To think this is a toxic sibling relationship?

[If1hadahammer]

NC as identifiable.
My brother can be funny, warm, charming and very lovely when he wants to be. However he is often harsh, nasty, self-centred, untruthful and basically uses my family at any opportunity. 'Borrowed' thousands of pounds, often under false pretences, and never repaid. Wrote off our home car and kept the insurance money, leaving my parents car-less. Made up illnesses for attention (not sure why). I could write a book.

My parents always had an excuse for him whether being young, finding uni difficult, recent break-up etc. However he is now almost 40, successful professionally and IMO getting worse and quite cruel. He does appear to have some good long-term friends so I guess that he behaves differently with them.

For some reason I have never been able to cut off contact. I've known for years that life would be much easier without him. I have an incredible and supportive DH, wonderful kids and a great job that I like. But he still has the ability to regularly make me feel crap and upset in seconds. Once or twice I have stopped contact but weakened over time. My parents are in full time care so some contact is needed but I really would like to have nothing to do with him.

Why can't I just do it? Sorry for the long post but he 'had words' with me over the weekend and have been all over the place since. Can you please give advice or share your experiences?

Toxic? Yes!

I avoid my siblings, they have been given the message by my mother that it is fine to treat me like rubbish and even my father's influence only holds when he's there. Contact only when unavoidable (low contact as opposed to no contact), complete disengagement from them so their vitriol washes over me and protect my dc at all costs.

'I don't have to listen to this'
'Go away or I will file a harassment complaint'
'You are not welcome in my home'
'Either speak to me appropriately, or speak to me via my lawyer'

Are all phases I have used to keep them in check and retain my sanity.

I sympathise with your difficulty in managing him, I was ousted to boarding school when my siblings were born so I've never lived with them/had a proper relationship with them - I don't have a bond.

Disengaging from my mother was more difficult, I had to hold on to the thought of 'what is best for me'. Apportioning a similar level of emotional investment in her as she had for me helped (what kind of mother sees her child blue lighted to hospital and doesn't even call to check on them, never mind visit? Not one I need to prioritise in my life!).

It's hard and it takes time, you might find the stately homes thread in relationships useful to look at. Don't let an emotional vampire suck the joy an peace out of your life, you can learn to defend against it.
and

Whoops, I didn't mean yo write an essay.

He sounds very similar to my brother, who I am nc with.
He can be very charmng and fun UNLESS you don't do what he wants or point out something he doesn't agree with and then he turns into an aggressive arsehole.
If it's not healthy don't have a relationship with him and keep contact to a minimum.

Thanks Andro and Hopping, I guess it's hard to step back after years of just putting up with it.

When you went low contact, how did you stay that way - just ignore calls? How long did it take before you stopped feeling guilty (if you did ...)

I didn't feel guilty; by the time I reached adulthood I'd worked through most of the hurt and the anger, being able to choose the boundaries of contact was a relief.

Low contact has been the norm from me going to boarding school, emergency contact only (although my definition and my mothers is different). I don't ignore calls because I'm not bombarded with them, I just drew very clear lines of acceptability and will end any call which crosses the line. Fortunately I have a good relationship with my father, it limits the need for contact. One brother did push me, but that was in terms of turning up rather than calling...the threat of a formal complaint brought a halt because he knew I'd follow through.

The emotional disengagement was more difficult that the physical disengagement; I wanted my mother to love me and to love her in return, the reality was that my life meant less to her than one of my brothers being able to have his favourite meal did. Coming to terms with that was brutal, it was also the most important step.

My dh is amazing, he supports me completely and has been intrinsic to me developing the ability to trust emotionally. On the odd occasion when I have been particularly vulnerable, he has also taken any family calls so that I didn't have to - that kind of back up is priceless! Talk things through with your dh, if he knows where you are and why he can support you if you need it.