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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To start resenting travel arrangements

17 replies

SevTSnape · 19/03/2015 13:00

Hi all, long time lurker, first time poster.

My dp and I moved to the other side of the country's few years ago as he had got a new job and I had been made redundant from mine anyway. It took me a while to find a job, but I eventually got one in the same part of the area that dp works (quite the distance in rush hour). I don't drive but he does, so the arrangement would be that he would drive as far as his office and I would walk the rest of the way. No problems. However, about six months in,he found a new job in a different part of the city. He said he'd still drive me to work as getting public transport is a nightmare here. He also promised i wouldn't have to get up any earlier as it was his "fault" he got the new job. Fast forward a year later a dim the one getting upearlier and he keeps saying "oh we need to leave five minutes earlier tomorrow, so you need to get up five minutes earlier. Bearing in mind I'm at work 2 hours before the start of my shift and one hour after my shift. At first it was no problem, and I used the time to get extra work done. But if feels like we have to leave earlier and earlier, and I just feel constantly tired. Not to mention the state of the house because I just can't be bothered, and he is the same. Yet he had the audacity to criticise how little I cooked last week, whilst there is a weeks worth of washing up waiting to be done. I do cooking and laundry, he's supposed to wash up and Hoover.. Although he only just about washes up. I've been trying to convince him we should move for ages, and literally only in the last couple of weeks has he actually agreed we should probably move. Other than this we have a good relationship and we have shared hobbies and generally I enjoy being in his company. I dunno, I guess I just felt like having a rant

OP posts:
googoodolly · 19/03/2015 13:03

Is it not possible to learn how to drive? I know it's expensive but it would be so much easier in the long run. Alternatively, is there no-one at work you could lift-share with, even part of the way?

The current set-up is ridiculous for everyone.

ShadowStone · 19/03/2015 13:11

The current arrangements sound very inconvenient for you, yes.

But presumably the house move - which your DP has now agreed to - will eliminate the need for him to give you a lift to work?

kewtogetin · 19/03/2015 13:11

He isn't responsible for getting you to work, you are, you're a grown up. There are other options, change job, car share, surely even using public transport would be better than spending 3 extra hours a day at work?
Why is there a weeks worth of washing up? That's just disgusting, it takes ten minutes a day to clean dishes. The whole set up/lifestyle just seems chaotic and dysfunctional.

SevTSnape · 19/03/2015 13:19

I tried to learn to drive and ended up writing a car offBlush
The house move will take a little while because we need to save a deposit.
There is lots of washing up because he never bothers Angry I could do it, but how would that be fair?
Public transport is so ridiculous I actually have to leave earlier than we do now to get to work on time.

OP posts:
kewtogetin · 19/03/2015 13:33

Then there really is no option but to find another job.

SallyMcgally · 19/03/2015 13:36

I don't think it's reasonable to be angry with your partner about when he drives you to work - it's very good of him to drive you to and from work.
YANB at all unreasonable to expect him to do the bloody washing-up. A week's worth of washing up would drive me mad - it must stink.

susiedaisy · 19/03/2015 13:40

How old are you? Could you not have another go at learning to drive. I would try to not be reliant on other people for transport, even if it takes a few years to pass your test.

shakemysilliesout · 19/03/2015 13:47

Being the only driver in a relationship is a real drain. I think you need to pay for taxi/ learn to drive/ get a new job.

SevTSnape · 19/03/2015 13:50

I will not be looking for a new job, it took me ten years to find one I love. However, I think you are alright that I am bu about dp giving me a lift, when really, let's be honest why should he?
I am constantly tired and it just bugs me occasionally that's all. You know, when you just know you're being totally unreasonable but you just want to rant anyway?
All I have to keep saying to myself is "its only a few more months and then we'll have a deposit and we can finally move" and I know that will come with its own set of challenges, but at least there will be progress. Thanks all for listening to my rant and telling me what I already knew but needed to hear.

OP posts:
googoodolly · 19/03/2015 13:58

WRT to driving, did you try learning manual? It might be a lot easier to learn automatic because you don't need to worry about the gear changes and some people find that to be the problem. Or could you not cycle to work?

I think you're lucky your DP is willing to take you to/from work and it's just unfortunate that the timings don't match. But if relying on public transport is even more unreliable, I think you need to suck it up until you can find another way to get to work.

notsolovely · 19/03/2015 13:59

It would take you over two hours to get to work on public transport? Yikes!

ImperialBlether · 19/03/2015 14:02

Why is she lucky that he gives her a lift? They are only there because of his job!

OP, can you go to a gym or for a swim rather than sitting around for three extra hours per day?

googoodolly · 19/03/2015 14:07

Because otherwise she'd have to leave even earlier and spend even longer travelling. And he goes out of his way to drop her there. I know DP (who can't drive for medical reasons) would consider himself lucky if I dropped him to work in the mornings. As it is, I don't because I start before him.

But it's not her DP's responsibility to drive her around, so she is lucky that he does so every day.

HerRoyalNotness · 19/03/2015 14:07

I really would look at trying to learn to drive again, and second the suggestion of an automatic. Less to stress about.

My cousin had an horrendous accident driving and didn't drive for quite a few years. She has managed to get past it and is back on the road. Don't let your crash put you off.

And I can believe taking the bus etc.. would take much longer. We used to live about 30min drive from work, if DH took the bus, it'd take him 1.5hrs to get there.

ImperialBlether · 19/03/2015 14:12

But is he putting himself out by taking her? In his original job he didn't even take her to work - he drove himself there and she walked from there on.

OP, why is his working day 3 hours longer than yours? Does he work fewer days?

SevTSnape · 19/03/2015 14:47

Imperial - I have started going to gym in evenings and once I get around to getting a swimsuit, I'll start swimming too. The gym also has wifi so if I don't feel like working out I do watch Netflix on my iPad Grin

He doesn't work longer than me (not officially anyway) but with rush hour it takes him an hour to get from my work to his and vice versa. And so he can get cheaper parking he had to be there by 8.30.

Like I say, I'm just having a moan cos I know that we will finally move later this year and I just want it to happen lol

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 19/03/2015 14:50

Could you not both go in later and you get public transport from his work to yours? Might that be an option at all. Or cycle? He may be crap at the washing up, but giving you lifts is adding 2 hours a day to his commute as well.

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