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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU partner and "Porn"

32 replies

UghReally · 19/03/2015 09:57

I've name changed for this, please work my SIL's use this!!
Anyhows, I borrowed DP's laptop today for work (With prior knowledge and consent,mines got a virus) When I typed "C" into google search a website came up. It had a name that was pretty obvious to be porn linked. I clicked on it and found that it was a webcam sex chat site. I'm not sure if these girls are being paid or if they're your average women on there for fun, if that makes a difference. between january- 12th of this month dp visited this website 268 times and has spoken to 53 different women (on the history it was saying "Chatting with Jane smith!" for every chat window he had open with someone) we do not have children yet but i am pregnant with our first(first trimester) we've always had an active sex life (At least once a day most days) this has not changed. We never have sex less than 5 times a week (Sorry for TMI just trying to give all background) I'm aware he has used porn before and does every so often on the rare occasion that im not in the mood or the verrrrrry rare times he works away, once every 2-3 months or so.
AIBU to be really upset?
In your opinion what is "this"? what I mean by that is, i'm on the fence, on one hand it seems alot more intimate than porn as he can talk to and interact with these women as opposed to just watching but on the other he hasn't physically done anything with them....

OP posts:
meowth · 19/03/2015 10:31

I would NOT worry about him talking to other women! I use porn sites and the certain site you're on about pops up. "you are not chatting to jane smith" "hi baby, how are you" "are you there" "are you there" "please talk" it's a Bot. It's not a real woman.
I have a healthy sex life with my DP, but when I am at work and he's in the house on his own, he will use porn. So will I when I'm on my own. if you have a healthy sex life (and use of porn without it becoming an addiction I think is healthy - masturbation is good for you!) then it shouldn't be a problem.
Anyway, these sites pop up every time you go into a new page. however, it may have been a game site he was on. Or a torrent site to get films from. My torrent site used to being up 50 pop-ups in 5 minutes.
I'd think it's nothing to worry about it you don't have any proof of payment, or screenshots.
Here's an idea, talk to him. I'd always talk to my DP if I was worried about something he'd done. (big talk the other day. Hate it.) communication and trust it what drives relationships. I say, no communication or trust? no relationship.

Original poster
UghReally · 19/03/2015 10:32

No, its not a pop up. Its websites he's logged into as he has his own username and it shows this. sorry should've mentioned that. I dunno if hes paying or not but we have separate accounts so i wouldnt know

OP posts:
canweseethebunnies · 19/03/2015 10:36

Whilst I get what you're saying about pop ups and bots meowth, surely if it came up in the search bar he has actively searched for it?

Maybe you should ask him OP.

Original poster
UghReally · 19/03/2015 10:38

canweseethebunnies there is no doubt in my mind that he has been on these sites.I may confront him when he finishes work but until then not entirely sure how to go about things or even if he has done something wrong tbh. thats why im asking on here

OP posts:
canweseethebunnies · 19/03/2015 10:39

Xpost

canweseethebunnies · 19/03/2015 10:40

Sorry, I meant ask if it a pop-up, but clearly it's not. No, I wouldn't be happy about that. Like you said, he's interacting with other women. Very upsetting.

meowth · 19/03/2015 10:41

urghreally I understand now! sorry. Why don't you try log in? if it's on google chrome or something, it will have the password saved if he's stupid enough to not clear his internet history although not saying he's not stupid for going on these sites in the first place

Sbear22 · 19/03/2015 10:42

This to me is totally unacceptable Sad yanbu

Original poster
UghReally · 19/03/2015 10:43

The username is saved but the password isn't, so I can't log in, i tried the password i know he normally uses (his laptop password) but won't work. He's terrible with computers to be fair, it took him 5 hours to work out his privacy settings on fb.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 19/03/2015 11:15

Well he won't have met any of the women, because those sites are for chatting and the women aren't 'real'. Well, the messages are sent by a mix of bots and human beings, but the human beings don't bear any resemblence to the photos, which are (generally) old glamour shoots bought in bulk by the chat company. 'Jane Smith' will consist of a set of photos and anything up to 100 'chat ops' working from home, getting paid per message and employed to string out the interaction with the client as long as possible without ever quite agreeing to a meet.
What he's doing is about fantasy more than infidelity, though it depends where you and he have agreed the boundaries about what is and is not acceptable.

