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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry if DH will cope with DS?

41 replies

onemiddlefinger · 12/03/2015 09:24

I got a call from the nursery that DS (2yrs) has got a temperature (that I somehow missed this morning), I was about to leave work to get him, but then DH called me back that he will go as he is not feeling well himself and wants to go home. Great!
Except i'm worried that it won't go well. DH hasn't been home alone with DS for a sometime and when he was it was a bit hit and miss and that's when they were both well. Some days he wouldn't nap at all and will end up tantruming and DH losing his patience etc.
So in a couple of hours I might receive a call that DH can't cope and i need to go home as well.
I just think it's pointless for me to spend a holiday day as well when DH is already taking time off as i possibly have to stay home tomorrow anyway if DS is still not well.
I'm not sure what i'm asking here, just thinking that the combination of DS and DH both unwell at home together is not a good idea, but on the other hand DH is his father and ill or not should be able to step up. After all i have had to in the past when not feeling well myself.

OP posts:

littlejohnnydory · 12/03/2015 12:54

Really, truly, ds deserves the chance to develop his relationship with his dad and vice versa. He will do things differently than you and that's fine but if you carry on being a control freak and not letting them get on with it, you'll be depriving your ds of a relationship with both his parents.

Heels99 · 12/03/2015 12:55

You are being ridiculous.

SunnyBaudelaire · 12/03/2015 12:57

"Why would you have had a child with a man you don't feel is capable of looking after his own son?"
most of us have no clue about how it will all pan out do we? How someone will react under stress?
OP they will be fine

Gottagetmoving · 12/03/2015 13:09

SunnyBaudelaire

Point taken,I just meant I would have to think my partner was able to look after a child before I had one. In as much that I would not expect him to do it exactly the way I would - but at least be capable.

icedgem30 · 12/03/2015 13:09

I get a little bit obsessive with my dds temp as she has had a febrile convulsion so I get the worry but I do think you're being very unreasonable.

Your ds and dh need time to bond together, you cant be there all the time. Dont worry

MinceSpy · 12/03/2015 13:13

My wife keeps undermining my parenting skills.

My son's nursery called, he has a raised temperature and needs to be collected. I'm a bit under the weather myself so I've said I'll collect him and stay home with him. My wife keeps texting and ringing me telling me how to parent it's really pissing me off.

OP give him a chance, he won't parent identically to you but he has a right to look after his own son.

wearing · 12/03/2015 13:16

If you cluck over your dh this much no wonder he's total crap with his kid.

You sound controlling. Let him get on with it.

GothicRainbow · 12/03/2015 13:26

Some harsh words here for the OP!

I get how when your child is sick it can be very easy to fly into over-managing/over-worrying about the situation. I'm prone to it and have to consciously make myself relax about it. I totally understand where you are coming from. It's great that you have begun to recognise this behaviour isn't good and you are double checking your reactions to situations that are stressful for you and lead to you micromanaging.

Trust your DH, he loves his DS to bits and will make sure he is safe and sound for when you get home.

Original poster

onemiddlefinger · 12/03/2015 13:37

I get that AIBU, but to say that i don't think DH is capable to look after his son is not true either.
Last year DS was in nursery 4 days a week and the 1 day we shared with DH, so he was looking after DS 2-3 days a month on his own. However from January he was unable to take regular days off from work so we had to go up to 5days at nursery and since then DH has not really had the chance to be on his own with DS, not because i don't let him but more because it just hasn't come up until today.
I was mainly worried because of both of them being ill - DS being possibly upset, clingy, whiney and DH grumpy, tired.

Anyway i'm trying to stop worrying so much and take on board what everyone is saying for the future - that DH needs to regularly spend time with DS on his own again and i need to step back and let him get on with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

onemiddlefinger · 12/03/2015 13:39

Thank you GothicRainbow for the supportive words and to everyone else too for helping me see sense!

OP posts:

Heels99 · 12/03/2015 14:00

Well done op.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/03/2015 14:04

If DS tantrumming and dh shouting is the worst that has happened then yabu. Are you saying that he has never tantrummed with you and you've never shouted at him? I couldn't say that about my own son...

Morelikeguidelines · 12/03/2015 14:08

They will be fine! Agree with others - father's should be able to cope with this sort of thing.

Going to the supermarket is win win as presumably you will have food in!

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 12/03/2015 14:13

why is going to the supermarket a problem (even though we now know they didn't go) i presume the child would be sat in a trolley being pushed around, not really much different from being sat on the sofa.

BabyGanoush · 12/03/2015 14:21

They will be fine.

You sound a bit too intense, so what if he misses naptime and has a tantrum, he crues, he will stop eventually, and sleep.

You need to let your DH do a bit more of the caring (and you need to step back a bit)

Original poster

onemiddlefinger · 12/03/2015 15:32

They didn't go to the shop in the end.
It was a problem to me as i thought that temperature of nearly 39 should mean going home straight away and getting him Calpol and rest. Also we had all the essentials at home, even ice cream, so there was no immediate need to go.

Yes, i admit i have shouted at DS before and regret it, but i feel that DH loses his temper a bit too easily sometimes.
For instance if DS is jumping around making a lot of noise,DH tells him off once and he continues then the next time DH might just shout at him and he can be quite intimidating when shouting. Whereas i would rather get up from the sofa, go to DS, get to his level and explain why he shouldn't do it (it's disturbing the neighbours at 6am). I admit that 'my way' doesn't always work either and in fact the best way is to distract him with some other activity, but to me shouting is the last resort and i try to avoid it.
I also notice that after a tantrum DH doesn't seek to 'make amends' with DS, when DS is (to me) visibly ready to stop crying and have a cuddle, but as DH doesn't offer it DS won't do it and it does seem that DH stays angry for longer which i think affects DS.

Now, this could be just a difference in parenting and i obviously can't expect DH to be the same as me and please tell me honestly if i'm totally ridiculous in seeing that this might be a problem and affect DS in the long term.
And overall DH loves DS very much and is actually the main one to spoil him, and often let's him get his way, but other times he is too quick to lose his temper too.

OP posts:

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