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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about what his ex is saying?

19 replies

Dontknownow1 · 19/03/2015 08:33

I've been seeing a really great guy for under a year. Things are going very well. He has DC with his ex. I actually think he is a very good father and for the most part, he and his ex co-parent fairly amicably, and will be flexible for one another unlike my EA ex.

Without going into detail, they had an argument over the DC and according to BF, his ex told him that if he didn't do what she was asking, he would stop him from seeing their DC and also tell me that he's been sleeping with her.

To give a bit of vackground, my STBXH cheated on me multiple times and I usually found out after months of rumours from people which I was always reluctant to believe. So this situation feels horribly familiar.

I do trust my bf but I don't know what to make of this. Is it possible She's just making it up? I find it hard to believe that anyone would be so vindictive. What would you think in these circumstances?

OP posts:

slw95xx · 19/03/2015 08:45

Before this did you trust him 100 percent? (Your answer chooses mine)

AnotherGirlsParadise · 19/03/2015 09:19

Believe me, exes CAN be this vindictive and worse. She sounds manipulative.

Appleflour · 19/03/2015 09:21

I'm glad your first instinct isn't simply to dismiss her. Yes, there are women (and men) out there who make up stuff like this but there are also many who are not making it up! Ultimately you have to decide if you trust him or not. I hope everything works out for you op x

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 19/03/2015 09:25

I'd remain openminded in this situation. There's a possibility that he's getting to you before she does, to cover his back.

Of course, people can be that vindictive. So it's equally possible she's a lying, horrible cow. If she's been amicable and reasonable up until now, though...?

Collaborate · 19/03/2015 09:27

To threaten to cut him off from his child is a nasty thing to do. I don't think you can trust her to tell the truth on that basis alone. slw95xx has the right approach.

ApocalypseThen · 19/03/2015 09:31

I'd look at the balance of probabilities. Most people aren't compulsively vindictive. However, if you read enough around here, you'll notice that many women can be quite gullible.

Note the threads where a women is being abused in some way by an obvious gobshite who just happens to have a senseless, crazy, vindictive ex. And despite how her relationship is progressing, she's still taking his word for his ex being an irrational loon without wondering at his motives and noticing a trend with the women he's involved with.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 19/03/2015 09:44

Ex's can be manipulative and nasty. Apparently I prevent mine from seeing the dc so I am a nasty piece of work but the truth is he has never tried, I wish he would see the dc at least that way I would get a break and it would be good for them to have him in their lives.

On being threatened like that most people would just shrug it off unless you knew that the person was nasty and vindictive enough to behave that way but you describe an amicable relationship between them which suggests she is actually a reasonable human being. I take it the ex hasn't directly said anything to you and this is all heresay from your bf.

UghReally · 19/03/2015 09:44

YANBU

musicmaiden · 19/03/2015 09:46

People definitely CAN be vindictive like that, but equally if she was really upset in the middle of a nasty argument, it could be a said-in-the-heat-of-the-moment type of thing. How did BF seem when he was relating it to you - did he seem genuinely upset? Was whatever she was asking him to do with the DCs reasonable or not?

In the absence of any more info, you probably just have to see how it pans out - keep your wits about you of course, but trust in your BF for now.

londonrach · 19/03/2015 09:47

Not sure. Has he given you reasons to believe shes telling the truth.

PatterofaMinion · 19/03/2015 09:54

In my experience it is very common for men to sleep with past partners, especially if they were married or together for a long time. It's almost seen as 'sanctioned infidelity' by some men - as though because the woman was there before you, it's fair game to sleep with them and not tell you. And even be quite defiant when you find out - like how dare you try and interfere with my relationship with someone I was with before I met you.

Or she could just be making it up. It depends on what he is like.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2015 10:17

"Without going into detail, they had an argument over the DC and according to BF, his ex told him that if he didn't do what she was asking, he would stop him from seeing their DC and also tell me that he's been sleeping with her."
Unless you witnessed this argument, everything you know about it has come to you via your BF. People rarely present themselves in a bad light.

Original poster

Dontknownow1 · 19/03/2015 10:38

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've not wanted to give too much detail because obviously I'm posting about other people and it seems a bit unfair. This is probably going to seem like massive drip feeding now so I apologise.

