to not want to repeat everything DP says?

8 replies

AlmondAmy · 17/03/2015 23:39

DP has little/no authority in our house. The children do not listen to him one bit and while I'm happy to back him up, I think he needs to learn how to get the children to listen to him without me stepping in. For example, yesterday he asked DD (7) to carry her lunch bag, holding it out. She ignored him, made silly excuses etc. He repeated himself 4/5 times then gave up and continued to carry it.

I took the bag, held it out to DD and she took it without a word. DP later said I should've reprimanded her for not listening to him but I think I shouldn't always have to be the bad guy and that he needs to work out how to get them to listen to him. AIBU?

OP posts:

Sheitgeist · 17/03/2015 23:43

Assuming your DP is your DC's father then no, YANBU.
He needs to learn to have have authority himself. It's certainly not fair to expect you to do all the telling off!

catzpyjamas · 17/03/2015 23:46

I think the key statement you made is that he gave up. Would you have given in? He needs to follow through on his request and on any discipline he starts. And you need to let him get on with it. What would have happened if he put the lunchbox down and you hadn't got involved?

FriedSprout · 17/03/2015 23:49

How about asking him to read this? it has some very good reviews Book

Tobeemoree · 17/03/2015 23:50

No, YANBU. We have the same situation here, FWIW. I'm not entirely sure how to help resolve it, but I'm very aware that 7yr old DD seems to be playing DH far more than she does me. Unfortunately, he's not, and is getting very stressed at the constant pushing from her. It's difficult to offer advice/pointers/anything useful that doesn't play on his anxiety & stress. As a result I'm the default Bad Parent and that too is wearing.

I'm not his keeper, and neither are you to your DP. There are times where a swift sharp comment with a raised eyebrow in response to the pushing is by far the best response, but there will always be a parent who is the 'good one'.

I'd probably start by saying that if he's not happy with a situation, then he's the one that needs to deal with it. You're her parent, not his.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/03/2015 23:56

He needs to earn his DCs respect back. He gives in. Thats why they dont listen. He needs to start standing firm. Maybe you could give him some pointers?

Wrt to the lunchbag, if my DD refused to listen to her dad id tell her "listen to your dad" in a firm voice. So she is doing what he has asked, but with your authority.

RocketInMyPocket · 18/03/2015 00:01

Well, DD knew he would give up eventually if she ignored him enough, and he did.
I'd say that you are NBU for saying he needs to assert himself more, and not rely on you for 'back up'.That must be very stressful and make you feel quite resentful.
But you are also being slightly U to say 'he needs to work it out', as it's obviously something he's struggling with, and you could perhaps work on strategies together and come up with an 'action plan' for him to carry out (alone!) in future, that way you're coming at it from a 'united' perspective, rather than you resenting him for making you the bad guy, and him resenting you for not backing him up.
The last thing you want is for this issue to cause animosity between the two of you, much better I think to work together to achieve desired effect (Him being more assertive, you then not having to back him up, and everyone's a winner)
Except DD who will then have to carry her own bag lol

BlueBananas · 18/03/2015 00:06

We have the opposite problem around here, DC listen to their Dad much more than me and I have resorted to asking him to "tell them" before now which as a parent is humiliating!
The one thing I would suggest against is saying "listen to your Dad" DP used to say this about me and tbh I think it just reinforces the thinking of 'we don't have to listen to Dad...unless Mum tells us to, because we only listen to Mum'
I would let him punish them for not listening (he really needs to do this rather than give in) and if/when they complain to you about their punishment you say "well you should listen to your father shouldn't you" (or something to that effect) I think this would send a stronger message; that you and their Dad are a team and working together and that they must listen to and respect you both

SugarOnTop · 18/03/2015 00:52

sounds like your dd is a disrespectful little madam and needs to learn some manners......and it wouldn't actually hurt you to step up and show a united front. i bet you'd have something to say if he disciplined her and your dd turned on the waterworks

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