'Mummy am I not a nice boy?' - Family and Friends overlook ds1 in favour of ds2.....

[HiggledyPiggledy123]

DH and I have two sons, ds1 who is 4 and ds2 who is 2. We adore both our boys to pieces but they are completely different. ds1 is shy, quiet, considerate and a thinker. He can be unbelievably kind and thoughtful, way beyond his years, but at the same time he will act withdrawn and sullen if feeling uncomfortable. I love all these parts of his personality, I love the fact he really assesses a situation before diving in, and will think through how others are feeling. He can be difficult though if pushed in situations he is uncomfortable with and will then act out. I feel he doesn't always 'perform' as people want him too and as such they don't how to respond to him and I end up feeling protective of him. This seems to happen with friends and family. He is a wonderful, open child but you have to give him some time to relax with you and feel comfortable - push him and he'll withdraw. Anyway people have always been ok at listening me to in this, and spending that time with him, but since ds2 has found his voice it seems to have changed.

Ds2 is the most delightful child you can picture, chubby, blonde curls, huge blue eyes, cuddles, smiles and kisses for everyone. He really is a lovely delight and knows how to hold the room. He is the child who goes into a room of strangers and says hello to them all and sings twinkle star! Equally as with DS1 I adore these traits in him, but same as ds1 he has down points, including a massive diva temper and never sleeping!!! (Though no-one else really sees this!!)

However family and friends now find ds2 so much easier to communicate with straight away that they are drawn to him and DS1 ends up just taking himself of quietly and playing in his room or in the corner of wherever we are.

AIBU to find this heart breaking and how best to deal with it? I don't want to seek to dim ds2's personality traits but I don't want ds1 to always feel that he is second best. He said to me yesterday when we were leaving my parents that every one likes ds2 more than him, but that's ok. Then a little later he said 'Mummy am I not a nice boy?' He said it in such a sad voice I felt like crying.

How do I manage this?

Oh the poor thing. How heart breaking. I think you should speak to the adults involved rather than try to change any aspects of either of your boys. Surely if you told your parents what he said they would be more aware of how they treated the boys in future?
Also can you engage with him while others are focusing on Ds2 rather than letting him go off to another room? Sit and talk with him maybe draw another adult into the conversation or game?

Heartbreaking. what a wee soul. Please speak to the adults to make them understand that they must spend time with both boys.

Poor little petal ? Not quite the same situation here because although DS2 is captivating, DS1 can hold his own. He just tends to get too rowdy and boisterous in attention seeking if DS1 is being cooed over and he is feeling left out. I have found the best way to keep him included is to steer the conversation with family and friends around to what a great job DS1 is making of being a big brother. "DS2 seems happiest when DS1 is playing with him. DS1, come and show Grandma that funny game you two were playing this morning...." It seems to focus him on the big brother role rather than showing off!! Hope that helps a bit x

I think it is important for children to get quality one-to-one time with their parents, and with significant other adults like GPs, favourite auntie etc.
so that one child is not overshadowed by another. this could be a cinema trip, a sleepover, a day at the park that is just for them without their siblings. If they are only ever together, and one child naturally or accidentally takes more attention, the overlooked child becomes "used" to it, and accepts it, which doesn't make it right. Adults too can get into bad habits, We have ocassionally had to remind MIL not to favour DD1 over DD2.

when we had baby number 3, we bought a lovely book "you're all my favourites" about 3 baby bears who have their similarities, their differences, their insecurities about maybe mummy or daddy liking one of the others more becuase they have different markings or do diferent things. Buy this book and read it with DS1 over and over again to reassure him that DS2 is different but not better.

www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-All-Favourites-Sam-McBratney/dp/1844285154/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1426365245&sr=1-1&keywords=you%27re+all+my+favourites

Personally i would tell my parents how he feels. To make them aware so they can help and make the effort to include ds1. And work from there. Unfortunately ds1 may always feel this in someway, because of how he naturally is. I get how you feel as dd is the same as your ds1 and ds is like your ds2. I know dd feels on the outside alot because she sits back. However its not noted as much as in your children as there is a large age gap in mine and ds always wants to play with dd whenever we are anywhere, so she is never left out at family things. He drags her straight into the middle of everything. I am sorry I don't have any better advice. I hope ds1 is ok.

Thanks LayMeDown, yes either DH or I will play with him. Parents think we overindulge his 'quirks' and he needs to learn to join in more especially before starting school. But I think I have to sit down and really talk to them and others again. He withdrew a lot when ds2 was born but then lots of people really made an effort and he seemed to get over it.
He doesn't express jealousy at DS2 just moves aside. For example - Even if he is cuddling my dad (he is closest to my dad) on the sofa and Ds2 comes along, ds1 just gets up and walks away, but not before helping ds2 on to the sofa for a cuddle. He will also be really protective of ds2 if he is unhappy, upset or anything is wrong.

Your kids both sound lovely. I think part of it is that people aren't thinking that your DS1 is only four because he seems more grown up.

I agree, have a word with the major adults so they know he is feeling like this.

We have a bit of this with my girls. Dd1 is 6 and really shy, when shes shy she reacts by trying to jump up at me saying "mummeeeee" and would probably crawl up my backside and hide. Because of this she comes across as immature silly and clingy. Invariably people try to cajoule her out of it getting in her face which makes her worse looking at me pleading saying "mummee" in a baby voice. Theres me saying "irs okay to be shy but not silly" its her innate response to social situations and i cringe for her.

Then theres dd2 whos three. She talks like a 25 year old, cute little blonde bob and lisps her way through songs on demand.