Before this, I would say I trusted him 100%, something which surprised me as I never thought I'd trust a man again after what my STBXH did (literally dozens of affairs and one night stands and those were just the ones I found out about). I didn't want to press the issue too much yesterday because he was very upset at what had happened, but the truth is, this has introduced an element of doubt. This is what I'm most upset about as I promised myself that I would never stay in a relationship where I couldn't trust the person. I know from experience how much I would end up torturing myself. Now I'm in this position, I'm torn between thinking no sane person would be so nasty and thinking that I don't want to throw away a very happy relationship based on hearsay. This just feels a little too close to home for my liking.

I have posted about his ex before. When we first met, he was constantly cancelling our plans because his ex would click her fingers and swap and change their contact arrangements, usually so she could go out. He seemed to have trouble saying no to her. This changed when we started to discuss the future and the possibility of having DC together and I was honest and told him I couldn't see myself doing that given the current fluid arrangements with his ex. At that point he became more firm about them sticking to their agreed contact but I don't think she liked it much.

It's hard sometimes because being a SP myself, I often find myself sympathising with her position. In these instances, I will tell my bf my take on it and to his credit, he will usually listen. She has made some IMO, odd demands of me which after consideration, I said no to.

This latest argument, I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. The ex basically said she was feeling very stressed and asked BF to have the DC at very short notice. Genuinely, it would have been very difficult for him to accommodate this but he did offer two alternatives to her suggestion which according to him, she didn't like. It was then that she made the threats. She hasn't actually tried to contact me afaik.

BF seemed very upset about what had gone on. Up until now, he's never said a bad word about her so in my mind, this seems out of character but then I don't really know her, just the small snippets of info that BF has told me including why they separated etc.

When we talked about what had gone on, he used the line 'I wouldn't have told you if it was true' and 'why would would I ruin what we have together' but this sounded like the classic cheaters script to me (of which I'm well versed) and made me twitch even more. He also revealed that she made a similar threat when he was with his last GF before me which I hadn't known.

I just don't know what to think. I don't want to be taken for a mug but if indeed she has just said it to get back at him, I can't believe anyone would be that nasty, even to someone they're cross with and I'm upset that she's apparently thrown this spanner in the works. It feels like a lot of drama and I don't know if I can be bothered with it. I do love him very much though, and apart from this, he been a very good BF and seems like an honest genuine man.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2015 11:46

IMO, there are two possibilities to be considered:

It's true
It's a lie

If it's true and he's been unfaithful, what does that mean for your relationship?

If it's a lie, and she is that nasty and will be that nasty in the future (and she will be the mother of his children FOREVER), what does that mean for your relationship?

Fauxlivia · 19/03/2015 17:17

I would trust him at this point because you a) had no doubts prior to this. Given your previous experience I would think you are more aware than many women about shady behaviour and if you weren't getting niggles about him then chances are he hasn't been doing anything wrong b) why would you trust the word of an exwife, who you don't know and who owes you nothing and who maybe has a vested interest in shit stirring, rather than the man you do know and love?

By all means take the relationship slowly and see how things pan out and if he gives you reasons to be uneasy, but don't make judgements about him based on the word of an ex with her own agenda.

Seems to me he has stopped dancing to her tune since he's met you ( which does indicate an investment in his relationship with you) and now she wants to punish him.

BathtimeFunkster · 19/03/2015 17:27

It all sounds very complicated and stressful.

You haven't been together that long...

Do you really want to be in a relationship with a "crazy ex" hanging around?

KaffeOgKage · 19/03/2015 17:30

I think it's probably very complicated and what seems like one small thing to you represents another boundary eroded away at for her (your bf's xw).

Original poster

Dontknownow1 · 19/03/2015 18:54

Well, it turns out she wasn't stressed/ill like she made out, she had wanted to go out. Apparently she's apologised.

Thanks everyone for the input, I feel reassured that it's very unlikely that anything has gone on whilst I've been with him. We had a talk about my concerns and he was very understanding. I feel for him as I think he's quite shocked by her behaviour. I think he's put a lot of effort into being amicable for their DC's sake and understandably feels like it's been thrown back in his face. I hope for everyone's sake, this is the last time anything like this happens.

I can also understand where people are coming from on the unnecessary drama front. The thing is, my ex has at times been very difficult and I would be bery upset (although unsurprised) if my BF chose not to continue our relationship based on his behaviour alone. Unfortunately I made bad decisions when it came to being with my ex but his behaviour is out of my control. So I guess I'm willing to be understanding about this. After all, it's not his fault that she's behaving like this.

OP posts:

Fauxlivia · 19/03/2015 20:41

Glad things seem to be sorted

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