daggers if ever they learn you don't much like them. Not worth the stress.

Happy36 · 19/03/2015 17:14

Agree with Fenella and ragged.

Possibly engineer a few alternative playdate partners for your child too.

Original poster

Boobarellaumbrella · 19/03/2015 17:19

Won't they cotton on to me not liking them though if I don't do favours and don't make any plans with them? Or will they just move onto others??

OP posts:

Springtulip · 19/03/2015 17:19

Can you give us an example of what she said OP?

escondida · 19/03/2015 17:25

I reckon they'll move onto others. The worst outcome is they take a dislike to your child too, so for sake of general peace & fact you can't avoid them, keep it light.

kissmethere · 19/03/2015 17:56

Been there done that the cheery hello and sudden phone call I must take. Distance, works wonders.
Yes they will move on. When I start working again I missed out on all that shit! Best thing!

The80sweregreat · 19/03/2015 18:51

'spade a spade' people i call them.. Until anyone gives it back, then is all bitchiness and how dare they! Agree with kiss, keep it light, works calls, cheerio .. Try to avoid, if poss. Good luck..

miniavenger · 19/03/2015 19:09

"Sorry can't stop"
"Sorry I'm busy"

Be civil and polite but not friendly and engaging, if they start to be rude then just cut them off with one of the above- they'll soon get why.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2015 19:47

"Both seem intent on being friends with me though."
Oh, they're not looking for friends. They're looking for an entourage. Lackeys. Servants. Sidekicks. Forelock tuggers. Not friends.

"Both of them are mums of friends of my 2 younger DCs, so I can't avoid them totally or totally cut them out, but I find their behaviour appalling and hate spending any time with them."
I have always disapproved of parents insisting that their children be friends with the children of their friends. I similarly don't think your children can impose the parents of their friends on you . Just because you might be in the same location as these two women does NOT mean that you have to interact with them. At school pickup, be in a hurry. Or, if they try to engage you, interrupt with 'Oh, just have to go and ask X something' and scuttle off then make a break for the gates. And be too busy to do favours. And playdates. Hide behind other parents at parties, or drop and run.

TBH with this type it's usually worth just provoking them to a tantrum ASAP (saying 'no' usually does the trick) and getting it over with. It will happen eventually no matter what. Why prolong the pain?

ClaudetteWyms · 19/03/2015 20:05

YANBU to ask. I am watching with interest...

I have stopped engaging with someone very like this, every encounter I have with her leaves me feeling either upset or mildly pissed off, life is too short. So now I don't stop, I just wave a friendly hello and keep on moving.

Don't hang around at school to bump into them, or talk to other people. The downside is they may leave your DC out of things (as has happened to me), but in a few years who their DC play with won't be up to them anyway.

Try not to let them piss you off, rise above it if you can.

MummaV · 19/03/2015 22:22

I have a friend like this and previously I tended to take her with a massive pinch of salt as I saw her as part of a group so could distance myself from the drama. Since becoming pregnant she's become more and more offensive (being the only other mother in the group) with her thoughts and opinions so I'm avoiding her as much as possible. (quite easy when you aren't drinking or going out)

Best advice I can give is to either accept the fact that they are unreasonable selfish people or avoid them as much as possible.

Flip