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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be feeling hurt by this

14 replies

adventuretime11 · 15/03/2015 00:18

I belong to a big family. I have 4 sisters and 2 brothers. I am the youngest and the eldest is 16 years older than me. Both our parents died in the last 5 years. Tonight I was on the phone snd we were chatting about me being a change of life baby. I was born 5 years after my brother.
eldest sibling than said mum had serious post nstsl depression after my brothers birth and really didn't want to risk having another child and would do anything to prevent it. (assuming abortion etc)
Well thankfully I wasn't aborted but aibu to think this was a seriously inappropriate thing to say.
Obviously I know my mum loved me once I arrived but I can't help feeling hurt by her comments.
Aibu or over sensitive

OP posts:
goodnessgraciousgouda · 15/03/2015 00:21

I think it depends on context. If she was just being open about an aspect of your mother that you had no idea about, then you are being oversensitive.

I could only,really see this being,cruel if you had a bad or strained relationship with your mother, or if your sibling said it with spite or bitterness.

adventuretime11 · 15/03/2015 00:28

I absolutely knew nothing about her post natal depression.

I hope she wasn't being spiteful although she has in the past said that she felt we weren't treated equally. I accept that maybe I was favored being so much younger so maybe it was an attempt to explain this.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 15/03/2015 02:21

Obviously I know my mum loved me once I arrived

Think this. Know this. You are loved.

fizzycolagurlie · 15/03/2015 02:23

you know what you know and you had the relationship you had with your mum. Every sibling has a slightly different relationship and its just about power to "tell" you stuff about your early years which you couldn't have been aware of at the time. Of course its hurtful, but I would let it go...

mmgirish · 15/03/2015 02:36

I think that was an unkind and unnecessary thing to tell you. Try and focus on positive memories if you can.

chickenfuckingpox · 15/03/2015 09:10

it was unnecessary and as both your parents have died who is to contradict what he said how nasty ignore the comment totally

there is an eight year age gap between my daughter and my eldest son nothing to do with the fact i had PND!

sounds like he made it up is he normally jealous of you?

chickenfuckingpox · 15/03/2015 09:14

eldest children always believe the youngest is spoiled because they never remember how we treated them! my daughter thinks i spoil her baby brother (12 year age gap) i pointed out she got me one on one for eight years her brothers will never have that ever and she is far more spoiled than them (and i told her to stop acting the brat about it) i showed her the photos to prove she had enough toys to open several shops and because she was a good baby (now a bratty teenager) we got to go out more places and do more stuff she is still jealous though

HoraceCope · 15/03/2015 09:18

how old was she when you were born? is that what he meant by change of life?
sounds like jealousy though

HoraceCope · 15/03/2015 09:20

sorry, She, if she was 16 when you were born her nose was probably put out of joint and she is just harping back to how she felt then. Thanks

Pancakeflipper · 15/03/2015 09:21

I think their childhood might have coloured by your mother's PND and it affected them so is something that was underlying in their own childhood.

This is their life before you. It hurts but it's their perception, their experience. It's not about you personally.

You did come along and you were part of the family. I wonder if your mother delighted in you, as you proved to her she had faced her biggest fears of PND but all ended up being ok?

One of my siblings was a pregnancy that should have never happened. After the initial shock of new baby my parents absolutely adorded them and felt like the missing part that they didn't realise had been missing had appeared.

As older siblings we can recall the tears and distress of the pregnancy and first year of baby. It did affect us. But we all still loved each other.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/03/2015 09:40

No-one can possibly give a sensible comment about this without knowing more about your family situation. From what you've written, I think it's wholly understandable for anyone who has had post-natal depression to be worried about it happening again to then try to PREVENT it happening again. which would logically to be not to try for more children. That's all there is to it. Nothing to agonise over. It isn't that your mum didn't want more children per se, or didn't love them, it was because she was terrified of her illness coming back if she got pregnant again.

As someone who was on the verge of PND myself and found the first 2 years with DS2 really hard, I do not want more children, because what if I experienced the same again? That's not at all to say that I did fall pregnant by accident that the baby would not be loved. Not at all! Ds2 is now the absolute light of my life and brings so much joy to everyone and I'm assuming that that is exactly how your parents felt about you once you came along. It is nothing personal, it wasn't to do with YOU that they hadn't planned more children. As long as you felt loved when you were here then I'm not sure what the problem is?

How many times do we hear of an older mum's pregnancy and they laugh and say "oh yes, it was a bit of a surprise, let's say!" And the child is loved as much as any of the others.

It all boils down to the question: did you feel loved by your parents? If the answer is yes, then you are overthinking the PND comment and should let it go.

Incidentally does your brother feel as hurt as you? After all, he could feel worse off than you if he (wrongly) believes that he was the "cause" of the PND in your mother.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/03/2015 09:43

Oh, and I think there are some wierd comments on here. Horace: you assume because of the age gap that this was said because the 16 yr old had her "nose put out of joint" because there was a baby on the way? That's a massive assumption! Most 16 ur olds I know would think it's amazing that their mum was going to have another baby.

HoraceCope · 15/03/2015 09:53

Curly, just wanted to add this
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/14/my-siblings-voted-to-save-my-life

OddBodkins · 15/03/2015 09:54

Well, it wouldn't upset me but I'm not saying it shouldn't upset you necessarily. My mum didn't mean to get pregnant with me, she already had 2 under 2! She told me she frantically dug the garden hoping to miscarry! It didn't upset me because I know that once I was born she was thrilled and has lived me ever since. Your mum couldn't see into the future and know you would come along and that all would be well but it appears that's what happened. That's what you should focus on I think.

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