To disagree with the notion 'Once you've said it, you can't go back on it'

[RocketInMyPocket]

My kids are 5 and 3.
I've always believed, and been told constantly by others, that once you've said 'no'to the kids, or told them that 'x' is their punishment for y, or whatever, that you mustn't go back on it.
It made perfect sense to me.
Of course you mustn't, otherwise they'll lose respect, know you're a pushover, know they can 'get away with it' with next time etc etc
Except I've been thinking about this (amongst a lot of other things) a lot recently, and think... Well actually, it makes no bloody sense at all.
Surely it's better for your children to see you as human? As a person who is capable of making mistakes?

My mum is a massive believer of the former. That's how it was when I was growing up.

But I remember thinking how unfair it was, that she'd have these ridiculous over reactions to things, she'd (very rarely) apologise, but then even when she did (can only think of two instances), the punishment would still stand.

I remember thinking 'but you've admitted to being wrong, why am I still being punished'. Think it was better when she didn't apologise, then at least there wasn't that conflict of emotions from me.

Sorry I'm rambling.

I really believe this mentality of 'mustn't back down' is hugely damaging.
I think it makes children doubt themselves, makes them not feel confident in their ability to distinguish right from wrong.

This has been an absolute revelation for me.

I believe some people will think I'm an idiot for not seeing this sooner, others will think I'm an idiot for feeling this way at all.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, about the way I behave towards my kids, after realising that the way my mum raised me wasn't the ideal way, and I can't believe it's taken me being nearly 30 years old, and having a child nearly 6 to realise that I wasn't very happy growing up. (Feel so disloyal writing that, even anonymously)
Regarding my DC, some things I do I am very proud of, others I am utterly ashamed of. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, I think it's normal to feel guilty a lot as parents?

There are of a lot of other issues obviously, but I wanted to focus on this one in particular, as it just seems so prevalent.

I want genuine opinions, which is why I have posted here, as people don't tend to mince their words on AIBU...

I have just been doubting myself loads lately, and wanted to see other opinions, as mine seems to have done a complete 180 almost overnight.

(Also sorry for length. Couldn't stop once I had started)

Also hope this all makes sense, I'm writing on my phone, and kept editing things, hard to not go off on tangents

Of course you can change your mind! Explain your reasoning, and it can be educational for both of you.

Totally agree with you

Sticking to your guns when you know you're wrong, is not authoritative parenting, it's just shit.

It strikes me as coming from a place where people are terrified of losing their authority with their kids. They see them as the enemy. It's incredibly insecure and scaredy-cat.

I always stuck to my guns about little things like slinging chocolate in the bin after excessive whinge-fests, but the actual big important things - well yes, I did and do change my mind and say sorry and we talk about why.

The DCs are teenagers now and they know I am not infallible, just trying my best.

I totally agree with you. I'm a teacher, so telling kids off is a regular part of my day. I don't always get it right, and find that the words "I may have over reacted a little, shall we start this lesson again?" have fixed many tricky situations. Students trust me to be fair, and understand that I'm human.
Works with my own kids too!

I think there are two separate things here that need to be teased apart first - consistency, and over-reaction.

It is important to be consistent, to follow through on what sanctions you've forewarned DC of, for no to mean no.

But that's in the context of the parent being a reasonable person, the sanctions having been rationally and calmly decided upon, and that needs the parent to not being prone to overreacting.

You have come to realise that your parent was prone to "have these ridiculous over reactions" - and therefore her sanctions/punishments were plain wrong.

I have occasionally overreacted to some things, they have just pressed my buttons and I have exploded. On those occasions I have calmed down, discussed it with DS, and amended/withdrawn the sanction. So yes, I have 'gone back on it', but only to achieve consistency.

So, do you feel you overreact and therefore paint yourself into a corner with the DC?

You are right.
My DPs were like yours and it is the one of the things I have consciously changed. If I get it wrong, overreact, etc., I will apologise and back down.

Thanks for replies!!
Whereyouleftit Yes I agree with you with consistency and exaggeration.
I don't think I'm prone to over exaggeration as such, but I definitely have over reacted in the past, and can be very short on patience when having a bad day.
I try to be fair to them, and realise I can go back on something now.
The aim is definitely for me to achieve consistency, I want to be form but fair, I want my kids to able to talk to me about absolutely anything.

Well the eldest is 5, so I'm sure there will be a hell of a lot more times to practice this!!