Subsequently the world is drawn to dd2 the people pleaser whilst dd2 whines mummmeeeee in the background. Everyone then ignores dd1 and when she does finally warm up and try to regale them with a story everyone is still getting dd2 to "do a turn"

I get around it by trying to start a story about dd1 and engage her with the details if I can. Ive told people she feels pushed aside and to let her find her feet which does help. But the biggest best thing ive done is giving dd1 time with family on her own if I can. If shes allowed to go and sit in grandads office 1:1 for example he'll come out gushing about her and her maturity. I have to balance it out. A bit of time together but equal time apart in company so they both get a chance to "shine".

Thanks Phantom and others. We do currently both make sure we have one to one with both of them at least once a week. Ds1 has special jobs he goes and helps Daddy with and every Saturday we have a trip out to do something he wants, i.e. cinema, swimming, zoo, etc. I have mentioned a few times and said things but do feel I need to be more explicit with other adults as I don't think it is purposeful, just misguided. I also wonder about maybe trying to include other adults in our 'special' time. We recently had a big day out and ds2 was poorly so stayed with my parents and dh's mother came with us. DS1 loved having all three of us - he was chattier than I think DMil has ever seen him before and much more relaxed.

equal time apart in company so they both get a chance to "shine"

yes thats exactly what I meant, both getting a chance to shine in their own unique ways

You sound like a lovely mother

It's wonderful you can so clearly see and describe the different characteristics of your sons. I wonder if you can talk with your family/friends and be quite blunt, that they are different but both very dear, and you won't put up with one being neglected/ignored because the other is more of an extrovert.

And perhaps draw him into smaller quieter conversations on topics you know he is interested/animated about, bringing in one or two other people?

What a sensitive, clever and empathetic boy he is.
I would reassure him how much he is loved and admired etc etc. I would also tell your parents what he said...
I think this is something that he might have to get used to. Quieter, thinking types are overlooked at first- that's mostly how it is - but they get there in the end.
I always recommend the book 'quiet' by Susan someone for more understanding.

I'm following this thread, as my ds who is 3 is exactly and I mean exactly how u describe ur ds1 op and my dd who is 1 is more like ur ds2. I'm conscious that ppl are drawn to my dd more, on my side of the fam especially as she is the first granddaughter (this is a big deal on our culture) where as my ds was 2nd gs (few months younger than his cousin, again who is very chatty, engaging, and super cute with big dimples and with chubby cheeks) my son is the quiet one, will draw read do jigsaws by himself. Etc feel he is overlooked between them. Esp as he isn't a cuddler or hugger ??

My girls are a bit the same.
It's partly to do with age. 2 is much cuter than 4.
The older one is more considered and thoughtful. Has always taken her time to asses a situation before engaging. She is confident in herself though.
Have to say we don't have an issue with family though. All our parents and granparents adore them both for the people they are.
The adults in this need to have a word with themselves. A 4 year old should not be left feeling they are less loved than their brother.

I know how you feel. My boys are 7 and nearly 5.

Ds1 is very big for his age. He follows dh and is tall and broad. He has hazel eyes and a handsome, serious face...but he's not cute. I wouldn't have described him as 'cute' even at 1/2 years old iyswim.

Ds2 is the polar opposite looks wise...he's petite for his age, has an elfin face, big blue eyes and wicked dimples. He has the 'cute' factor x 1000, the type of face that makes grannies go 'awhhhhh'.

Ds1 has constantly been overlooked and it winds me right up. People tend to give ds2 what he wants more easily and I've even been in situations with both of them where someone has fussed around ds2 (then age 2) openly saying how beautiful he is, look at his eyes, isn't he lovely...and completely ignoring ds1, who is stood right there, listening to it all.

We are lucky in that ds1 is very laid back. He doesn't seem to take anything to heart, but I've felt sad for ds1 more than once before. And more than once also felt like I want to smash some idiot in the face for fawning over one child and ignoring another one.

You sound like a lovely, considerate mum, OP. I'd def have a word with the adult involved, even telling them what your DS1 has said. I bet the adults don't even realise they're doing it!

Know how you feel OP.

Have a DD20 and a DS16 - he still says grandparents hate him. They constantly called him naughty when he was younger as being a bit of a boy he wouldn't sit all afternoon colouring in. Would start messing around and no matter how often I said lots of walks and kicking a football around - no sit down and be good.

Compared to my DD who was really shy and quiet (so sometimes came across as being a bit miserable) my DS was a happy and loving soul yet she still got more attention.

What a lovely, emphatic little soul you have. Your children are a credit to you and I bet they both go far.

This takes me right back to when I was young. I was your DS1 and my much younger sister was your DS2. Both of us were innocent, normal children, but the differing reactions of adults back then certainly didn't help me come out of my shell. In fact, my mother revelled in the attention my younger sister always got. Thank goodness you and others here are aware of the imbalance of attention and want to do something about that.

Yes, pull up those adults who are unfairly paying more attention to one child than the other. If they can't/won't modify their behaviour, then they won't be any good for either child.

I don't know if it would help your DS1 to know, but if I were in a social situation with your family, it would be your DS1 that I'd enjoy having a conversation with. But he probably wouldn't even know I was there, because I'm still on the periphery where I was consigned all those years ago.

I hear you Wanda

No periphery here.

You sound wise and sensitive, just like the op's little boy.

Perhaps the written word is your real talent. That's what comes across in your post.

Maybe in the difficult situations it might help him to see what it is that makes people talk to ds2 more? Is he smiling, does he say hello politely etc?

Showing your ds these things doesn't mean that he has to do them too, it's just teaching him the truth that people talk more to other people that talk more. And if he wants to try that then it's ok, and if he wants to save it to try when he's older then that's ok too. Your family can help by making themselves easily approachable, and it could help your ds learn more social skills that will help him when he's at school and beyond.

You say that people can't push your ds1 or he backs away, so it doesn't seem fair to blame them for not giving him enough attention.