To question how he spends his money?

[animallover27]

Normally I would never pass comment/ judgment on what DH does with his own money but this has been eating away at me. We have been married for 3 years and 1 DD. DH is very close to his DM and we all get on very well. DH and I have joint account for family finances. We are comfortable but just about, will save up for a holiday. Just saying this so you get an idea of our position. DH spends so much money on MIL. Pays for holidays, gives cash and loads of extras, picks up bill for her monthly magazine subscriptions etc. this gets to me and I don't know if it should. He isn't tight with us at her expense but I can't help thinking we should be priority and her lifestyle is more lavish than ours from what I can tell! I think I resent that she accepts so much. She lives far away so we don't see her often and don't know if it's something to do with that, guilt on his part? But my parents live in Wales (2 hours from us) and would be happy with small gestures on special occasions, not expect really expensive gifts. is this none of my business, AIBU?

That's very unusual. Does she not have much money otherwise? It is your business because it's your family money, you both should decide how it's spent.

Well, I paid my mother's mortgage for several years so that she could retire and look after my brother's kids. He paid an amount for the first couple of years as well. But I carried on until the house was sold...but then again I was on a large wage at the time.

It depends. Unclear what you mean by joint account- does all the money go into 1 account or do you both have 1 and then a joint account

If you both have the same amount of money left to spend as you please then it is up to him how he spends it. But as an example if you earn £3000 and he earns £3500 and you both put £1500 into a joint account leaving him with more then no it isn't fair.

If you chose to have separate money (and I think this is bonkers for married people with children) then you should both have the same amount each month to spend as you wish- how he spends his is up to him

If you have totally joint money then you need to discuss it and say how you jointly agree to spend the money.

Is there some bigger issue with mil - was it expected for your Dh to care for her growing up? Does he feel guilty about being so far away?

If you both have same spending money and he chooses to spend his on his mum then that's his choice really.

It does sound a bit odd. Firstly that he does this and secondly that she accepts it. Does she have a low income? I don't think I would be particularly happy with this either. I just can't imagine my parents (or DH's) taking money and large gifts off us when we have a young family to support.

Do you have equal spending money? If so and he chooses to spend his on his mum then I'd say fair enough (although I'd find it a bit strange). If you have less spending money because he's spending money on his mum then that's not on at all.

Thanks all. Yes we have equal spending money left over and this is how he chooses to spend it, and yes he was expected to look after her when he was younger. I'm starting to think IABU and just leave them to get on with it

Looking on the bright side, look what he is demonstrating to your DC! You could be looking forward to being looked after by them when you are older.

I still don't think YABU necessarily. Yes it's money to choose to spend how he likes, but I still find it odd that he chooses to spend it on himself rather than his children, for example. But think it's odder still that she accepts it. We will often take our parents for lunch or buy them a little gift but they have enough money to live comfortably themselves and wouldn't allow us to pay for holidays/magazine subscriptions for them (if we could afford it, which we can't!)

Actually, this doesn't seem odd to me - but I come from a help-each-other-out family.

Before you had DCs your DH was used to spending his money as he wanted. Now you have DCs that portion that he's free to decide on will shrink. But he should still be free to spend spare cash on his mum. Respect it as you would a hobby.

Do you work? I ask because I'm wondering about your choices/disposable income.

If you both have equal spending money after joint household responsibilities, then it is up to him how he spends it. What do you spend yours on? How would you feel if he was resentful of how you chose to spend it? He isn't gambling or drinking, but actually modelling some thoughtful behaviour to your children. It would only be a problem I think if your income reduced and he was still spending on his mother and depriving you and your children. But that isn't the case, is it?

I'm torn on this one.

If shes hard up and its not reducing what would have personal money, or what is spent on your own children and family life, then its fine. I would pick up food bills and the odd cheap break for my parents if they were suffering financially. I would do the same for my inlaws, even if we had to cut back a little.

Im assuming that the joint finance part of your set up includes saving for holiday, stuff for your child, purchases for the house, food with the usual mortgage and bills. Otherwise its not as simple as him spending his money on what he wants, if you're buying curtains, frying pans and a coat for your child.

if he can afford to buy hoidays etc for his mum out of his share of whats really left over then thats a good income. I would be suggesting tha you both put x amount into a long term savings plan. He would still have money left for his mum.

To be honest I think my answers are coloured by the fact that we don't have any spare money (after rent and bills are paid there's no disposable income left for savings/treats) yet my parents and IL's have plenty. If the situation was reversed and DH spent his disposable income on his parents (and I had equal disposable income) then I would be fine with it.

I don't know of YABU or not. What I do think is that you need to discuss this with your husband, and the reason I think that is because you posted "yes he was expected to look after her when he was younger".

Who had these expectations? His mum? The wider family? Just him or him and siblings? At what age did these expectations start to be felt? In adulthood? Childhood? Because his reasons for his behaviour could vary so widely. From a gratitude towards his mother for giving him a lovely childhood, to being 'groomed' into subservience by selfish adults to see their wishes as trumping his. And everything inbetween.

You also posted "She lives far away" - how far? Further away than your parents?

If it's eating away at you, I think you need to resolve that by having a conversation and LISTENING to what he says on the matter. This may either reassure you that all is well with him, or point you towards what support from you would be appropriate.

I think its lovely :) maybe barking up the wrong tree but is it a cultural thing? Ime asian men and italians actually spend alot on their mothers

I pay my mothers mobile phone and ipad. She is a very wealthy person. The reason is her lacking ICT skills- I sorted them out a few years ago and added them onto the family accounts. It is only £20 a month but I had never even thought of it until now. Again one of my my BIL pays the broadband of their 3 home owning parents because they couldnt get it set up.

I think sometimes with wealthy parents they dont think to offer as it isnt a big deal to them.

From what you have posted, Neither you or the children are going without, you have an equal amount to spend.

If its his money YABU
If its family money YANBU

Seems to me that you need to figure out whose money it is. Its either his spending money or its not.

(awaits back story full of FOG, etc.)