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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to buy what I want for my Mum?

14 replies

Faithope · 10/03/2015 09:44

So I have the worlds fussiest, expensive taste mum, who is 62 and lives with my sister who financially looks after her.
I used to buy gifts that I thought she would like. Then she used to give huge hints about what she would like. So me being a nice daughter (or so I thought) got her these gifts (theatre vouchers and M&S vouchers)

Mum let slip that she 'sold' her M&S vouchers without realising until it was too late, she had said it.

I got her theatre vouchers for Christmas, so did her grandson (my ds1). In January, there was a show I wanted to take DS1 to. DH and I couldn't get down the town and my mum was keen to help so said she would get them and I could give her the money when I saw her next (I see her every day). So I did that.

Now last night was the theatre night and on looking at the tickets, I see she paid with vouchers. Now that means she used the vouchers I bought her for Christmas and she pocketed the money to use on whatever. She hasn't booked to see any shows.

Now I am upset by this.

Sister asked if I wanted to pay towards a ring for Mother's Day, I thought why not. But later changed my mind as I know what Mum is like and she changes her mind all the time and will take things back all the time.

When explaining this to my sister, she went off on one, telling me she is so angry at me and how bad will it look on me when the ring is only from 2 sisters, not 3...

By the way, I am 37, sisters are 40 and 35...

AIBU??

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/03/2015 09:48

If you are going to spend £X on a gift for your mother, does it matter whether it is part of a ring or something else or what she does with it?

I can see that it is hurtful when there seems to be no appreciation of the gift, and it's odd to sell on things she's asked for, but I would tend to shrug and think that at least she was happy in the end.

TheJiminyConjecture · 10/03/2015 09:50

To be fair to your mum, you only gave her the theatre tickets late December and there was something she could spend them on in January (for Ds). I imagine she just used them for that and thought she had the money to pay for theatre tickets whenever she wanted. If it had been a year later and she still had them or had flogged them on ebay after asking for them I could see your point.

Original poster
Faithope · 10/03/2015 09:53

But gifts are given to be appreciated so if they aren't, why bother?? That's how I feel. Why bother when it just gets side lined like that, more than once. If it was a one off then I could take that. I am sure we have all done that in our lifetime, but to keep doing it?

Id rather make a cake for her, say thanks for everything she does for me and that I appreciate all that she does.

There's no thought giving money in an envelope for me.

OP posts:
Lovemycatsandkids · 10/03/2015 09:54

I would let your dsis sort out the gift.

You don't need this hassle op. Some people are just bloody difficult.

annielouisa · 10/03/2015 09:54

Is your mum short of money? I mean maybe she physically wants to have her own money rather than being looked after by your sister?

FuckItBucket · 10/03/2015 09:54

My mum gets a bottle of alcohol and she best me happy with it as she's fussy too Grin

SaucyJack · 10/03/2015 09:55

I'd get her a small box of Milk Tray meself.

Original poster
Faithope · 10/03/2015 10:02

O my sister makes sure that if she says she wants, she gets! She has a lovely smart home, has two holidays a year, all paid for by my sister (our dad divorced mum in 1990's and has since died, mum never met anyone else) It's my sisters choice so that's fine. She has money if she needs it.

She likes a Martini so could buy her a bottle of that Grin

This all happened late last night and early this morning. I have just now been sent a text from mum saying my sister is out of a job in 5 weeks-so I am guessing this ring is now not an option anyway.. This was on the cards for months (the city we are in is having a new shopping centre built and it's right on top of where my sister is working).

OP posts:
notnaice · 10/03/2015 10:14

Just give her money. That seems to be what she wants and appreciates.

I can't really understand why people get hung up on these things. With money she can get what she really wants, anytime she wants it.

Optimist1 · 10/03/2015 10:27

Your mother's expensive tastes seem to be at odds with the fact that she has to be looked after financially by your sister. I'm wondering whether your mother is practising some financial sleight of hand in order to appear more financially independent than she is?

olgaga · 10/03/2015 10:31

She may live in a nice home and have holidays thanks to your sister but what's her income like?

Sounds to me like she is short of spending money and would prefer to have cash but perhaps thinks you won't approve?

Why not ask her if she'd just like some cash to treat herself?

Optimist1 · 10/03/2015 10:34

Yes, Olgaga has put it much more kindly than I did!

SoupDragon · 10/03/2015 10:37

But gifts are given to be appreciated so if they aren't, why bother?? That's how I feel.

Gifts are for the receiver. What the giver feels or wants is largely irrelevant. A gift should be freely given without and strings attached, including expected appreciation.

Was your mother happy to use the theatre vouchers for your tickets? If so, then the gift has made her happy.

Like I said, I understand how it is annoying/upsetting/frustrating but I find it easier to let these things go. I take the view that I have given a gift as expected, what they do with it is up to them.

PrimalLass · 10/03/2015 11:07

Just chuck your sister the money and let them get on with it.

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