PurpleSwift · 19/03/2015 11:20

This wouldn't be acceptable to me at all. It's worse than porn in my eyes as you actually interact with these woman. Is there any chance he's paying for this too?

He wouldn't be under my roof for a while!

miniavenger · 19/03/2015 11:35

I personally find webcaming different from porn: you are interacting with someone, often sharing a fantasy, saying what to do or being told. While it's a job to one, it's not to the other. It is cheating imo for that reason or at the very least a possible prelude to it. Porn itself and erotica I see as a fantasy, you're a voyeur I guess with your own fantasy in mind when using.

Webcamming would not be acceptable to me, porn would.

Maybe, additionally in my mind, is the fact that when a close friend's 'D'H was cheating (physically) we found webcam sites bookmarked dating back over a year (when she was pregnant), then dating sites only a few months later before he started 'hooking up' offline.

I don't see porn or erotica as a step towards cheating but I do see webcamming. Once you crave that interaction, it's very possible you'll start looking for it offline too.

I would speak to him OP. Perhaps he sees it as just a part of porn and doesn't see it as more then a fantasy but equally he could be wanting the interaction which then means he may well want it elsewhere. It would also be interesting to find out how he would feel about you webcamming with different men, if he would suddenly change his mind and class it as wrong when it's you doing it.

DH and I spoke about porn and set our own boundaries: porn is fine for both of us, neither wanted to webcam or wanted the other too. Might be time for a talk about it.

Skiptonlass · 19/03/2015 11:41

i think you need to have a talk with him. I Think porn per se wouldn't bother me, but interaction via chat or webcam certainly would.

Don't let this eat away at you - talk to him.

Also, chrome saves passwords in a certain place, Google it and you will see how to recover them.

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 05:06

I'm no good with knowing what to say or even confrontation I can't seem to get the words out. I said I needed to talk to him about something important and then started on about the fact that we need a new oven.
D:
He knows somethings up, definitely.

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 20/03/2015 05:54

Deal breaker for me.

I'd have no respect for a man like that who has so little respect for women.

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 11:19

He's gone to work now. still not said anything

OP posts:
DuchessofCuntbridge · 20/03/2015 13:49

My view on this is that watching other people have sex (ie watching porn that has been made previously) is pretty standard fare for most (though i appreciate not all) men (and many women) and to try and stop them doing it is always going to be a disaster. It's just passive voyeurism.

On the other hand, I think that actual interaction between two people (ie your DP and a woman who takes her kit off for money on a webcam) is pretty much cheating because the person watching the other is actively involved.

It's the active involvement that I wouldn't like.

miniavenger · 20/03/2015 18:12

Do you want to say something OP? Can you write down how you feel to help you?

Original poster
UghReally · 20/03/2015 18:17

DOC(Love the name) I want to make it clear that it is NOT porn that I have a problem with, he can watch porn all he likes its interacting with people i have a problem with, it seems alot worse to me!
miniavenger- I do want to say something but not sure how or what

OP posts:
Eebahgum · 20/03/2015 18:36

I think you just need to be frank with him. I saw this on your laptop, I feel a bit uncomfortable about it, can we talk about it?

AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 18:52

That would be a deal breaker for me

it's not porn, it's interaction and after reading may threads on the relationships board about men like this it is often a gateway to escalating to dodgier and dodgier activities

AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 18:52

many*

GingerLDN · 20/03/2015 18:54

I was ready to defend your husband because I absolutely see no problem with porn in the slightest and it amazes me how many people do. However this isn't porn and YANBU. I'd be pissed off at the interaction thing.

miniavenger · 20/03/2015 19:03

UghReally Is there anyone you can talk to about what to say and how to say it?

IvegotaCaveTroll · 25/03/2015 07:18

Did u speak to ur partner? I hope u r ok.