... to think SEN should be explained to the children ?

[tulipgrower]

My son is in 1st grade, 6/7 year olds. (We're outside of the UK.) We live in a small village with a small school. His class only has 15 pupils.

One child clearly has some special needs, but this has never been acknowledged or explained to the other children. This child has been extremely violent , to the other children and the teacher, he hides under the table for extended periods of time, runs away from school, he has problems following instructions, has problems waiting. Gets extremely agitated and abusive if his friend is not with him all the time.

His mother has told me he has sensory awareness issues and said he can't judge his own strength, which is why other children get hurt so badly, e.g. he is just "playing" when he pokes kids with pencils, but because he can't judge his strength he draws blood and bruises them.

The other children don't understand why he can behave so badly without any repercussions. They have a traffic light system for behaviour and children end up on red for talking repeatedly too much, and this child ends up on red for thumping another child unprovoked from behind and continuing until being physically removed. Several children have ended up on red for defending themselves from attacks. They have no faith in the teacher or their parents to protect them. They feel unfairly treated.

The teacher has very recently been applying some new methods to help this boy cope better at school and I think it's working. This boys outbursts have reduced. But the children are frustrated that if this boy has an outburst he is "rewarded" with a "fun" activity. They all feel unfairly treated and dislike this boy more. So the poor kid is ostracised.

AIBU to think it would be helpful for all to explain to the children that this boy has SEN, help them learn to be more tolerant and perhaps give them some strategies so that they can learn to help this boy cope at school?

(Parents don't want him "labelled". They especially moved him to this school away from their own village due to the grief they got from other parents while he was in kindergarten. I think the mother is still partly in denial, she often rolls out the "boys will be boys" line. She's very nice, but I think she's overwhelmed.)

(No TA's, SENCO or similar here. The teacher is on her own most of the time.)

What is the culture where you are like, generally with regard to behavioural disabilities?

I think often with things like that children don't need it pointing out to them who is "different" especially if it is extreme. I agree that school should be helping the children with ways to work with this little boy as much as they can and help them understand him.

In general the important thing is to have a classroom where individual differences are respected (whilst ensuring that the needs of each child is met at the same time)

In Germany. Would consider this country well behind the UK with regard to dealing with SEN. Children with SEN are usually in separate schools. Some schools now offer inclusive classes with NT and children with SEN. Our school does not do this, but I think both the kids and parents could cope with this situation with a little more information and some constructive advice.

I'd certainly talk to your own child. Sensory processing disorder can be looked up online so you can explain it more but I doubt it's just that affecting this child.

I'd personally talk to the mum and ask her to explain to you so you can explain to your child. That way he will understand. Certainly the bloody teacher is way out of her depth and it sounds chaotic in class. This child needs a one to one.

We know lots of families with disabled children because I started volunteering with a charity and now my dh and both my dc do too. My youngest is 9 (was 7 when first confronted with a full on melt down) and they are so understanding and accepting, really do make allowances for these kids. My 9 year old can be horrible but around kids with sen I see a very gentle nurturing side to her.

This mum might well still feel that the diagnosis is a mistake or that he will get better, which is normal but it sounds like she needs some friends and that if she's more open about her child it will be easier for the other kids to understand.

Children naturally adjust. They just know...even from age 4. I have a number of friends with children who have some special needs and my DC have always adjusted. If they ask questions then it's my job or the parents of the child's job to explain things.

For instance....they know my friend's son H is autistic but they didn't a year or two ago...they questioned me about his behaviour and I explained that he thinks and feels differently to them and some things which would not bother them will bother him terribly. They understand.

I think you can only deal with your child's understanding. I suppose they don't want to stigmatise the boy with problems.

In my daughters class (she is 4) there is a boy who has down syndrome, he can't talk and has only just began to walk- he is obviously different to the other children and it is noticeable. I have explained that he is a big boy and he is 5 (she considered him a baby) then I explained about how the brain works and that everybody's brain works differently. I explained to her that this boy was still learning how to walk and how to play nicely but she could be a kind friend by doing x, y and z and suggested some games they could play together (instruments etc). I explained about how there were some things that her friends could do that she couldn't so yet because she was also just still learning. All very simple but I do think conversations need to be had. My daughters school are great at explaining in a child friendly way why this child sometimes acts different (not sitting on carpet for story etc) and now she is much more accepting. Sadly to begin with she didn't want to be his friend because he was a baby :-( she is fine now though! So I don't think YABU to think it should be explained to children at all.

Sounds to me like more 1:1 support for the child should be provided along with extra training for the teacher. It must be really distressing for the child and all involved!

Unfortunately I don't know the mother well, but will speak to her at the next school event. She may be afraid that an official diagnosis would mean he would have to go to a school which offers official inclusion. I think she would prefer he is just a "naughty" boy at our school.

The kids are unfortunately not getting it. I know of at least one recent incident where another child intentionally tripped up this boy to get revenge for all the thumps and bruises. This other child is fairly quiet and was distraught when he got home that it had happened. He was so frustrated, said he finally wanted to deserve being on red.

I have been talking to my son about visible and invisible issues, but intentionally didn't use this child as an example. It hasn't clicked yet. My son just sees him as very naughty and getting away with it.

Can anyone recommend any kids story books to help broach the topic?

In kindergarten (only 1 kindergarten in the village, so 11 of the current class) there is a child with diabetes, who requires an insulin pump. This was explained to the children, what it is, how it's treated and the impact on this child and his surroundings and they were told what kind of signs to look out for if something was amiss.

They all banded around this child. All accepted that sometimes he can't play, he can never, ever play roughly, and all accepted that if something was wrong with the blood sugar levels that everything else would have to wait.

These kids are very sweet and intelligen, but I think they need this spelled out to them to be able to behave appropriately.