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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at dh for telling our son he will never die?

28 replies

exactchange · 14/03/2015 17:34

Since remembrance day ds1 (5) has been very concerned about death, having been told at school that lots of people died and being shown a "scary film". Dh has told him that he will never die to try and calm/reassure him (and get him to sleep at night). What would you say? Would you tell him the truth, that everyone dies but hopefully not for a long time?

OP posts:

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 14/03/2015 17:39

I think I'd leave it.

If that's calmed him down then I wouldn't bring it up again.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2015 17:42

Leave it, he will find out when he is older. He is only little, and if that calmed him down for the moment, so be it!

Stripeyfeet · 14/03/2015 17:42

If he asks again tell him everyone dies, it's a part of life. Then steer the conversation rapidly onto the fact that some people believe in reincarnation, and wouldn't it be cool if you could come back as a dinosaur.

CunningCat · 14/03/2015 17:42

It is not uncommon for children to be fixated/scared of death. I'm with King, leave it for now.

TeenAndTween · 14/03/2015 17:43

I try not to lie to my children about important stuff like that.

Only unimportant stuff like where the chocolate I thought they'd forgotten about has gone.

CalicoBlue · 14/03/2015 17:44

I can understand why your DH said that and also why you are annoyed. It would have been better if he had said that everybody dies but not till they are very old and he will be grown up before anything happens to you and DH.

But if it has calmed him down, then no need to revisit it.

Reekypear · 14/03/2015 17:45

Firstly the death phase is totally normal and it does pass.

I'm with you, I think it needs to be included in a healthy way. I would have a honest talk with DH, but don't have a go, it might have been incredibly upsetting for him, he might just lack the right tools to deal with it.

If you are the more stable in this area I would leave these talks to you, I also agree that you should tell him that yes people die, it's part of nature and that most people do die when they are older, but sometimes sadly young people die to. Because some child may die in his school and he won't have the tools to process it, tell the Ruth but couch it in very positive terms, heavy on the it's rare, etc.

Your instincts are correct, and equipping children in a age appropriate way is important, however you must prevent a united front.

Parenting a really hard. X

Floggingmolly · 14/03/2015 17:45

By the time he realises he's not immortal; he'll have completely forgotten he was ever promised that he was! Leave it.

Reekypear · 14/03/2015 17:46

Present a united front.

chocoluvva · 14/03/2015 17:46

I agree with stripey. I'd add that we don't know what happens after death - it might be like a long sleep or it might be something else; either way it will be an end to all our worries and fears.

And I'd tell him that when he is much much older he will hopefully have learnt enough and become wise enough to not fear being dead.

BlackDaisies · 14/03/2015 17:48

It's not something I would say. But sometimes as a parent you just have this overwhelming urge to make everything right for your children. So I can understand why he did it. My ds is like this. I just endlessly tell him he's strong and healthy and will live to be really old. I mean that could be viewed as untrue couldn't it. The truth is who knows what's round the corner. But I wouldn't say that truth either.

ClumsyNinja · 14/03/2015 17:48

OP, do you tell the truth about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy too?

I think your DH did the right thing to help him sleep at night. Does a 5 yr old need to shoulder such burdens about life & death - unless you live in a war zone, then fair enough?

FindoGask · 14/03/2015 17:52

I think it's better, as you do obviously OP, to be honest about it from the beginning but also to reassure. I believe you can be truthful about life and death but in a way that is sensitive to a child's age and cognitive/emotional development.

I can see why you're cross. I think you need to work out an approach between you for questions like this because you won't have heard the last of them.

Reekypear · 14/03/2015 17:53

Clumsly, the tooth fairy and Santa cause might not rack up dead, however any member of his family and or school mates could.

Op is right in instincts .

Rabbishes · 14/03/2015 18:01

I think your DH did what he thought was necessary to calm your DS and help him sleep.

I'd leave it for now but next time it crops up in daylight, hours away from bedtime, I'd have a gentle talk about it.

lavenderhoney · 14/03/2015 18:02

If it comes up again, which it will, you could say dh wishes he could live forever but one day when he is very old, like everyone, he will die.

Ask the school teacher what she says, as well.

My dm died and dc were very interested in it all. dd (5) asked how dm died. " in her sleep, in bed" I said. Deadly silence as both dc looked at each other - it was bedtime and they were in bed. " Oh no" I said. Dc burst out laughing.

Rabbishes · 14/03/2015 18:04

I'd phrase it that everyone dies eventually, hopefully not until they're very old, but that you live forever in the memories of the people who love you then he has a truth that compliments what DH has told him.

PureMorning · 14/03/2015 18:10

Ive done the same. My eldest was in a car with some family members, that had a head on collusion he saw three dead with horrific bloody injurys.

He wasnt coping convinced we would all die so we said we would never die.
That was years ago, hes 12 now and obviously knows we all die but is able to deal with that now.
I dont feel bad about the lie.

My other son is four and his great grandad just died, we explained to him about death very gently but obviously the circumstances were different.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 14/03/2015 18:11

I think your dh did the 100% right thing for now. dc can get very hung up about death and feel insecure....its a loss of innocense in some ways. or can be,

chocoluvva · 14/03/2015 18:17

shoulder such burdens - if you think that the fact of everyone being born, living then dying is a burden you have a very negative view of life which will not help your DC, IMO. Death should not be a taboo subject, it's a basic part of life!

Clawdy · 14/03/2015 19:08

If it's made your ds feel better then it's no bad thing. Any explanation of death is frightening for small children. I remember reading an interview with David Baddiel about his acute insomnia which he'd had for years. He said as a small boy he was talking about being scared of dying, and his mum, trying to make it sound better, said it was just like a very long sleep. After that he said he could never sleep well again, he was afraid of sleeping. It's so hard to find the right things to say.

BertieBotts · 14/03/2015 19:12

I think it is better to tell the truth but he meant well and it's alleviated the problem for now. I'd leave it and not mention it at all. If he asks then you can tell the truth but I wouldn't bring it up.

BestZebbie · 14/03/2015 19:13

I presume your DC is still young enough that he is never going to be left unattended with anything that could potentially kill him? Thinking he can ignore danger because he is immortal (esp if he ever gets exposed to stories/myths etc that feed that idea) might worry me as well as the obvious lying about a really important thing aspect. :/

Boreoff456 · 14/03/2015 19:21

We all panic and say things we probably shouldn't. Especially when dc are upset. Like the others I would leave it for now but talk about it if/when it comes up again. Luckily when our dd asked it was more out of curiosity, not fear so we told her the truth. I haven't had the conversation with ds yet, hopefully it will be the same. But I can't guarantee it.

Iggly · 14/03/2015 19:25

I don't think the five year old will believe it for long. Discuss with your DH but don't go overboard.

My ds is 5 and is obsessed with death. My 3 year old dd has also started asking.

I tell them that they should do all the things they want to and when they get.old they will die. This isn't actually true but I'm not a fortune teller.

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