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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that after 20 yeaes you shluld not be leeching off your ex?

139 replies

butterfly2015 · 11/03/2015 23:32

The woman who has won the right to screw her ex for money has really pissed me off. 20 years after the split, she remarried, had two more kids and bought her council house but let it fall into disrepair. So now her ex has made.a fortune she's decided to demand money from him.

OP posts:
namechangeafternamechange · 12/03/2015 14:40

So 50/50 isn't a possibility in your case?

My OH would love 50/50 care but he can't because his ex won't let him and we don't have £1000's to fight in court. She chose to move 400 miles away at 2 weeks notice so now he only gets to see dsd in school holidays. He didn't choose to parent in those times, his ex has dictated when he can be a parent. Not all men are wankers, most get told when they can parent by either the courts or bitter exes.

exmrs · 12/03/2015 14:44

Bitter exs are bitter for a reason !
In my case my exh walked away as he wouldn't agree to regular contact on whatever terms he set be that once a fortnight or once a month

namechangeafternamechange · 12/03/2015 14:49

In which case you have a dick for an ex, however, you cannot tar a whole gender with the same brush and need to accept that there are women out there who are just out to get whatever they can because they are greedy twats. This woman definitely falls into the 'greedy twat' category.

Mrsstarlord · 12/03/2015 14:55

Exmrs

Not all NRP are a waste of space, not all RP are angels. Your situation is very specific to you. As name change suggests, you shouldn't tar an entire gender based on your experience with one man.

Mrsstarlord · 12/03/2015 14:57

Oh, and I agree OP.

SylvaniansAtEase · 12/03/2015 15:10

namechangeafternamechange - no, not bitter and twisted, no personal experience of this, thankfully - happily married to the dad of my children.

I do, however, know a lot of folk who live in Stroud :)

TheFairyCaravan · 12/03/2015 15:16

I'd bet my life she is not pursuing the fathers of her other three children for any maintenance they might/ might not have paid.

Bramshott · 12/03/2015 15:22

I do wonder why all the news outlets have decided that this is SUCH an important story that it needs wide coverage Hmm. I mean it was the most prominent story on the BBC website for a large part of yesterday FFS.

butterfly2015 · 12/03/2015 15:45

Interesting views

I am somewhat bemused by the many that suggest women should be compensated for having children. Did they not want their children? I've got two and get very little maintenance but I am not bothered. They are my children and I will provide for them. I wanted them and I don't care that dad 1 hasn't seen child 1 for nearly 15 years, it's his loss and I want nothing from him. Dad2 has a well paid job but refuses to pay more than £5 a week as he says I will spend it on myself. He has had contact stopped with child 2 due to his behaviour and I've got a non molestation order. He was offered contact centre and refused showing its all about control.

I want nothing from either of them. I am happy bringing my children up. Yes it's a struggle but I do without so my kids don't. I think the days of living off a man are long gone. I might have sacrificed a career but still managed to hold down a full time job for 20 years without the need to demand money for actually giving birth and having a child.

I certainly feel I haven't missed out. I've got my children and that's enough. I would hate them to think I was using them as an excuse to get cash. It's almost like some women resent having their children and want money to compensate. If career was that important then why bother having children?

OP posts:
lalalonglegs · 12/03/2015 16:09

Bramshott - but it is a huge story with enormous relevance to a lot of divorcees. It's much more important, imo, than most of the party jockeying for position at the moment because it will potentially affect so many people directly.

GreenShadow · 12/03/2015 16:14

Ha SylvaniansAtEase - I thought from your first post that you might be local. I live and work very close to Mr Vince and I do think us 'locals' probably have a very different view to those who don't actually know him.

Bramshott · 12/03/2015 16:52

Hmm - I do see your point lala but I'm not so sure. She hasn't been awarded anything, the judge simply decided that in this case, where there had (unusually) been no final financial settlement as part of the divorce, there was no legal precedent establishing a time limit on a claim.

AgaPanthers · 12/03/2015 17:10

"You could read the document and have one of 2 opinions....she genuinely tried to better herself with an education but was scuppered each time by her controlling/abusive husband or, as there is no record of this, she is attempting to discredit ExH and suggest that she couldn't get a decent paying job as she wasn't allowed to train at uni so is therefore entitled to financially support as it's his fault."

I don't know how you come up with the idea that he was controlling. He only lived with her for a couple of years, and he was living in a fire engine in Spain and what not.

Also it's noted in the judgement that she had little chance of getting a good job because of

(a) her ill health
(b) her lifestyle, which was the same as his, but he is some sort of one-in-a-million gadget genius, which doesn't lend itself to making money
(c) her decision to have two further children with another man when their son was around 10 years old

AgaPanthers · 12/03/2015 17:28

"No, you shouldn't, Mr. Ecotricity. You spent the last 20 years not contributing a PENNY to your kids - leeching utterly off this woman"

Have you read the judgement? This is not accurate. He had A kid, who he looked after at various points, and at one point sued for custody, which failed.

"who DIDN'T have the free time, headspace or lack of commitment to get the chance to do anything near becoming an entrepreneur and making a million. While you were doing that, she funded YOUR children"

No, this is not right either. She didn't fund her children, she was living on benefits, and moreover he didn't become an entrepreneur until his one son was 14, at which point he really wouldn't have been that much of an impediment.

Moreover it sounds like both their lifestyles were pretty chaotic, in that he took his son travelling in a caravan when he was one year old for a year, so it really isn't clear how much that interfered with his general tinkering.

"This story has really angered me - not least because it's disgusting that she should even have to ask. Yes, Mr Green, Mr doing great stuff for humanity - pity he couldn't look at the human being that's poured her energy into the OTHER assets he now enjoys and say 'hey, you know, by rights - if I'm going to look at my life as a whole and the good stuff I have - half of this cash belongs to you.'"

