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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sending card to SIL BF

50 replies

Tellhimyournamepike · 16/03/2015 15:29

AIBU? MIL has told me to send SILs Boyfriend a bday card as "SIL is keen to make him feel part of the family" he's about to be 46 and they've been going out just over a year.
I think it's a bit OTT for us to be sending him a card, he's not going to be 4 FFS. AIBU? Also, blokes don't really care about bday cards do they??
I will send said card so as not be be miserable or churlish but really?
(Have met him about 3/4 times-including Xmas at MIL) x

OP posts:

DeeWe · 16/03/2015 18:31

Our families don't tend to send other halves birthday cards. Actually one of dh's brothers doesn't tend to send anyone birthday cards, but that another story.

I'm not sure that doing it will make much difference to how he feels within the family if he's only seen you 3 or 4 times, but never mind.

I probably would have if mil asked, but it would irritate if they didn't send me one.

The deskchair thing is weird though. Is she hinting that he ought to want children, or trying to imply he's more important to your dd than he is?
But sometimes people do strange things. The letter my dp sent out about dsis' first baby they put a photo of db on it holding said baby titled "

ohmychrist · 16/03/2015 18:34

Stop putting a kiss at the end of every message, OP! AGH!

DeeWe · 16/03/2015 18:38

Just to claify: It would irritate me to be asked to do one if they didn't send me one.
If they sent me one (I was first IL) then I probably would have sent them one, and I'd probabyl start sending your bil one after a year if it looked long term.

I really don't mind that they don't send me one at all though.

EponasWildDaughter · 16/03/2015 18:49

I know you said 'he wasn't there' at the time, OP, and it's been said and done with already, but really - why isn't your DH doing it?

You to DH - ''Love - y'mum says she wants your sisters boyfriend to get a card from us this year, OK?''. (subtext: you can sort that one)

would be the outcome here.

BeeRayKay · 16/03/2015 18:52

It will cost like £1.50 to send a card, whats the issue?!

Teawaster · 16/03/2015 19:09

YANBU. However we don't do many birthday cards in our families apart from children to parents and vice versa . I have never had or sent any from/to BIL/SIL , never mind their partners. I think it's odd to be told what to do

mommy2ash · 16/03/2015 19:12

i would feel odd sending a birthday card to someone i had only met a few times.

Original poster

Tellhimyournamepike · 16/03/2015 19:14

Just curious whether anyone else would send a card to someone they dont know well/aren't close to etc, and also I think it's really more that SIL wants her BF to receive cards "to make him feel part of the family" (quote from MIL who told me it was his bday coming up) rather than said chap hoping for cards.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tellhimyournamepike · 16/03/2015 19:25

Eponas - yes, I should have done that, good point, but he would forget/too busy, so it probably wouldn't happen.

OP posts:

EponasWildDaughter · 16/03/2015 19:27

Hmm, is SIL really the one behind this? Or is MIL the type to be pushing for her daughter to get hitched to this one? Hence wanting to 'make him feel part of the family'.

I know i sound cynical but my own mother has a history of pretending other people have said stuff to suit her own agenda. She's been caught out at it quite often in the last few years.

Thinking about it we don't send cards to siblings boy/girlfriends until they've been around for a couple of years or got married to the sibling. I'd find it odd to be asked to.

Original poster

Tellhimyournamepike · 16/03/2015 19:28

Bee Ray-me posting at 1852 was meant to be in reply to you
(I'm new on here so not quite sure how to "tag" a reply back at someone) sorry

OP posts:

maddening · 16/03/2015 19:32

Tell her to speak to her son about arranging cards for her family imo

Original poster

Tellhimyournamepike · 16/03/2015 19:38

Hit the nail on the head there Eponas!
I don't think MIL makes things up though-but I do think they want him to stick around

OP posts:

cryMeASliverOfPie · 16/03/2015 19:46

I don't think it's odd or unusual to send a card in this scenario. We always give a card (in person not posted though) to sil's boyfriend. I do think it's weird that your mil has asked you and not her son. I'd direct her to him in future.

Also, actually yes, some men do care about getting cards. As do some women. And some men and women don't. People are all different.

Pyjamasandwine · 16/03/2015 19:47

Ha op mumsnet parallel universe where all men remember and send cards to their side of the family and no self respecting wife would dream of doing it for them as it's against the sisterhood.

Send him the card to
Please mil/sil and see if this one gets away despite the welcome to the family.

EponasWildDaughter · 16/03/2015 20:08

Oh to be sure pyjamas my DH IS awful at remembering to send cards to his side of the family and i often buy them and, once he's written them, post them for him too.

However - i do that for his sake and theirs, and i wouldn't expect his mother anyone to actually ask me to do it for him. And if they did i would refer it to him, as i said.

He is always very grateful for any help sorting his family cards.

Original poster

Tellhimyournamepike · 16/03/2015 20:36

Thanks everyone! Lol at "against the sisterhood"
Maybe MIL asked me as I'm such a fab DIL snorts with laughter!

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/03/2015 22:02

I would send a card so someone I had only met a couple of times, Tellhimyournamepike - it is just a few words on a bit of pretty card - I would just do it and move on.

Buttercupsandaisies · 16/03/2015 22:06

I find it odd you wouldn't send a card anyway tbh? I'd have sent one a month after them dating! Surely it's just polite to send a birthday card to someone connected to the family?

Buttercupsandaisies · 16/03/2015 22:09

I agree with pp too, it may not be from your mil. my db is crap at cards and yes it bothers my dh but equally I'm embarrassed that my family is so lazy about stuff like that when dh family never miss mine.

Waitingonasunnyday · 16/03/2015 22:17

Get a card with a pic of a tree and write all the family's names on different branches. Maybe a nest with SIL and fella as love birds.

Or a fishing boat, with his name on, and MIL on board 'ooh what a catch!'

Original poster

Tellhimyournamepike · 16/03/2015 23:03

^lol! I like that! (Alas have written generic card now!)
Buttercups, last year we (me, hubby,) had only just heard about him, let alone met him.

OP posts:

Collaborate · 16/03/2015 23:49

YANBU. Are they living together? If so I might send him one. If not, I wouldn't add him to the list of stuff to remember.

The question you'd need to ask yourself is whether or not you'd still send him a card if he and SIL split up. If not, don't send one. If you would, then send it.

myron · 17/03/2015 07:32

YANBU! I would not like being told what to do at all by anyone. DH's family is crap at sending cards, let alone presents for the DC so to be told to send a card to a relative stranger would get my goat but that's me!

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 17/03/2015 17:09

Do sends all cards, even for my side. I buy cards for Christmas, dh does/does not send them to family and neighbours.

Years ago we did separate family cards and presents. I would refer Mil to her ds to sort out this kind of thing.

I'm not arsed about receiving cards. A birthday text or whatsapp will do. I can't imagine a 46 year old giving zero craps about a bday card mandated by his adult gf's mum.

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