To be a little annoyed with BF's disorganised visitation?

[Honeybadger83]

I am in a long-distance relationship with a lovely man who lives about 60 miles away. We have been together around six months, have recently done the meeting-the-kids thing. We would now like to settle into seeing each other regularly, if not as frequently as we would both like.
He is a very involved father, which I love about him, and he sees his children a lot throughout the week. They have a very 'fluid' arrangement regarding access over the weekend, which is very patchy (random hours in the middle of the day) and frequently left till the last minute. There have been several occasions when "a few hours" with the girls has turned into a whole day, with no warning. Franky, she takes advantage of him, as she is not nearly as flexible as she expects him to be.
My ex and I have a regular 24h weekend visit in place for my DS, which means that it falls to me to do the travelling a disproportionate (3:1) amount of the time.
I understand that his children will always come first, and I am happy to fit in around his commitments, but I'm starting to feel a little taken advantage of. We see each other rarely enough that when he asks me drive down yet again, I don't want to say no, especially not just on a point of principle. But I can't really afford the petrol, and my friends are starting to make disapproving 'why should you do all the running?' noises.
To be clear, I don't want to reduce his time with his daughters, just get something a little more structured set up, so we can make plans around it. Is that too much to ask?

I don't think you should be meddling in his contact if he's happy with it. You've not been with him that long. Can't you ask him to contribute money for petrol if it's not the actual driving that bothers you?

Nope I think you should keep out for now. If you can't drive down for whatever reason just say no. Don't feel you have to run just because he is free, if its impacting you negatively. Surely he will understand if you have to say no to a short notice invitation. I don't think you have been together long enough to start asking him to change the arrangement. Even if you do think she takes advantage of him. You knew he had kids and the arrangement when you met. Ig he is hapo

Don't know what happened there. I was saying ....if he is happy to continue with the current arrangement you can only change how you react to the situation.

I don't want to reduce his time with his daughters, just get something a little more structured set up, so we can make plans around it. Is that too much to ask?

Not if he feels the same, but if he has always been happy to be on hand to see his daughters whenever the opportunity presents itself, then I can understand not wanting to change that on the basis of a brand new relationship. Would more structured access be in the daughters' best interests? They don't seem to feature in your reasoning.

If you can't afford it you can't afford it. It would be unreasonable of him to expect you to make trips you can't afford. Speak to him and tell him you can't afford the petrol and see what he says.

Does she "take advantage" or is he just being a flexible father? Structured works for you and your ex and child, maybe that's nit how he wants it and at 6 months in I don't think it's your place to start moaning about it.

Ime as things become more serious you may find that a bit more structure starts occurring naturally as you and he become more serious. If it doesn't and he doesn't show any inclination to change it then you will have to reconsider the relationship.

I had a slightly similar situation when I first met my DH. They had set days, but the ex would chop and change to suit herself. He was too scared to challenge her as he was terrified of losing his son. He had no funds to go back to court and she had a rich father who would stump up whatever she needed. Eventually I persuaded him to say no to last minute changes, and that his 9yr old son would be so devastated to lose him that even his ex wouldn't be so cruel. It did work to a large extent.

Of course I wouldn't ask him to do anything that wasn't in his daughters' best interests, as I said; the children will always come first. However, the contact isn't based on their requirements as much as their mum's.
Honeyroar; I think there's definitely an element of that, he doesn't feel like he can say no to his ex because he'd be accused of letting the girls down.

As someone who does not have their own children but who’s DP does I can sympathize but would say yes, that is too much to ask.

My DP has quite a fluid arrangement too, although his ex is flexible too and he lives close by so it’s a bit different. She also accepts that if she asks last minute then he may already have plans.

I think that if you go out with someone with children you have to accept whatever arrangements they have in place and if you can’t then you need to find someone who doesn't have that responsibility.

However, the contact isn't based on their requirements as much as their mum's.

That may be the case but I would argue that even contact which is ostensibly organised in the best interests of the mother is more likely to benefit the children that contact organised to accommodate the requirements of the father's girlfriend.

he doesn't feel like he can say no to his ex because he'd be accused of letting the girls down

But if structuring contact would reduce the frequency with which he was able to see them then it would be in many ways.

You haven't said how he feels about introducing a more regulated contact schedule - is he keen?

DoJo; I already said I would be happy to fit in around his commitments. I already said I did not want to in any way reduce his time with the girls.
I don't know why you're assuming I'm so selfish, or that I expect them to fit in around me.
All I'm after is a bit of notice so that we can make plans.

I haven't discussed this directly with him (I wanted to check if I was being unreasonable first, that's why I'm here) but he has previously expressed frustration in this regard, and been apologetic about not being the one to travel.

I'm not trying to suggest that you are selfish, and apologies if it is coming across that way, but the way you describe the contact sounds as though the flexibility that they currently allows him to see more of them than he might if there was a more scheduled arrangement. If that's not the case, then I don't see why changing it would make him fee like he is 'letting the girls down', but if I have misunderstood that part of your post then, again, I apologise.

However I do still think that if the current system allows the girls' mother to have more flexibility in her life, then requesting a change which is mostly for your benefit will probably not go down well, and I don't think she would be unreasonable to refuse to accommodate a request which stems from a desire for you to have more time with your boyfriend.

I do understand that it must be frustrating for you not to be able to make firm plans, but it also sounds as though this arrangement was working for everyone concerned until you and your boyfriend embarked on your relationship. Your relationship is relatively new, so trying to change things to be more on your terms at this stage could cause resentment on the part of his ex and their children. I don't think you're unreasonable to want more structure in your life, but not at the expense of a system that is working for the other four people involved.

I'd be incredibly wary of getting involved in their arrangements. Ultimately his responsibility is towards his kids and part of that is maintaining a decent relationship with his ex. If he's frustrated with the set up, thats his battle to fight and starting that battle in order to spend time with you is going to cause added bad feeling.

I agree, it's a pain for you, but I'd be questioning whether I wanted to continue in a situation which is already causing problems for you - it may never change.

I made a fairly controversial decision (as my friends see it) to absolutely not get involved with a man with young children for this exact reason. I have a very structured set up with my ex which allows us both time with the kids at weekends and weeknights and equally time off. I don't want to muddle that up with someone elses arrangements, which should be based on whats good for that family, not me.

I can understand how shit this must be for you though.