To ask how you deal with mega tantrums?

[CundtBake]

Because I feel like I'm going to have a break down.

DS is almost 3. He is (hopefully) going through a 'phase'. Every day he is having serious mega screaming kicking smacking tantrums. So far every day this week he has had at least 2. He is in the middle of one right now that has been going for atleast 20 minutes and I'm in the kitchen crying.

All the advice tells you to not shout/leave them to cry/breathe but nothing fucking works. Talking to him makes it worse. My neighbours are going to hate me.

Please help

Oh I feel your pain. My DD2 had the most awful tantrums. She's 7 now and still prone to an outburst. It's hard because at 3 they're not very reasonable. I used to distract...make her laugh...suggest something she likes such as a bath.

I have no practical advice for you op but I'm watching with interest and holding your hand through this as my 3yo dd is going through a similar phase. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone (and I'm sitting on the floor crying with you!)

first of all and another one

It's a tough time.

I am not sure that what I did will help much. It's a very difficult thing to do.

I made sure they were safe and I let them get on with it.

I kept myself calm and I let it ride out.

Mine both have asd so they had what are known as meltdowns, which is an autistic behaviour triggered by sensory overload, etc. But they also, being children, had your bog standard temper tantrum.

I found the same approach for both was best for me and didn't harm them.

Bugger the neighbours. I mean it. They cannot be your priority right now. You're going to have to take care of yourself and deal with them later.

There are things you can do to begin to identify when a tantrum is likely to happen and try to divert it. Get to know the triggers. But right now, what you need is to get yourself a cup of coffee and take some deep breaths and tell yourself that it's ok.

I try distraction but mostly, and with the benefit of hidsight, I leave them to it. Ensure they can't damage themselves or their surroundings, walk a few paces aaway or into a different room, and wait it out. Ds2's record was over 40 minutes of solid screaming, foot stamping, fist drumming fury. Ds1 tends to sit down a refuse to move. Fine. I can wait longer than you, pal!

I feel for you, it's horrible. One of mine had at least 3 or 4 meltdowns a day and regularly reduced me to tears.

It does pass, honestly it does although I never believed anyone who said that to me.

In the meantime all I can suggest is putting him in his bedroom till he calms down. This is just to give you some breathing space. My tantruming little toerag would attempt to come out, I tied rope the handle and to the staircase. She was bloody staying in there till she'd screamed out her rage, usually of nothing, and till I'd calmed down or stopped crying.

It's hell but it does pass xxxx

Thankyou all so much. I really feel like I'm not coping but it's comforting to know it's not just me. I'm on my own with hardly any support so I always doubt myself.

I'm trying to forget about the neighbours but I've had incidents before with next doors teenagers calling me a bitch and banging on walls when he's cried and MN seemed to sympathise with them quite a bit. Our flat is small with quite thin walls so I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells.

He's still going. I've run myself a bath. Literally nothing I say or do will calm him down he turns into a completely different child. I don't even know why this one started anymore!!!

You are doing the right thing and it is working. This is what you do for tantrums. Just try to change the tears on your part to a cup of tea and a biscuit to wait it out without being so upset.

Oh dear! If he is in the house, in a safe place, then just leave him. Make yourself a cup of tea and a biscuit and sit down and have it. Wait until he's finished and give him a cuddle! Can you identify any triggers for his tantrums. Ds3 was particularly bad when he was tired or hungry. He also liked a bit of warning when something was going to happen so "after this programme we will switch the telly off and have our snack" rather than "right, put the telly off". He also found any sort of disappointment hard to handle.

I mention ds3, not because ds1 & 2 didn't tantrum but because it took me till ds3 to work out how to anticipate one and ward it off get my cup of tea before it started. It doesn't always work but it did make a difference.

You've had some good advice so far but I would add pretend to read a magazine or book. If it's a book your DS might like perhaps start reading a few lines out loud?

mine has ASD and I find holding him helps. sometimes holding him is the only option to prevent injury to dd/him/me/the general public.

I tend to prefer preventative measures, but they take a while to suss out.

I put my 2yo in her playpen and go and sit at tye top of the stairs with a cup of tea.
I did get her laughing once when I snapped and shouted' oh wah wah wah poor bloody me ' not proud but it worked

My dd can go for two hours - don't worry about the neighbours, they can call you what they like but ignoring if they're safe at home works fastest - I shut myself away in kitchen. It resolves by far the fastest. I do say, as a consequence x is being taken away, calmly and then ignore. Over time I get fewer as dd knows a) she's going to lose a favoured toy and b) she doesn't get attention. When I'm out, even at 4 the best strategy is picking her up and getting her home as fast as possible. It sucks - probably he's a bit tired or coming down with something but in any case I think it's just another menu option in the strategy list that they use and best accept you aren't doing anything wrong at all.

My nearly 3 year old does this too. He gave himself a nosebleed by banging his own head on floor.
It's very hard to deal with. And embarrassing to admit. I was also worried of what people would think as I dangled a child with a face like this by one leg screaming and screaming.
Now I just let him get on with it, carry on as usual, finish making my tea or wherever I was doing. If we are out and people stare I don't give a shit. If I every see a mum in the same situation I smile and do a "I feel your pain, don't worry" look.
I have older children to so I am aware it doesn't last even though it feels endless

I've been given free coffee before when dd threw a particularly bad sit down and scream protest in nero before - had to haul her out. Was because I said she couldn't have a chocolate bear.

cundt shall we run off to the pub together and leave them to it?! Dd is still going too, despite the room now being emptied of toys and the TV remotes being hidden!

I'm a bit more in the middle about this one.

There was a lot of neglect and unkindness in my childhood. As an older child I can remember screaming and crying and never being comforted. My parents might come in to shut the windows of my room, so the neighbours wouldn't here, but that was about it.

I do appreciate that there's a developmental phase where small children cannot manage their emotions and letting them get out the tears or the shouting is part of the process.

But I suppose for me there's the question of how you can make a frightened/angry/distressed child who feels out of control, realise that actually they are safe and cared for.

I don't think we mean not comfort them at all or to leave them for extremely long periods of time just leave them (and you) to calm down as trying to comfort them or reason with them during the tantrum will not end well

I think though that there's a huge difference between managing a tantrum by not escalating things while being a loving parent who gives their child a secure, safe and loved upbringing and being a neglectful parent who never attends to their child's emotional needs.

A loving parent can take a step back when required but still ensure their child grows up knowing they are loved, valued and cherished.

I'm so sorry that your parents were neglectful and unkind.

I usually ask mine if they need help to calm down, if it escalates (we have half hour ones with head butting etc) I tell mine I'm going in (whichever room) and I am ready to give you a cuddle when you've finished your tantrum.

Now they are older, when they feel they are getting out of control in the tantrum I usually get an answer of - I want to be on my own (then they come find me for cuddles when it's over), I need help (I hold them tight in to me, not a cuddle more wrap myself around all limbs and hold them in tight while gentle rocking), or straight up they want a cuddle.

It gets better but at the same point we all even as adults get over whelmed by emotions sometimes.

Reasonable neighbours know that three year olds have tantrums, it's what they do. Teenagers may not always be reasonable, of course.