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Original poster

Sick of MIL's comments about single parents

53 replies

Discopanda · 10/03/2015 09:47

Every single time I have to see MIL she makes derogatory comments about single parents, about how 'damaging' it is for children and telling me that my father should have been around (alchoholic, was told he could see us in a contact centre but didn't bother to sort anything out) and I actually had a perfectly happy childhood being brought up by just my mum. She, on the other hand grew up watching their father emotionally and physically abuse their mother but apparently that's OK because they had both parents around. I'm currently on DH's laptop because mine has broken, he left his email logged on and she's sent him an email with a talk about how childhood trauma affects people their whole life saying that it 'might explain Discopanda'. WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 10/03/2015 10:41

yes I would try and pin down exactly what she meant by 'that explains Discopanda'. Is your husband being disloyal and discussing you behind your back?

Miggsie · 10/03/2015 10:48

Sounds like she knows she had a shit life so is projecting crap onto you so she can feel superior because she had 2 parents and you had one - so that means she knows best and can be better with your DD than you can.

You need to set boundaries now as her obsession with single parents sounds like it is getting crazy and threatening. YOur H can't ignore the fact his mother is fixated on an event that means nothing and is acting irresponsibly with his own child.
The fact he never stands up to her an doesn't want to discuss it means he was emotionally conditioned by her to accept her will only and was not able to become a truly independent being in his own right.

She is now assuming she can take over your child and justifies it with saying you were brought up by a single parent so are therefore second class to her.

She needs to be challenged otherwise whatever damage was done to her, which she transferred to your DH will be turned on your DD.

TheChandler · 10/03/2015 11:06

Just don't have anything to do with her. Cut her off completely. Her behaviour is absolutely dreadful.

Tell her why first of all, and ask her if she has any mental conditions affecting her ability to behave that run in her family, and if not, that her obviously poor upbringing and lack of decency will not be tolerated in your family.

Whatisaweekend · 10/03/2015 11:15

Just what exactly does she feel needs "explaining" about you??!!

I would reply saying "Dear MIL, Unfortunately for you, I have seen your horrible email to my husband. I have no idea what you hope to achieve with such a venomous message or what you feel needs 'explaining' about me. I had a very happy and secure upbringing with a single parent, much better, I imagine, than the one you endured with an emotionally and physically abusive parent. I am asking you now to drop the subject as I am beginning to get annoyed about your constant jibes. Please also stop having these private little email chats with my husband about me - it is tremendously disrespectful. Yours, Discopanda"

Original poster
Discopanda · 10/03/2015 11:19

TBH I'm getting completely sick of this, it's bad enough her talking about me behind my back without the father of my children who is supposed to support me going along with it. I need to seriously consider my next move.

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RiverRocks · 10/03/2015 11:35

I think your DH needs to man up.

She is trying to undermine you, and he is letting her. Leaving aside her own upbringing, there is nothing about you which needs to be explained - you were happy and loved.

I would be more concerned about her running off with DD. That is abduction, and I would have called the police and banned her from seeing DD again without me present. Particularly as it's likely your DD will be exposed to some of the other vitriol at some stage as well!

I'd keep a copy of that email and any others she has sent, just in case.

Your DH needs to cut the apron strings and prioritise his own family!

Midori1999 · 10/03/2015 12:47

Your MIL took your child without your permission and wouldn't return her when asked? That is an actual criminal offence, surely?! Shock did your DH say nothing about this too, just for an easy life? Has he been discussing you with MIL do you think? I think you need to have words with him and make it clear that if he won't stand up to MIL, then you will and you expect his support.

PeppermintCrayon · 10/03/2015 14:00

"Sounds like she knows she had a shit life so is projecting crap onto you so she can feel superior because she had 2 parents and you had one - so that means she knows best and can be better with your DD than you can."

Exactly this.

LittleBairn · 10/03/2015 14:53

The fact that she took your child and refused to return her would have her banned from having any contact with her grandchild in this house.
How on earth can your H justify that?!

LittleBairn · 10/03/2015 14:56

She's doing this to undermine you and basically gas light your H towards you. She wants to sow the seed you are 'damaged' that why she is clinging o the single parent thing and the emails to your H.

