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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! AIBU to listen to 7 yr old daughter v. DH re: weekend with family?

46 replies

tootsietoo · 13/03/2015 20:32

I'm in a right pickle here! Parents in law have been staying this week to look after the DCs while DH and I were away on Wed night (separately for work stuff, very helpful of them, I appreciate it), and the plan is for them to take the DC down south to visit SIL this weekend. DD2 (7) said a week or so ago that she didn't really fancy it, she'd rather be at home and I said that she never had to stay away if she didn't want to. After a slightly rocky couple of days with the grandparents she is saying more strongly that she doesn't want to go. DH thinks she should go. He says that he knows she will enjoy it when she gets there. I have this strong feeling that it's quite important that I listen to what she's saying and act on it - she is a thoughtful, mature 7 yr old and I feel I will betray her trust (having said what I said about her not having to go if she doesn't want to) if I just jolly her along, ignore what she's saying and pack her off tomorrow morning. On the other hand, it's just a weekend, she might well enjoy some or all of it, and maybe I'm being oversensitive and she needs to be a bit tough because we've already arranged it. If I say that I will let her not go, DH is going to be massively pissed off for ages. I'm basically choosing between upsetting my daughter and upsetting my husband. Which do I choose??

OP posts:
Shedding · 13/03/2015 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Furyfowler · 13/03/2015 20:36

Why has the week been rocky with gp?.... Does your dd not like being away from you? Or is her relationship with gp not great?

wheresthelight · 13/03/2015 20:36

why doesn't she want to go? for me her reasons are key

TheNothingGirl · 13/03/2015 20:37

For me Id listen to my dd, ive always given both my children a choice as to if they want to go/stay somewhere, if they say no I remind them they may miss out on fun but ultimately if they don't want to they don't have to.

Liara · 13/03/2015 20:37

Has she told the gps she would be going?

I would have her tell the gps she doesn't want to go (and your SIL), but I wouldn't force her to go.

PtolemysNeedle · 13/03/2015 20:39

I agree that you need to know what her reasons are, and if she can't offer a reason easily then you'll have to dig a bit deeper to try and help her articulate it.

Is you or your DH going along too an option?

HoggleHoggle · 13/03/2015 20:39

If she's mature etc as you say then I would listen to her - ie if you're sure she's not just taking against going on a whim. I would just hate the thought of packing my ds off somewhere he really didn't want to go.

That being said, I can see where your dh is coming from in terms of showing your dd that plans are plans and should be stuck to.

Ultimately though, you have made a promise to her about her not staying anywhere she didn't want to, so I think you should honour that.

Andro · 13/03/2015 20:41

You made your dd a promise, short of a catastrophe you should keep it...and work on her reasons for not wanting to go away.

Onetwothreeoops · 13/03/2015 20:41

If there was a choice, as there seems to be here, I wouldn't make my children go somewhere they weren't happy with. A weekends is a long time in a 7 year olds life and if shes gets upset it would be miserable for everyone involved.

Original poster
tootsietoo · 13/03/2015 20:42

I made a mistake in that I thought they were travelling to SIL on Sat morning. Turns out they wanted to go tonight, but DD2 had a birthday tea party. While I was away on Wed, granny told her she couldn't go to the party as they had to go to SIL. As you can imagine, DD2 was v. upset! When I got back on Thurs she was still all wobbly lipped about it. They are caring GP, but quite old and not particularly empathetic with the children, and don't do much that they enjoy and in particular DD2 doesn't really "get" them and they don't get her. She has been so clear and mature in explaining that she has missed me and DH and she wants home to be back to normal and she would rather go to SIL another time.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/03/2015 20:44

I said that she never had to stay away if she didn't want to

If that's what you said OP, then I think you should stick to it.

Original poster
tootsietoo · 13/03/2015 20:59

Yes I should stick to it. In hindsight I shouldn't have been so definitive. But nevertheless, it is what I think, so I just need to be tough and ride out the marital storm. In answer to first poster, no, SIL doesn't have children

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 13/03/2015 21:02

What is his main objection to her not going?

Original poster
tootsietoo · 13/03/2015 21:05

That we committed to SIL that they would go and she and GP will be upset if she doesn't. I'm pretty sure we didn't ask DCs months ago when we arranged it. Also, they will still have presence of DD1 who is revelling in the thought of going by herself and having all the attention and treats to herself!!

OP posts:
Shedding · 13/03/2015 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 13/03/2015 21:11

You promised SIL and GP that she would go.

You also promised her that she didn't have to go.

You are going to have to go back on your word to someone. Personally I think the adults will understand, I wouldn't promise my child one thing and then do another.

Backtobedlam · 13/03/2015 21:13

In the circumstances you've explained I wouldn't make her go. You know her best and will most likely spend the whole weekend worried and upset if she does go. GP's and sil will understand I'm sure, or maybe just say she seems a bit off-colour so best to stay home if that's easier?

Purplepoodle · 13/03/2015 21:18

Why not ask gp to go later tonight after birthday party

Original poster
tootsietoo · 13/03/2015 21:20

That sounds simple and sensible back to bedlam! Reality is that it should be no biggie. Why would any adult who cares about her want her to go if she's saying she doesn't fancy it? Maybe she is a bit tired or off colour and wants to be in her own home

OP posts:
Original poster
tootsietoo · 13/03/2015 21:21

Too late now purple poodle!

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 13/03/2015 21:21

I would not make her go but then I am willing to bribe children when desperate times call for it. Disappointing grandparents who helped me out without a good reason, presuming there is no real reason, would at least make me try bribery.

Cinema trip alone with Mummy next weekend because you want to spend time alone with her works in my house. In saying that I would not force her to go, if bribery did not work I would leave it there.

Original poster
tootsietoo · 13/03/2015 21:40

I am not averse to bribery! Will try the conversation tomorrow

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 13/03/2015 21:48

'any adult who cares about her want her to go if she's saying she doesn't fancy it?'

From their viewpoint they could see it (not that I'd agree with them) that a 7 YO is getting to call the shots and you're pandering to their 'whims'.

I actually don't think YBU, if theirs isn't the best relationship and you feel your DD will be stuck, isolated, with people who aren't sympathetic to her, as well as your PIL being stuck with a 7 YO who maybe isn't able to hide her feelings on the situation, I can't imagine why your DH would want to force the issue.

But he doesn't have the final word as you're her mum and are entitled to a say. What kinds of things are you predicting he'd do if you didn't go along with him? What does 'massively pissed off for ages' mean? Because that doesn't sound very good, he shouldn't overrule you with threats of punishment if you don't toe the line.

Canyouforgiveher · 13/03/2015 21:53

She is only 7. Lots of children just want to be at home at that age. tell GPs she is a bit off and you are thinking she might be coming down with something but that dd1 is going to be ecstatic at getting all the attention for once-in fact you are delighted they are doing this because it can be hard being the eldest sometimes.

Had your dh planned a child-free weekend? If so, I can see how he would be disappointed at the change of plans. But it should be only that-not pissed off for ages.

Mine are older. I can see a day when all our weekends are childfree. It isn't as alluring as it sounds. A weekend with a lovely happy 7year old knowing her sister is having a lovely time too sounds nice.

Dr0pThePirate · 13/03/2015 21:58

I'm glad to hear your not forcing her to go OP, it sounds like she really wants to spend the weekend at home with you.

Don't worry about the other adults getting huffy. There is no way they could be as upset not having your DD this weekend as she would be if she was forced to go. Seven year olds don't have "commitments" anyway.

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