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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have called him incompetent?

22 replies

RainbowInACloud · 12/03/2015 15:19

DH is SO disorganised it's untrue. He's fab in most other ways. I'm currently on mat leave and money is tight. By not claiming back some work expenses he has cost us over £500. I was cross but didn't really shout- just explained the impact on our family and how I often feel like the only grown up (I have to prompt and remind him for everything)
When we were getting over it (not that we'd really rowed) I was joking and called him incompetent. He is so hurt by that which is totally unlike him as he's not moody or a sulker at all. I explained not incompetent at everything, just organisation. He is still cross and hurt. He's gone to get DS from school. Do I need to apologise when he gets home? Was it really a terrible thing to have called him?
Thanks.

OP posts:

Gottagetmoving · 12/03/2015 15:21

Yes, If he was upset by it, you should apologise,

ChipDip · 12/03/2015 15:23

Yanbu in that he needs to get his act together and behave like a responsible adult. But yabu in thinking that incompetent was a joke, you really meant that because that's not a very joky thing to say.
You both need to discuss how he should step up but without insults.

Original poster

RainbowInACloud · 12/03/2015 15:26

Yes you're right I did mean it (because he is incompetent in this area) during the main conversation I was actually very supportive and tried to think of solutions to help him get organised without my input.
I do help him get organised but only because most things have a financial implication e.g. Not getting car tax could get is a fine.

OP posts:

ShebaRabbit · 12/03/2015 15:27

YANBU, money is tight and he has cost the family 500 quid by not doing something very simple. He is incompetent and I bet the reason he's so hurt is because its true. Unless he has a real reason why he didn't do it like an exceptional distraction you're every right to tell him he's incompetent imo.

OddBodkins · 12/03/2015 15:29

It's obviously hit a raw nerve for him. I can see why you might have said it in jest though. Just reiterate your apology when he gets home. I must admit to being a bit head in the sand about some things myself so I can relate to your DH. However, I'm sure it's just as frustrating for my DW as it is for you!!

Original poster

RainbowInACloud · 12/03/2015 15:32

Yes I was surprised he reacted so strongly as he is normally so calm. I will apologise again when he's home. (But there is truth in what I said so I can't completely rescind it)

OP posts:

ampersandand · 12/03/2015 15:32

YANBU it's frustrating having to be the only one doing the 'thinking'.

Original poster

RainbowInACloud · 12/03/2015 15:35

ampersandand that's me exactly. I think for all 5 of us and it's exhausting.

OP posts:

ShebaRabbit · 12/03/2015 15:41

Its called emotional work by social scientists, all the planning, caring and stuff that makes up family life. Its rarely measured yet can be overwhelming at times cos other people don't see it as work. you dont have the luxury of sitting back and chilling cos you know someone else has it all in hand. I think you were right to have a go OP, its no joke carrying the family all the time.

TwinkieTwinkle · 12/03/2015 16:20

YANBU to be miffed and arguing. YABU to think you can call somebody incompetent in a jokey way, particularly due to what you were arguing about. I find it so passive aggressive and annoying when people do that!

Charlotte3333 · 12/03/2015 16:24

Yeah I think that although it might have been meant jokingly, he's obviously still feeling a bit raw from the reality check you gave him. It sucks being the grown-up to another adult, though, and I'll admit I've called DH far, far worse on occasion when he's been a bellend. Perhaps you don't need to apologise, but explain your intention wasn't to hurt his feelings.

RandomNPC · 12/03/2015 16:42

YANBU. What he did was ridiculous, I would have been livid at him.

bigbluebus · 12/03/2015 16:43

I agree with Charlotte's last sentence. I feel your pain OP. My DH is exactly the same. He leaves all admin/finances/organising to me. He used to run a business and had 6000 staff under him, so I can't quite understand why he is not capable of remembering the simplest of tasks well I probably can actually, its because he had a PA to do it all for him at work

I have just had to point out to him that his passport needed renewing, that it is his Mothers Birthday at the weekend (as well as Mothers Day) and am constantly having to point out issues to do with finances that cost us money (eg using the interest free credit card with the balance tf on it to make purchases - on which they then charge interest, or drawing a lump sum of cash out of the ATM the day BEFORE pay day, and taking us overdrawn).

There are 4 adults in this house, and I have to think for all of them - DD because she has a learning disability, DS because he has HF ASD and organisational skills are not his forte and DH who as far as I can tell, has no excuse. It is exhausting.

Tapwater · 12/03/2015 16:45

Yanbu. He was, in fact, incompetent, and it sounds like a regular thing. I wouldn't apologise. If it's smarting, it's because the cap fits. With luck, he will start to view himself differently and take steps to change his behaviour.

BathtimeFunkster · 12/03/2015 16:49

If he doesn't want people to call him incompetent, maybe he could try not being so utterly fucking useless?

How about that?

BlackDaisies · 12/03/2015 16:51

500 pounds is a huge amount to lose. I'm not surprised you called him incompetent. I'm not sure you should be the one apologising here. Did he apologise for losing all that money?

LittleBairn · 12/03/2015 16:54

I wouldn't apologise its the truth. It hurts him because he knows it is true and he doesn't like it about himself. Hopefully he will use those feeling to motivate himself to do better in the future.

Original poster

RainbowInACloud · 12/03/2015 16:55

Yes he did apologise and will take steps to amend it I.e. Using his birthday money to repay it and taking locum shifts.
It's a pretty constant thing though which is why it wears me down. I bought a huge wall calendar for us all to add things to/ check so it's not just me knowing things but he is yet to add anything to it or check it.
He came home calm and apologised again as did I for hurting him.
We seriously need strategies though to stop this happening again. I'm coping now as I'm on Mat leave but I go back to work soon and can't see how I'll manage everything alone.
Thanks for all your input.

OP posts:

shoofly · 12/03/2015 16:57

Yanbu - I think I would be going with "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings" rather than apologising for calling him incompetent, because the evidence has shown that he is.

I was in a similar type of situation with DH when I called him a 'lazy bastard' - I pointed out that whilst he might be a hard working and highly dedicated employee, when it came down to his wife, children, house, garden, wider family and any of the 1001 brain numbingly tasks needed to keep things going on - he was an extremely lazy bastard. He is improving.

Original poster

RainbowInACloud · 12/03/2015 16:59

It's interesting what you say littlebairn about using the feelings to motivate himself.
That's exactly how I would react- I'd be mortified and it would play on my mind and that would be protective in it not happening again.
DH is bothered at the time but very much lives in the moment and is all happy and jolly again. He doesn't ruminate on anything which is good in one respect but not helpful in situations like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

RainbowInACloud · 12/03/2015 17:01

Haha shoofly how did he take that??
DH is very motivated at work but I know he can be disorganised there too. Like others he has a secretary and other team members that help. He is a committed, loving and kind DH and father overall.

OP posts:

CunningCat · 12/03/2015 17:02

If my DP did this I too would call him incompetent. YANBU hopefully he will learn from it.

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