For what its worth my Dad says the happiest time of his childhood were the years he spent in care with neither of his parents around.

Rainbunny · 11/03/2015 17:37

Jesus. This is something you cannot ignore. Why is she sending emails discussing her opinions of your emotional state to your DH? Is he initiating conversations about this or is she just sending unsolicited emails to him? If she is saying things like this to him then god knows what little poisonous comments she might be making to your DD about you. If he is not shutting her down in no uncertain terms then you have a serious problem with your DH I think.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/03/2015 17:48

She sounds awful and he's got some explaining to do.

ChiwetelFan · 11/03/2015 17:58

In an ideal world I'd send an email to both of them asking why she is making such an issue of it considering that if she keeps interfering and he doesn't grow a back bone her granddaughter/his daughter will have 2 single parents!

Original poster
Discopanda · 20/03/2015 00:00

I didn't think it could get worse, but it has. She is now emailing her main email group (OH, his sis, his aunties, etc.) emails like '10 life commandments' and saying that the one about holding grudges is relevant to me. The woman is a fucking psycho.

OP posts:
fattymcfatfat · 20/03/2015 00:05

I think fuckit had the right idea Wink

ChoochiWhoo · 20/03/2015 00:05

Dear god i am so angry for you, yes , your DH needs to man up and deal with your MIL ...what happened when she refused to bring DD back?

Original poster
Discopanda · 20/03/2015 00:08

He had to go and collect her. I've decided to just have literally no contact with her. Much easier.

OP posts:
ChoochiWhoo · 20/03/2015 00:13

What's your DH doing about the emails? You can't just let it slide....id have beaten her with the bloody laptop *nothelpful

Original poster
Discopanda · 20/03/2015 00:17

Absolutely nothing. I'm just going to have to speak to FIL and point out that it isn't on.

OP posts:
textfan · 20/03/2015 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 20/03/2015 00:56

Sounds like she's insecure.

Maybe she was desperately miserable during her marriage but looking for constant reassurance that she did the right thing?

Or proving she's a better grandmother?

Or maybe she's ensuring that you never leave her precious son?

Either way, she's batshit. If she brings it up again simply walk out of the room.

KaffeOgKage · 20/03/2015 01:02

I was only reading a story this morning that showed that it's the stability of the family unit be it single or couple that determines the child's outcomes. Interestingly children of step family blended families had worse outcomes and were more likely to drop out of school if they were unhappy than children of single mothers who weren't in a new relationship.

Obviously that's not something that step families should be depressed about. I'm just saying, she is WRONG and there are studies to prove she is wrong.

Sounds like she has her own agenda. Maybe she feels you could do better than her son and is trying to "subtly" she thinks terrify you with her 'facts' and figures and prophecies of gloom.

I agree with sukie! I have an xmil ! or as I call her now, a total stranger. Sorry if that sounds flippant but it's how i like it.

KaffeOgKage · 20/03/2015 01:07

ps, don't engage in an email war. She'll enjoy it. You'll feel drained. You'll be inflating her ego. You're defending, she's attacking. She will feel outraged and she'll ahve "evidence" of your nastiness and bad upbringing.

What The chandler says is better advice. Do not engage. Ever. Do not feed her delusion that what she thinks about you matters. When you think about it, if somebody comes out with a load of shit and you argue back it's like saying to them "i care what you think, I want you to see this side of things".

NOT arguing back sends the message that you couldn't give a f*&K what they think.

I would change your email address, and your phone number and I'd ignore her where possible.

KaffeOgKage · 20/03/2015 01:15

get yuor H to print this off and give it to her

Original poster
Discopanda · 20/03/2015 10:19

The thing about her is she goes through periods of being obsessed with certain people, SIL says that she was obsessed with DP when they were growing up to the point where she (SIL) started to get p*ssed off, for months she was obsessed with an acquaintance of theirs who was technically homeless, when she did jury service she was obsessed with the woman who was on trial, which is understandable but it wasn't a murder case or anything, she'd be at the breakfast table saying things like "I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking about (person on trial)..." and sending emails to everyone discussing the case, which I'm pretty sure is illegal! Maybe at the moment I'm just the person she's decided to obsess over.

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