A child is not an asset as such. Not unless perhaps he has special skills, say for instance the mother devoted her life to teaching him advanced mathematics, which enabled him to invent something wonderful.

There's no evidence of that here. The son, it seems, works for the father for purely nepotistic reasons, and the evidence suggests that his upbringing with his mother was pretty chaotic, and there's no particular reason to believe that she 'poured her energy' into him as such - certainly not all parents do.

"NOBODY would even think, in a MILLION years, to say to Mr. Eco - 'Hang on, you split years ago. You decided to separate yourself from this family and played no part, made no contribution to creating and maintaining this amazing asset, these now adult humans who are only what they are because your ex wife made them her project. You have no right to ask to share those assets now. You are not Dad, go away.'"

You what? He has an adult son, who can choose to spend time with whomever he chooses. That is not 'an asset'. It's an adult with free will.

Fundamentally speaking, a child will, by and large, grow up and become an adult. This process of raising it is not of itself rocket science. Children might have horrific upbringings but they still survive - it's not something that is deserving of millions of pounds of itself.

"Yet in reverse - when the child carer says, hey - you've only got those monetary assets AND the benefit of having children, grandchildren, a family, because I did it all - oh nooooo, the cash Mr. Big makes because he's not finishing work at 3pm because he has to get to the school - no, you've no right to that! All mine! And yes, the kids are half mine too. Me human rights, innit?"

But he never worked that kind of job where you needed to stay till 7pm. He didn't build a career in a firm of solicitors or something. He just went around being a hippie/new age traveller/protester, tinkering with old vehicles, and when his son was 14 he bought a windmill.

So her contribution truly was nothing.

Not every man is in a job where he relies on his wife for childcare.

"I couldn't disagree more with your OP, and I hope she gets a good payout."

It's always a good idea to read the facts before commenting.

exmrs · 12/03/2015 18:49

Agapanther it says on the link she did work at some time (low paid jobs) and had ill health and then on benefits. Not her fault she got ill.

AgaPanthers · 12/03/2015 19:07

Well we don't know why she got ill, but anyway the point being that if she has ill health than she's unlikely to have made a high-paying career, which he can be said to have denied her.

This is not like two Cambridge-educated lawyers or something, 999 times out of 1000 both parties in this kind of situation would expect to spend their lives with very little money.

morethanpotatoprints · 12/03/2015 19:13

The money he should have paid in maintenance should go to the woman.Even if she remarried it was not her new husbands responsibility to maintain her ds.
It may hopefully open the gates for more women to claim what they should have received in maintenance.
Having no money is no excuse, they should be made to cough up how ever many years later they come into money.
It's only what they owe after all.

Lilymaid · 12/03/2015 19:42

I wonder if she has pursued the other two fathers of her children for arrears of maintenance? The judgment seems to imply that she hasn't been supported by either and that the three children who live with her who are now adults don't contribute much.
She now has to return to court for a ruling on how much she should get. Supreme Court has suggested a modest award, so it is unlikely a lower court will go against this.

namechangeafternamechange · 12/03/2015 20:24

morethan think about what you have written and then factor in that he has supported a young lady that wasn't biologically his. The mother even tried to claim maintenance from him, for the child that wasn't his. So it wasn't her new husband's responsibility to support a child that wasn't his but it's ok for him to support his step-daughter?

The contradiction in your statement is bemusing, at best.

MaybeDoctor · 12/03/2015 20:24

It does puzzle me how we have had two cases in just a couple of weeks where public outrage has been stirred up against ex-spouses, variously portrayed as greedy, lazy, feckless and grasping by the mass media.

Whereas it seems like every week that I see a post on MN where a woman has been left holding the baby and a 'self employed' dad is undeclaring on his tax returns so that he pays next to nothing.

Why aren't women marching on fucking parliament about this? I guess the answer is that they don't have the time because they have children to care for...

HeteronormativeBuckethead · 12/03/2015 20:38

Sylvanians you couldn't be more wrong about Mr Vince as a parent.
He doted on his son and always provided for him.
What he didn't have to provide for was Ms Wyatt's other three children - not that he would have been in a position to do so anyway at the point of their split and not for many years after.

For you to assume that because they split, he didn't love and care for his son, is ridiculous. He did everything to help bring up his son, including giving informal financial support - as was normal at the time - and a home with him.
The son is now a respectable business person who has had strong support from his father all his life.

If you are in any doubt as to his input, you might look to Ms Wyatt's other children - one of whom is in prison, one has hardly ever attended school because of repeated exclusions and the other is a teenager with a baby.

Rightokthen · 12/03/2015 20:40

My view was she sacrificed her career to raise the child alone. She could have used childcare but if your wages don't cover it what's the point.

Had she not had the responsibility of childcare she may now be on a decent wage and own a house etc.

That's partly down to him so I don't think this situation is crazy

jasper · 13/03/2015 03:09

he DID contribute to the kid. it's just that he can't prove it.he was interviewed on R4 and seems a v decent bloke.

exactly like many people I know who give cash to their ex to support their child.

The case is beyond ridiculous . what's the point of getting divorced if this can happen..

AgaPanthers · 13/03/2015 09:04

I missed that part.

There is a hatchet piece on her here:

AgaPanthers · 13/03/2015 09:13

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2991193/Hippy-tycoon-facing-2m-divorce-payout-ex-wife-30-years-split-claims-comfortable-life-home-says-bought-washing-machine.html

Her other children are all unemployed or in prison. So suggestions that she did some fabulous job bringing them up worthy of a huge payout look rather ludicrous.