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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not remind ex he said he would take the DC swimming

31 replies

Pantone363 · 10/03/2015 09:11

Even though they will be bloody disappointed?

He has form for promising treats (swimming, roller skating, cinema) and then not bothering or fobbing them off with another treat in the make believe future.

DC have gone to school excited that daddy is picking up from school and taking them swimming tonight (he has them tues evenings)

He hasn't text to say he's picking them up and he hasn't asked for their swming stuff. Swimming was promised in lieu of another treat which didn't happen at the weekend.

I could phone him and berate him enough that he might take them or I could leave it and let him tell them he forgot or is too busy (and then probably promise another day next week)

OP posts:

silverfingersandtoes · 10/03/2015 09:15

Well, to what end? What are you hoping for? That the disappointment/guilt will make him change his ways? Probably unlikely, but you know best. I understand just where you're coming from but I would put the DCs happiness first, remind him, and insist he keeps his promise.

TheMoa · 10/03/2015 09:16

What will happen if he doesn't pick them up?

If its his evening with them, just leave him to it. If he wants to go swimming he will, if not, leave him to explain if the children ask why.
Don't involve yourself at all, you can always take them swimming another time.

DandyHighwayman · 10/03/2015 09:16

I would pop their swimming gear into school (work permitting) and then text him breezily "the children have their swim kit, they'll have a ball at the pool after school"

How does that sound?

CaptainAnkles · 10/03/2015 09:19

It's not your job to remind him to do things. If he's happy to keep disappointing them instead of keeping promises, that's up to him. Are you hoping that they start to realise that he lets them down a lot?

Liondemer · 10/03/2015 09:20

I think as much as your exh is a disappointmet to you, you shouldn't let the children suffer. If you can remind him and the dc get their treat that they're excited about then that's surely the most important thing?

I can see where you're coming from but as a pp said, your dc's happiness should come first.

Original poster

Pantone363 · 10/03/2015 09:20

I pick them up on a Tuesday and he gets them at 5.

Yes I suppose the point would be the vain hope that he sees their disappointment and tries harder to stop promising stuff he doesn't mean.

DC already at school so I can't send stuff in with them.

OP posts:

Littlef00t · 10/03/2015 09:39

Presumably he would blame you if kids don't have their swim stuff, even though he should have asked you for it.

Id make sure the kids have it when handed over but don't refer to it.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 10/03/2015 09:44

Does their dad normally pick them up from school or you? I'm slightly confused with you saying they're excited daddy is picking them up, then he gets them from yours at 5.

If you are picking them up, I'd send a breezy text saying kids swim kit is ready, just checking if he's coming normal time or a bit earlier so you can have them ready.

It's a gentle reminder of the promise he made without accusing him of being a forgetful father. Gives him time to get his act together today. Your kids will thank you in the long run if you can facilitate their contact with dad while they still want it. Why burst their bubble just to prove a point.

Original poster

Pantone363 · 10/03/2015 09:49

I usually pick them up. They told me this morning I don't have to as daddy is getting them. Ex hasn't mentioned anything to me about picking them up and therefore has likely forgot or didn't actually mean it when he said they would go.

Think I'll text and say "when would you like to pick kit up, kids say you are getting them today?"

OP posts:

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 10/03/2015 09:54

how old are they, it might be time for you to start mananging their expectations, make a joke of it, make a 50p on will it happen, what do you think he will promise instead?

he won't change until the cameras start rolling and the miracle happens, teach them not to expect from him, and that if anything does happen it is a lovely suprise.

ColdTeaAgain · 10/03/2015 09:56

Yes, text him and say that they've said he is getting them from school and is that right. Put the ball in his court.

miniavenger · 10/03/2015 11:00

He will likely never change, sadly. That text is a good idea, makes it clear it's his responsibility.

rumbleinthrjungle · 10/03/2015 11:43

The trouble is that this is the reality of him. The kids are going to realise sooner or later that he can't be relied on and will stop trusting him which is the long term self defence against an unreliable adult that will stop them being hurt. It's horrible for you to see them sad and disappointed but you won't always be able to compensate for him/sort him out, his relationship with his children is up to him, and if he doesn't value keeping their trust enough to get his act together then in the long term it may be less hurtful to the kids to get to grips with the reality of who he is sooner rather than later.

Original poster

Pantone363 · 10/03/2015 12:10

He replied

"Might be tricky to pick them up today, can you get DC and bring kit and I could meet them at the pool? If not I'll take them at the weekend"

OP posts:

miniavenger · 10/03/2015 13:42

OP I'd reply: Sorry I can't pick up the DC today, I have plans. They're really looking forward to seeing you, I'm sure they'll be pleased if you tell them you'll take them at the weekend.

You know you'll end up getting their sadness and upset if they see you when expecting him and he'll avoid it. Swimming or no swimming he should damn well pick them up and deal with it.

BinarySolo · 10/03/2015 13:52

What a cheek! So he's promised them he'll pick them up and take them swimming and is now asking you to do the majority of that.

I agree with pp. claim you're busy so can't help. You shouldn't have to pick up his slack.

CruCru · 10/03/2015 13:53

Seriously? He wants you to organise their kit and take them to the pool?

momb · 10/03/2015 13:56

He's good.
Make the DCs a promise and manipulate you into fulfilling it so they aren't disappointed? Genius. Just make sure you get the kudos too!

Starlightbright1 · 10/03/2015 14:01

ooh so if you don't take the kids to the pool he would of taken them however your mum wouldn't take you to the pool and he will believe that is is your fault no doubt

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/03/2015 14:18

Well if you would ordinarily get them from school on a Tues I would do that and then drop them at pool with kit (assuming the pool is local and you can get to it easily. It would be a shame for the kids to miss out on their treat.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/03/2015 14:19

I'm not saying he's not being a pain in the arse but more that it would be so nice for the children to get a treat from their dad for once.

yellowdinosauragain · 10/03/2015 14:31

I'd reply to him that rather than hang around at the pool waiting to be disappointed you'll have their kit ready for him when he picks them up from yours. Fuck hanging around at the pool waiting for him!

miniavenger · 10/03/2015 16:32

Since he has form for this, I would wonder whether he would turn up or would text you to cancel once you were there.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/03/2015 17:28

Has he taken them, OP?

waithorse · 10/03/2015 17:32

He sounds like a brilliant dad.

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